when script is not script part 2

[buenosuerte]

the short end of my life story is that this is my 3rd marriage. with my first i had a daughter, 2nd swore no children, then in my late 30's i'm at my 3rd marriage and now what will be 3rd divorce.

i've sole searched, made changes within myself but i have 2 beautiful children that i can not get their father to be who they deserve.

do i feel studpid, oh heck yes. do i feel bad for my children yes? hopeful that i will love again, i can not do that to my children.

do i know alle research and statistics of what it means to come from divorced parents, parents who hate one another, live so differently and believe in different values, oh yeah.

have i seen what it does to children, you better believe it teaching for 10 years.

i'm not 30, i'm 40, i can not have anymore children, date, come realistically. i won't show my children men who more then likely will not be a permanent part of our lives,.

i'm awesome, strong, i love my kids to death, i also have love to give to a man and know i deserve, me and my kids deserve a good man that wants to be with us each and everyday of our lives, it's just getting there i can not vision.

i know there is so much work i have to do in order to trust a man, and the pain of this past relationship is a lot to get over. i know to give myself time to heal and just be with my kids, but i am so tired of people throwing away their marraiges, and children to get a quick fix with another relationship and more kids.

society has become a throw away lifestyle and it completely demoralizes humans. i don't want my d3 to be attracted to men like her father, i certainly don't want my son 10 months to grow up like his father. modeling and a good role model are so crucial,. i just don't know how to do that, to show them that moms/dads love one another, they kiss and hug, argue and still remain together, that leaving a pregnant wife in high risk pregnancy is wrong, or not seeing their children for 9 months is unacceptable.

how am i supposed to show them that?
how am i supposed to teach them that what their father is/does is not the way humans are to be, that they have value even if their father does not value them.

last year this time, i was holding onto my pregnancy by prayer and injections, i took d3 to see xmas lights and we went tonight as well. i felt the same then as i do now, seeing families together, mom/dad types ect and it upsets me so much.