Doing 180, but Husband still researched D

[LisaLost]

Honey,

Just want to digest this a little before I dive in but he cant be that angry without having some pretty strong feelings about you. If he truly didnt care he would just be matter of fact about it all and you couldnt upset him no matter what you called him momma,lol. So he cares.

Don't believe the crap flying out his mouth. Its lies, stuff to hurt you bc he is hurting. Is this MLC? a little early but maybe? My husband said some of the vilest things that cut me so bad. I still can remember the pain of those words and he regrets them all to this day, he said he didnt mean any of it. Has he paid the lawyer yet? if not then thats a sign.

You do not need to lie about the time frame. I would just tell him that you are simply abiding by the law and keep a record of what he offers you, a judge MAY look at that down the road if need be- Does your state have official seperation papers? I live where there is no such thing as a legal seperation.

If you notice he does these things to get a reaction out of you after you have made him wonder about something. He is trying to hurt you bc he is hurting- think about the times when he has brought the touchy issues up- usually after you hve done a great GAL activity. Why is he threatened by that if he wants out so bad?

Just keep on keeping on girl!

[Phenix70]

Thank you Lisa!!!
You made me cry, but in a good way.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thread, I KNOW there's a lot going on here.

He hasn't paid the lawyer yet, he is supposed to do that tomorrow.
I'm going to ask him to wait because I want to contact my own atty first, I want to make sure I'm protected.
On Friday night he kept saying to me, "why do you want to hold off on the D? What do you think is going to happen? Because I'm not going to change my mind tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. I'm DONE."

I'm beginning to think it could be a MLC, the signs are pointing to that, the more I read about them.
Also his use/viewing of porn is increasing, he's watching it more than he has.

The venom that was spewing from his mouth was enough to literally make me reel back from him, it was as if once he finally started he couldn't stop.
He was hung over & I walked in on him as he was closing the porn on his laptop, so needless to say he was not happy to begin with.
It was the one of the two most vicious fights we've ever had, the first was 11/25/08.

Yesterday wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be after that horrible fight.
I called one of the few friends I have here & went to her house for a few hours.
It felt so good to be around someone who cares about me & to get a hug.
Who knew that something as simple as a hug can make you feel that much better?
Then I came home, took care of my dog & talked with my neighbor.
She invited me to her brother's Christmas party, I left at 6:30pm & got home at 11:30pm.
The only thing I said to H during this time was "has the dog gone out?"

Today is another day & I still deciding what I want to do today.

[LisaLost]

Phenix70,

I was thinking aabout this last night and had a question. Does your H know that you check his computer history? Why doesn't he erase all his visits to the divorce sites and such? He wants to hurt you and hurt you bad. To me that seems like he has to be feeling an enormous amount of anger at himself and some guilt that he is turning out to you.

I wouldn't ask him to wait on paying the lawyer. I personally wouldnt even mention it. A divorce is something you dont want right? You have plenty of time to find a lawyer and do your own research if you want to know your rights just to make you feel better or maybe just go see a lawyer that has a free or inexpensive consult. JUST DONT TELL HIM.

When he asks why you want to keep putting off what he sees as inevitable then simply tell him that you dont want the divorce and if he doesnt end up changing his mind then so be it but for now you are standing for your marriage. After you say this try to leave the room and do something to keep yourself busy, laundry, dishes, wash the car,lol just anything to keep him from following you to ask you questions. Now he will more than likely keep repeating that he is not going to change his mind etc..... Just simply look at him and tell him everytime that you arent either that you ar standing for your marriage. Dont let him get you into a fight and remain as calm as you can. I did this and my hubby said it effected him in a big way cause as mean as he was and he was actually living with ow. I was determined to remain the course for my marriage.

Now while you are standing be sure to also be moving(haha) forward with yourself. Making yourself happy and irrestible. I mean if you do get divorced you are going to be out on the market again right? well get yourself market ready now except you are really just doing it to attract one shopper( your H). When you feel attractive you act attractive and everything just changes inside you. He will notice and it may make him angrier bc you will be making him more confused. Oh yes, he will get angry bc you will be making him question himself about his choice. But you go on doing it.


I really would be considering the MLC view here. The porn thing, well it doesnt make you happy but dont mention it to him. Just think of it as a phase.

Sorry its so long but hopefully makes sense. I know you can do this. Have faith in yourself.

((((((hugs)))))
Lisa

[Phenix70]

Lisa,
Thank you so much for responding to me.

He knows I check his computer, sometimes he clears the history sometimes he doesn't.
Right now I'm just trying to avoid him getting the lawyer to file the paperwork tomorrow, meaning we will be divorced in a few short months.

I'm now worried that he has feelings for another woman.
On Sat. the 4th he had a student function, he hung out with this cute little 18 yo blonde, I know because there is a Facebook video that show the two of them sitting next to each other.
Sunday morning I asked to check his phone, I had a bad feeling, there was a phone call attempted to her phone at 2:22am, it lasted 1 sec.
Today I looked at his phone bill & found this:
Sunday the 5th 1:50am text to her
1:54am text to her
Wednesday the 8th 11:53 text to her
Thursday the 9th 1:38 text to him
1:39 text to her
So far there have been no other texts to one another or phone calls.
Urgh!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do now, is this a concern or not?

[Nina]

Lisa,
Right now I'm just trying to avoid him getting the lawyer to file the paperwork tomorrow, meaning we will be divorced in a few short months.

Sunday morning I asked to check his phone, I had a bad feeling, there was a phone call attempted to her phone at 2:22am, it lasted 1 sec.
Today I looked at his phone bill & found this:
Sunday the 5th 1:50am text to her
1:54am text to her
Wednesday the 8th 11:53 text to her
Thursday the 9th 1:38 text to him
1:39 text to her
So far there have been no other texts to one another or phone calls.
Urgh!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to do now, is this a concern or not?

Okay Phenix70, I read your thread and appreciate that you spent time reading mine. I'm sending back big hugs to you to let you know I feel your pain. I have two pieces of advice that once I adhered to worked well for me.

First of all, listen to Lisa when she says to avoid discussing the marriage and the divorce, just STFU okay. Don't mean to be harsh, but someone on my thread had to tell this way too. Avoid any discussion about it if at all possible and only respond by telling him that you "stand for the marriage". If he wants the divorce he will have to do it all. Definately educate yourself on what you need to know. My husband told me he wouldn't pay child support or alimony. I researched before we had this conversation and let him know, first of all by law he is required to pay child support and as a displaced house wife I can get maintenance for half of the time I spent being a homemaker. He also told me that the judge would determine support by looking at my market value. I have a bachelors degree he does not. They do not go by market value, only by what I am presently making at the time; which isn't much. So, definately educate yourself, but keep it to yourself that you visited a lawyer.

Second, stop checking his texts and computer history. You are only hurting yourself by doing this. He is leaving the knife out and you are picking it up. Don't do it, because it hurts. My husband talks to the OW for hours on the phone and they are always texting one another.He does it in front of our kids too. Once I stopped spying, which spying is a DB don't, I felt better. It takes a little while to discipline yourself, but believe me you will feel better. So stop yourself. Erase the computer history before viewing so you are not tempted to look. Just say no! Don't drink the koolaid!:)

Last peice of advise to help boost your esteem and maybe take your mind of your marital woes. Keep on making friends. Also, I have to say having a few male admires (frieds with definate boundries and distance) can help too. Compliments and peaked interests from the opposite sex helps to build esteem and confidence. Just be sure your primary support group are women. They are the ones you go to when you feel your worst. Friends of the opposite sex are there when you are feeling good about yourself and when you are strong. This way you don't loose sight of saving your marriage, but have a chance to allow yourself to have your ego boosted. I have a few male friends I just started talking to. They now know my husband has asked for a divorce and is in an emotional affair, but that I am determined to save the marriage. So they respect my boundries and know that I am still on board with my marriage. Their compliments and subtle flirtyness actually helps to give (me) you a break from thinking about (my) your marriage and (my)your husband.

I hope this helps. Hang in there and be sure to let the Lord lead you.

God Bless!

[jon2911]

Phenix,
You're getting some great advice here. To sum it all up, stop worrying about H and keep up the GAL. And keep posting. Every event seems like the end of the world right now, but this is a long process. Been at it 3 years myself. Hang in there.