What happens to the WAS after D?

[soleil]

I can understand how both parties have changed, but if both WANT to work it out, I believe that it can.

Agree 100%. It takes TWO to work it out. And when one pereson isn't committed to doing that, there isn't anything you can do.

But yes, two people who want work on things and be together can do it.

I agree that the LBS has a totally different experience than the WAS.

D changes things. You are forced to grasp onto a new life for yourself that you never imagined. So yep, growth, forced growth, even, is inevitable.

[ClingingToHope]

Remembering MWD story, she specifically wrote about WAWs since so many divorces are initiated by women. Essentially, the research showed most WAWs are not prepared for how hard it is financially out of the M and most have this belief that they'll find some like-aged perfect guy. The reality -- again her stuff not my knowledge -- is that most guys when out of an M are looking to date younger so many WAWs are still alone five years later.

When I read it, it gave me comfort, but over time I realize I'm wishing STBXW to fail, which isn't a good thing.

In my case, at least financially, things I thought would happen are happening. STBXW is slipping further and further into a hole.

But I'm trying not to think about that and just focus on rebuilding myself so my girls have me as the stable one. Tough to be the stable one when I've been forced to move three times in 18 months.

We have similar timelines except I moved out earlier. I held on to the thought that it would all work out in the end until December 2009. That's when it really hit me that a D was going to happen. Then she filed and took a trip with her best friend and a bunch of guys in August and I fell into a deep funk.

I admire your stance in terms of waiting. Do what you feel is right and not what others think is right. The advice on here is good but inconsistent. I've gotten some great advice and really bad advice. No one is an expert. Eventually, you'll figure out when you are ready.

[AtTheEnd?]

I think I've entered the "friend" area. She's friendly enough, but almost assures me that we will be getting a D. Her attorney let her know that my attorney called and was wondering why they are dragging their feet. She says the D isn't the highest priority at the moment and has other things to take care of (house stuff, etc). Unless I'm in a hurry. I just told her where I stood, but not in a pleading manner. I don't want a divorce, but if that is what she wants, I won't stand in her way. She just remains silent. She knows that I'm different, but she won't budge. She needs to look inward, and she is refusing. I'm disappointed that she will have to go through another relationship at some point to realize what she lost, but that's typically the way these things unfold.

I know nice guys don't get the girl, but in the end, I feel that I did the right thing. I'm not going to play games, I'm only going to be myself (a good, upstanding, honest person). If that isn't enough for her, well that's the way it goes.

[MrBond]

What do you want? I'm not referring to the fact that you don't want the D. What is it that YOU want? If you want to save the marriage, then come up with steps to do so. If not, then start getting your affairs in order and start living your life again.

Who says "nice guys" don't get the girl. Nice doesn't have to mean you're a wuss.

[AtTheEnd?]

Bond,

I do have my goals and steps in place. I'm following my plan as I have set it up. I was just journaling and expressing a small degree of frustration.

I'm have a long-term goal and doing what I feel are the steps to reach that goal. Isn't easy by any means, but it's getting me there. Nothing worth having is easy, or quick.

I appreciate the support here so very much.

[g450]

Well in my case I have only been divorced for one year as of this coming February.

I have almost zero contact with my XW so I do not know if she has a new man or not. She is most likely continuing her online EA with her first love from high school who is married and has five kids. Maybe she is waiting for him to divorce or for his W to croak so they can live happily ever after in cheatersville. I have no clue.

What I do know is that she is now getting a bunch of money from the VA from her first husband from 25 years ago. And if she remarries she will lose that so I dont see that happening any time soon since I suspect this was a major motivating factor in destroying our family in the first place.

It must be nice to be rewarded so generously financially for destroying a marriage, cheating and lying. And all at the tax payer's expense. And yes I am still a bit bitter.

I try to concentrate on my own life now. Being a single middle aged divorced man has its challenges and even a few rewards. But I miss being married. And God help me I miss my old wife and my married life.

Sadly my XW will be 56 years old this coming February and from what my Son tells me she is still acting like a 12 year old spoiled girl living in her castle. I would kill to be able to get inside her head and figure out what sort of screwed up thought paterns caused her to become what she is.

[ClingingToHope]

ATE, I'm with you. It isn't your job to get divorced. If she wants it, she should do it. There are no "steps" to save a marriage. If there were we'd all follow it and there wouldn't be any divorces. Just keep on getting better and you'll be fine.

[Golfgirl1]

g450,
You miss your "old wife" and your married life. The woman you married is gone and she will never return. If you decide to stay married it will be a totally new relationship with a different person.

I wanted to stay married because, I too, love being married. That said, being single ain't all that bad. I wanted the man I fell in love with 22 years ago and I saw clearly he was never going to return. So, I chose to file and I think that's okay. Why? Because I DESERVE a great life and ya know what? I'm living it. This was one of the best Christmases I've EVER had in my life. Go out and figure out what YOU want. Why does she get to make all the decisions?

[AtTheEnd?]

gabbysmom23,

You are correct. Not moving the D along only prolongs the inevitable. Might as well get it done and on with life. I believe that I have hit the point where it's time to move on. I gave it my best shot, and did everything possible to save the M. There is only so much someone can do. The problem resides with the WAS. I could be the perfect man, and it wouldn't be enough. She needs to do the hardest thing imaginable, and that is to look at herself. The problem with that is that she won't do that until she realizes once she has gone, had a couple of other relationships and still isn't happy. This is where the LBS is long gone. The WAS wants to come back, but it's too late. Such is life.

[Golfgirl1]

g450,
I misunderstood...I didn't think you were already divorced. I hope you have the best year of your life in 2011.

Wait! Who says the nice guy doesn't get the girl? If the girl is a nice girl, that's exactly what will happen. I'm looking for a nice guy; not a jerk, liar, cheater, or someone without financial integrity.
Yes, I'm finding lots of men around 50 wanting to date 35 year olds. Why? Because they're insecure and need to grow up. Most 50 year old men better have a deep wallet to snag a 35 year old because that's all those shallow girls want. Did you see Hugh Hefner got engaged to a girl 60 years younger? Yeah, right. That wouldn't happen if he was an average guy making an average salary. It works both ways. I intend to be exactly who I am so I can attract strong, confident, secure and optimistic men into my life.