Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

I will try to articulate my thoughts as of this morning.

I have lost a lot of respect for the man I used to admire more than anyone. He has not shown me one ounce of respect (except within the past few days). I feel by letting him stay here until I figure out what I want to do is being disrespectful to myself.

I have discovered another lie. He has looked me in the eyes and lied so easily; however, if I were in his shoes, I would have lied about this particular situation as well. He is having a hard time being totally truthful because he knows how much the truth is hurting me. For the most part, I have been very compassionate and cool headed during our talks, but every once in a while I do raise my voice and the discussion heats up. I know this isn't the best way to allow open communication, but it's really hard to maintain my composure 100% of the time.

I don't want to punish him or make his life miserable. I don't even want to punish OW. I know she is suffering, h is suffering and I am suffering. How do I focus only on myself for a change?

Is there something wrong me? I'm able to really put myself in his shoes and understand how this could happen, the pain he must be feeling, the conflicts in his emotions for her and for me... Do I have some sort of empathy disorder? Or is it that I don't respect myself as much as I thought I did?

My tummy hurts today.