when script is not script part 2

[buenosuerte]

haven't posted in a while. I see new situations with being gone for a few.

Here's the latest update:

In Nov I filed for divorce, Dec 17 went on holiday break till jan 3 (wont have to see h face to face until then) Dec 22 i had h served the papers.

the filing was liberating in a sense, I was not sad or upset while i was filing. i waited some time before i had him served, our interactions were okay a little more positive, then i don't know what happened next. I just got the impression I was wasting my time in holding faith in him anymore.

I put things together looked back on the past 14 months of seperation, came to the conclusion he really never did love me. Z

[buenosuerte]

i looked at the sitch like this: if h wanted to do anything to work on marriage, be friends, or just co parent together i do strongly believe he would have done something some little thing to change the situation.

some cases in point: i'm off for winter break, kids are with me every single day, every night they eat dinner, bathe, and sleep in their home, i will not budge on those things.

for the two weeks he did not make any requests to see them only for an hour during the week out of 19 days...he looked at me and smiled, saying, you mean i'm on vacation? it's just clear that he sees the children, wife, marraige a hinderance on his life. who can take a vacation from their children?

he didn't ask to see them for xmas, just sent a msg, tell the kids i said hi....it breaks my heart to type this and to live this. i feel so badly for my children, for giving them a father that just wants very little to no interaction with them.

even when he is supposed to wathc them, he doesn't, it's his mother...
my daughter 3 keeps saying mommy makes me happy, daddy makes me cry daddy makes me sad.....

[sgctxok]

I'm really sorry buenasuerte, it is so common with divorce.
I've been divorced 16 years (came here 2 relationships later, now in the same one 9 years). My ex completely bowed out, moved away. He is just now in fairly good contact with one of my daughters, just sends cards to the other one.

When he did take the kids, his parents spent a good deal of the time with them, and so did his brothers and sisters, which was actually better than them spending time with him. My oldest has a real hole in her heart from all this.

This is one of the reasons why I'm here and fight to help folks save their marriages.

My partner's exwife (he had been married 20 years) is a smart woman, and a wonderful mother. He almost pulled away from his kids, that's the way it was going, in my 10 years on the board, I've seen some wonderful dads, but I've seen a lot of men in our situations, it's more natural for them to disconnect from the whole family. One of the men I dated before I met G was willing to move far away from his son for me, and not turn back. I ended it of course--that's unacceptable to me. But G is now extremely close with his kids, works well with his exW to coparent, has his youngest more than half the time (they live a mile from each other---they don't like each other at all but put the kids first).

What is exW did though was keep encouraging his involvement with the kids. Sometimes by bitching, sometimes by just saying they kids miss you. They need to see you. It worked for them.

Didn't work for me and my exH.

It might be worth a try for you.

[buenosuerte]

the short end of my life story is that this is my 3rd marriage. with my first i had a daughter, 2nd swore no children, then in my late 30's i'm at my 3rd marriage and now what will be 3rd divorce.

i've sole searched, made changes within myself but i have 2 beautiful children that i can not get their father to be who they deserve.

do i feel studpid, oh heck yes. do i feel bad for my children yes? hopeful that i will love again, i can not do that to my children.

do i know alle research and statistics of what it means to come from divorced parents, parents who hate one another, live so differently and believe in different values, oh yeah.

have i seen what it does to children, you better believe it teaching for 10 years.

i'm not 30, i'm 40, i can not have anymore children, date, come realistically. i won't show my children men who more then likely will not be a permanent part of our lives,.

i'm awesome, strong, i love my kids to death, i also have love to give to a man and know i deserve, me and my kids deserve a good man that wants to be with us each and everyday of our lives, it's just getting there i can not vision.

i know there is so much work i have to do in order to trust a man, and the pain of this past relationship is a lot to get over. i know to give myself time to heal and just be with my kids, but i am so tired of people throwing away their marraiges, and children to get a quick fix with another relationship and more kids.

society has become a throw away lifestyle and it completely demoralizes humans. i don't want my d3 to be attracted to men like her father, i certainly don't want my son 10 months to grow up like his father. modeling and a good role model are so crucial,. i just don't know how to do that, to show them that moms/dads love one another, they kiss and hug, argue and still remain together, that leaving a pregnant wife in high risk pregnancy is wrong, or not seeing their children for 9 months is unacceptable.

how am i supposed to show them that?
how am i supposed to teach them that what their father is/does is not the way humans are to be, that they have value even if their father does not value them.

last year this time, i was holding onto my pregnancy by prayer and injections, i took d3 to see xmas lights and we went tonight as well. i felt the same then as i do now, seeing families together, mom/dad types ect and it upsets me so much.

[sgctxok]

Ugh. I know that feeling.

G is somewhat fatherly to my kids, His kids don't need another mother, so I'm really just their friend.

The first guy I dated after my divorce, his kids mother was addicted to crystal meth, and was a bit of a nomad, so I became more of an aunt to them (their grandma lived with them, so she was the mother figure really). He and I becamse like brother and sister after the dating relationship, and his kids and I are still very close (he passed away 5 years ago).

I dated right away after my divorce, and it was a mistake, I think. My kids weren't ready for that.

But with G, my kids have seen our whole dating relationship and saw us break up and get back together, and have seen each of us change our behaviors for the other. This part is beautiful. And my daughters are learning to do this a little bit in their own relationships. So there is something to be said for that. It would be better if we had a whole loving family intact from the beginning. But I give them what I can give them.


You will find the way to teach your kids. And they will learn it by your actions. I think single parents live in a glass bowl, you don't have the buffer of your spouse, so your kids see every little thing you do and feel. Just do your best.

Keep the doors open with your H, just try gently encouraging him to visit.

[buenosuerte]

I did ask him to go with us to see the lights but he never responded. then this am my 3year old was back at it with my daddy hurt my heart.

sadly they will learn that dad reallyd oesn't give a crap about them unless it is when it suits him or doesn't interfer with his lifestyle, drinking friends and whatever else.

they are going to need a male figure that will show them the right things, not what their bio father does.

i think it is true since he walked away it is so much easier for him to deal with that then to deal with the pain since he is emotionally handicapped.

[buenosuerte]

been a few weeks since i've been on here. I think it's time to move over to the divorced section. i'm not divorced but it is in the works.

i can not stand to look at h, think about him anything. he is a complete scumbag and as my ic said, he is just a taxi service for the kids.

nothing has changed in him, well he drinks more, whores around more, all ready has me as his x wife. he tries to kiss up to my d3 teachers by bringing them food, which happens to be my coworkers.

we are not civil to one another, I HATE HIM! I have been lied to so much, ic also says sounds like he has another family. probably so. I think i hate myself more, for ever believing in him, wasting time on him and energy. i was the best thing that came in his life, he was to blind to see it, and sadly he does not see the worth and utter gift these 2 kids are.

[buenosuerte]

i am choosing lives for my children.

i will not permit them to be exposed to father that is connected to a gang, that models behavior that celebrates illegal activity, alcoholism, that views children as a trinket to be wheeled out for show.

when you have been in a R with another person for years, you know where their skeletons are hidden. and for the past 16 months gathering intel, proof and documentation for what is best for children the time has come to use all of this in a court of law.

in the long run are my children going to be better off, oh YES. i have done everything possible since november 2009 to present a better option for my h, to demonstrate a better life by going straight, to be legal and above board, able to have no fear of what is going to catch up with his lifestyle choices. i am sorry that i will not permit my children or myself to be part of his poor choices.

i feel sorry for this boy he is no man.
i have dealt with so much in death, being on my own with my children and fight to keep them alive in their births all while my h choice not to participate with us.

i was able to go to h's "work" sit down with my children, order food, conversate with all the people around us, laugh, have fun all while my h got to feel uncomfortable. you see, i have to deal with that each and everyday. h is at my work, enters my classroom, chit chats with my coworkers all while i am uncomfortable. if it is vengeful it does not bother me, if that makes me a horrible person then i am. if he has nothing other then excuses of why he forgot ran out of time got distracted to not go to the bank deposit money for his children, it is about time i give him back what he has given me. those are natural consequences for him.

every time he does nto pay ontime until the court order goes through, i will go to his work eat hang out so he can experience what he does to me everyday. no there is no court order that will keep h away from my work, it is either have my d taken out of school, where i am a teacher at or allow him on campus to pick u drop off my d, i chose my daughter not my comfort.

[buenosuerte]

been a few days: h hasn't paid any money for a few weeks, but managed to put money down on a cabin so he can spend the weekend there.

i am the stupidest person.

[buenosuerte]

Update: a few weeks have passed.

Currently husband is locked up in a detention center with ICE. March 1 i have temporary custody hearing, i have to get him served while in custody or if he gets released but if deported???

end of april we are supposed to have a mediation appt to try to settle on some issues prior to a trial.

when i found out he was picked up as 5 ice trucks went to his residence, didn't find him or his brother or sister there, they went to where they work and took his sister and husband. his sister was released but they held on to husband.