I hadn't noticed that you came back to the boards. Wow! Lots of excitement at your house! I'm still caught up with the fact that she gave you a white scarf, and you left it in the closet, which she assigned a meaning to. Perhaps she thought you were surrendering? Only to find out that you hadn't surrendered at all, and she was the loser. Wow! Last time she gives her a rival a white scarf. People just don't know how to use them correctly.
Anyway, it's nice to hear from you. Sorry you are in this craziness, but it is good that he chooses you, not her. And whether he has a personality flaw that prevents him from being monogamous, I don't know. I suspect there are some people who are that way. But I also believe that people can change when they truly want to. But they have to really want to change.
I think the two of you would get a lot out of a Retrouvaille weekend. And, as soon as the holidays are over, they will be starting up again. Over the course of the weekend, it will become clear to your husband just how painful his affair has been for you. I'm not sure that you could ever communicate that message to him as well as they do.
Certainly, this all causes you to question your marriage. But it doesn't mean that it was all a lie. i agree with sg about keeping the good parts and building on them while getting rid of the parts that are rotten. Kind of like finding out your house is infested with termites.
Keep your head up! Hope this week treats you very well. The only thing I want to tell you is to not beat yourself up for being the way that you are. You are empathetic, you are compassionate and you are not comfortable being mean, angry, crazy, etc. I have felt at times that I am too empathetic, especially in the face of my H's infidelity, but I have to say, two years after the fact, I don't regret that I was empathetic and understanding rather than mean, mad or crazy. Every person has a different way of reacting or handling themselves in the face of this kind of thing.
I was true to myself - and that is the best way to operate.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Thanks for stopping by and for your comments, Lotus and Kalni.
Kalni, I didn't want you to find me, as I was afraid it would dredge up old wounds for you and you've been through too much. I adore you and I'm inspired by you, dear girl.
This morning I awoke from a dream where OW and I were in a house. Lots of other people were around and OW and I were trying to stay out of each other's way, but kept walking past one another. I was talking about my hair to various people. I asked if they like my hair or OW's hair and 100% of the people preferred hers. Strange dream.
When friends would look through H’s and my photo albums and see a photo of OW, they always asked if she was my sister. I’ve had waiters ask us that when we’ve been to out to eat in the past too. I don’t like it. She’s taller and thinner than I am. I’ve always struggled with body image and I hate that she’s a toothpick. And tall.
I know it’s pointless and silly to do these comparisons. The dream just put me in a strange place inside my head.
I feel like the people I work with see the deadness in my eyes; that I’m not 100% myself and they see right through me. I’m doing my best to be myself, but I don’t feel like myself. Having to pretend my Christmas was "lovely and wonderful" is taking its toll. Everyone is so chatty this morning and I just can't be bothered... but I put on my brave face and make up a story about my wonderful weekend at home with my h.
H’s birthday is this Thursday. Staff members in our company have their birthday as a paid day off. I know she’ll want to contact him. She’ll know he’ll be at home and I’ll be at work. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I can’t trust my husband to be truthful with me yet (or ever). So I’ll just try not to focus on something out of my control.
The lie I caught him in was this: the Friday I met with OW’s boyfriend and found out the news, and after H met me at home and confessed to the affair, he returned to the office (I needed to take care of something for a staff member but he eagerly volunteered to do it for me). When he saw OW, he kissed her and told her “I’ll miss you, baby. Come back soon.” The come back soon part was due to her having scheduled time off from work for the holidays. She went home and told her boyfriend and her boyfriend immediately notified me via text. I asked H about it and he said it wasn’t true. This past weekend, one of OW’s texts asked “Out of curiosity, did H tell you he kissed me and blah, blah, blah?” H couldn’t deny it any longer. Why would he do that when the affair had been exposed and life was a crumbling mess? After he consoled me and told me that he loved the life we had together?
I asked him why and he didn’t really have an answer other than he felt bad, and he has feelings for her and this is hard for him too. If I put myself in his shoes, I can see why he would do it, I suppose. It’s his M.O.
I realize how down I sound today. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am feeling worn out and exhausted and at my wit’s end.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I feel like my brain capacity is decreasing rapidly. I couldn't figure out if "past" or "passed" was the correct word to use. I know I'll get back to normal. I've got to shake myself out of this state of mind!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I think you probably need rest, give yourself permission to crash and spend time only taking care of you. Self care--the things that make you feel good, girly, womanly, attractive. If you have family or a girlfriend who will take you out and treat you to dinner or spa services, let them.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
girl, I am thinking of you. THere is no easy way out of this mess. Whatever it is you decide to do. Any/all options require huge strength from your side. Be wise. Dont let emotions rule you now. Take mental breaks. The situation as it was, was very sick. This could probably be your chance to really make a fresh start. A healthy one. Take it easy. M
