I have a thread going in the newcomers section but I wanted to get into some more detail on my sex life with W and the current affair W is having. I am posting this in the affairs section and the sex starved marriage section so I’ll understand if a Mod believes it needs to be removed from one or the other.
I have always been a very sexual person and viewed it as just an act. I often differentiated “making love” with my W from just having sex with a person. In the beginning of our R 8 years ago I made the first moves for sex and once my W responded we were at it like rabbits. Unfortunately, it seems to me like the typical scenario of a declining sex life after marriage. Now, I am the type who has wanted sex at least once per day and it had tapered down to the point of maybe once a week.
I was stupid in several respects. Because me and W have always been open and unconventional I often would make remarks about having sex with other people (like we would be watching TV and I would say, “I’d do her”) and we would joke about that kind of thing. Since I was my W’s first and only sex partner I would tell her that I didn’t mind if she wanted to try other guys but that I’d like to watch. I told her this b/c I viewed “just having sex” as no big deal, like assisted masturbation. She never wanted to and our sex life kept declining from my viewpoint.
Eventually, she was telling me about an older woman she worked with who hadn’t had sex in like 10 years and that my W had told her I would have sex with her and my wife was actually being serious. She was tired of me bugging her for sex and just didn’t want to know if I got a sex buddy. I was surprised and tried to find somebody but I didn’t put much effort into it, I’d rather be having sex with my W. More and more, she offered me up to other friends of hers and they all said no b/c it would be too awkward (never mind that none of them found me attractive). Another stupid thing from me, in a gist, telling my wife that the fact I wanted sex with her all the time proved how much I loved her and how sexy and attractive I think she is.
My W pushing me to find a sex buddy went on for awhile and I told her a few times that I didn’t mind if she did as well, but if she did it I wanted to be involved unlike her request to not know who or when I was doing it. This went on and on and finally my W just found a guy and only told me afterward that she had sex with him b/c she was afraid I’d get angry that she actually did it. She said she was only going to do it once to prove to me that it was ok for me to do but she found she liked it. We went into swinging big time and we had agreed upon rules. Problems started when my W was having sex with other guys by herself more and more. I started snooping and trust on both sides went down the drain fast.
She kept telling me that swinging had brought back her sex drive and I was still the only person she wanted to have an R with. I started seeing some EA with at least 2 of the guys and bugged out more and more. I had anger issues and was doing all of the counter-DB stuff. She said she stopped swinging but was still going to be friends with at least one of the guys. Of course, I didn’t believe her and we argued more and more. She told me that she had done the swinging to make me happy but found she liked it b/c of the attention she got unlike anything she had gotten before.
All of this finally resulted in a WAW episode and during one talk in the beginning of July she said she had no sex drive for anybody. Come Oct I talked with her again (before I read DR) and told her that I realized how worthless I made her feel by swinging and making comments about other women for so long. She said I was right, that she felt like [censored] swinging and that I had been all she ever needed emotionally and sexually but I wanted anybody but her. Since I hadn’t started DBing I told her that she was wrong, I wanted her.
Currently, I know she is dating a guy and he has spent time in the house I am still helping to pay for. He had belongings here and I even saw a piece of mail with his name and my address. I have no concrete proof but I am 99% sure they are having sex…given that there are a few new nude pics of my W on the computer and a search online for a gag “prescription for sex” that has a recommendation of “sex daily with partner of choice”. While swinging was fun when I was involved this is tearing me up b/c she is probably having sex with this guy, this guy is getting to have sex with my hot W, and I am being celibate.
Given all of that I have a few questions and would especially like to hear female perspectives.
1. Was my W’s declining interest in sex due to my lack of romance and foreplay? 2. Did swinging temporarily make her feel good b/c other men found her attractive and she thought my saying so was just an expected response from a H? 3. Was she lying when she told me she was enjoying herself? 4. Once it started upsetting me, was she swinging by herself as a weapon against me? 5. Did she feel worthless b/c I had stopped “making love” to her and was just having sex with her like all these other guys? 6. Did her sex drive really disappear? 7. If she had no sex drive why is she having a PA now? Especially since I have that gut feeling that they are having sex a lot. 8. She told me to date (b/c she was going to date while separated) and from third parties I heard she said she doesn’t care who I have sex with; should I date? Should I go ahead and have sex with other people?
