When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Nothing in particular happened, just emotional in the extreme yesterday. I ended up going to bed until Gabe got back from work. I gave him his present, he got all weird and uncomfortable and said he felt guilty because he hadn't gotten me anything. He also didn't seem to like it much and I had specifically gotten it over a month ago for him because he had mentioned how much he would like to try a pipe. I also bought him some Ferrero Roche because he saw a commercial and mentioned how much he like that. I knew he hadn't gotten me anything and I had already already prepared my answer to that. I told him that the best present was his presence. He just looked at me funny and went on with the evening. Whatever.

After that I had another meltdown right in front of him. How embarrassing. Of all things it was over missing heavy whipping cream. Seriously. I couldn't find it, I knew I had bought it and I needed it to make the sauce for the seafood lasagna. Well, it was nowhere to be found and I started crying and couldn't stop. I think it was just a culmination of all of the sadness from the rest of the day. I spent all morning alone on my couch staring at mom's urn on the mantle, Gabe was acting in a very familiarly strange way (pre-bomb in some ways) and then I couldn't even make the Christmas dinner I had planned. It just got really ugly. Gabe tried to calm me down and make light of it and I kept saying I knew it wasn't worth getting so upset over but it really wasn't the missing cream that was the issue, it was everything else. I calmed down and found a fix on the internet for replacing heavy cream and made dinner.

After that we stood outside and watched it snow. It is the first time in over 100 years that it snowed in Georgia on Christmas. It somehow seemed more magical. Gabe stood there smoking his pipe and then said he really was enjoying it and thanked me for it. I said I was glad especially since he didn't seem to care for it when he opened it. He said he was surprised because it was something he wouldn't have ever done for himself. Um, DUH....that's the point. He is forever telling me that no one listens to him or pays any attention but obviously I do since I got him two things based on what he said he liked. Gees! Who is the one that doesn't listen?

I just don't know what to do. I just feel like this is so one sided and he's only here because he doesn't have another option. I feel like I'm hurting myself because I feel WAY TOO MUCH for him and he feels nothing. It really hurts and I'm getting so tired of being so on guard all the time. It is exhausting.

I'm heading to Florida tomorrow morning for a few days. Maybe I can get my head straight while I'm there. Of course I haven't been able to get in straight in 3 years so I'm not so sure a few days there is going to do it!!! LOL