Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

I will try to articulate my thoughts as of this morning.

I have lost a lot of respect for the man I used to admire more than anyone. He has not shown me one ounce of respect (except within the past few days). I feel by letting him stay here until I figure out what I want to do is being disrespectful to myself.

I have discovered another lie. He has looked me in the eyes and lied so easily; however, if I were in his shoes, I would have lied about this particular situation as well. He is having a hard time being totally truthful because he knows how much the truth is hurting me. For the most part, I have been very compassionate and cool headed during our talks, but every once in a while I do raise my voice and the discussion heats up. I know this isn't the best way to allow open communication, but it's really hard to maintain my composure 100% of the time.

I don't want to punish him or make his life miserable. I don't even want to punish OW. I know she is suffering, h is suffering and I am suffering. How do I focus only on myself for a change?

Is there something wrong me? I'm able to really put myself in his shoes and understand how this could happen, the pain he must be feeling, the conflicts in his emotions for her and for me... Do I have some sort of empathy disorder? Or is it that I don't respect myself as much as I thought I did?

My tummy hurts today.

[sgctxok]

Because you still have hope, and he's giving your hope. He still wants you.

Part of your marriage was a lie, but the whole marriage wasn't a lie. It's wheat and chaff. You want to get rid of the bad, keep the good and build on the good. It just isn't that easy to do. It probably would be easier to end things.

Except you will have a hard time trusting anyone again. Dating and being out there all over again can be stressful or can be thrilling, but building new relationships from the ground up are hard work and they carry some of the same problems with them, plus new ones.

I think SD gave you wise advice, and I'm glad you took it.

I have a feeling you are going to make it through this with a stronger marriage.

Did you read Michele's article in the Huffington post?

[girlfromipanema]

Hey sg, I hope you're doing great today. I did read Michele's article. I think I read it last night, but now I can't remember much of it so I'll reread right now.

Love and hugs to you. Your words are such a huge support.

[girlfromipanema]

sg, just finished re-reading Michele's article. It was a good one and I'd be so happy go to Europe to plug monogomy. The Europeans only need to look at the misery in my eyes, my husband's eyes and OW's eyes and maybe they'd think twice about being unfaithful.

And, I agree, infidelity ain't for sissies.

Out of adversity one finds strength and insight. That's what I keep telling myself, when my thoughts clear up enough to hear.

[sgctxok]

You really are pretty amazing. You have a lot of character and integrity. You will prevail.

[girlfromipanema]

sg, I've had people tell me that in real life recently as well - just out of the blue, unless they knew about something and didn't tell me.

H is having his "closure" conversation with OW as I type. He said he was going to do it over the phone but wanted some privacy so he took a drive to call her. I'm OK with that. I don't feel overly anxious. Thoughts are running through my mind that he could potentially tell her he wants to be with her, but needs to settle things down with me.

My thoughts currently have been somewhat troubling. I'm thinking my h has a serious personality disorder rather than just getting caught up in something that spiraled out of control. I don't want to be married to a monster. I don't know how to get to the real truth.

My clothes are fitting very loosely. I think I've lost about 7 or 8 pounds this last week.

I went to the mall this morning, wanting to do something nice for myself and buy some pretty clothes. I usually love shopping, but I didn't enjoy myself as much as I would have liked. My energy is really low.

[girlfromipanema]

I just received a text from OW: "I hope he tells you the truth about the conversation we just had."

My heart is racing...

I'll be fine...

[sgctxok]

praying for you.


She could be the one with the personality problem, too. She has motive to agitate you. And she could be twisting what he says. Just breathe. And listen. And then step away to evaluate...you might need days.

[desert_rat]

(((((girl)))))

Don't put pressure on yourself to believe him, whatever he says. It's about what he does, over time. And about what you decide you want.

Truthfully, I would not believe either one of them at the moment.

[girlfromipanema]

sg, handsome rat - big hugs to you both. I sound like a broken record, but your support gives me so much strength.

OK, so h comes home and asks if I want a chicken sandwich. What??? NOOOOO, I don't want a friggin sandwich, tell me what happened you ding dong!! He wasn't gone from home long and he had time to stop at McDonald's so it wasn't a super long conversation between OW and h.

I should mention that over the past couple of days I've shared the back and forth texts between OW and me with H and told him whatever he said to her would likely get back to me via her or her bf, so he should just be honest from the start. (The lie I caught him in earlier this week was 'leaked' to me by OW's boyfriend, then later by her via text. I asked H about it and he lied until I told him about the texts. Now I know what his face looks like when he's lying for sure...)

My hands were trembling so I had to sit on them.

He said it was a cluster f*** conversation. They prearranged a time to speak on the phone and when he called, asked if now was a convenient time and she replied "yes." First he told her "girlfromipanema knows I'm talking to you and gave me permission to do so." (side note: huh? gave him 'permission'???)

He begins to tell her that his terrible choice early in our marriage has consequences far reaching than the three of us. He said he never planned for things to get this way, but once he crossed the line he found himself in an impossible situation. At that point, OW's boyfriend comes into the room where she's talking and starts yelling at her then takes her phone away and starts screaming at my husband, but he accidentally hit the mute button so H didn't hear the barrage - just silence for a couple of minutes. I know it's not funny in the least, but I have to stop myself from chuckling just a little bit about that. In fact, I'm trying not to laugh right now, but I can't help myself. Poor guy. OW's boyfriend has been through so much hell. My heart breaks for him.

OW finally gets back on the phone and h says he's trying to communicate 'ground rules' - i.e. no contact between them, that it was over, etc. but he said she went around and around in circles telling him (screaming at him, actually) that he deceived her and lied to her over and over. H said he told her he is sorry that she feels that way, but he never made promises to leave me - that he told her many times and felt she understood that if they were to have anything between them, her role would be "mistress" (puke vomit gag). H said she was being very emotional and wouldn't allow him to talk much (I know how she can be - very hot tempered and hard to communicate with. I don't know if she has a specific personality disorder other than being a b****).

He told me the conversation didn't go as he had planned, that he wanted to tell her he cares about her but now that this affair is out in the open, he feels he can put effort into trying to see if our marriage can be saved without worry and pressure from her to go public with it (I'm taking all that he's saying with a grain of salt, no worries). He said he wanted to establish clear ground rules for contact, as there may be loose ends to tie up regarding work projects (she quit her job, we think), but he said he isn't sure how much she actually heard since there was so much screaming going on.

He told me even though he didn't get to say exactly what he wanted, he feels he got complete closure and there is no ambiguity with regard to where they stand.

I do feel OW has been trying to rile me up so that I'll just tell him to leave and she can stake her claim. I could be wrong, but that's my gut feeling.

I know not to take his word for what was said, but I know OW's boyfriend would be calling/texting me the moment he found out any details that would make H look bad... We'll see what happens from here. He's still reading "Not Just Friends" and I feel a sense of relief from him that his double life is finally out in the open.

I feel an inner victory that I've been handling myself with such calm, dignity and strength (for the most part) and she acted like a raving, out of control you-know-what.

I know I have a very long road ahead of me whatever I decide.

Thank you to all of you for your love, prayers and support. Hugs and kisses. xoxo