I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Merry Christmas everyone. I am watching D8 watch TV. So many feelings to pour out today. This was my year to have them wake up here but earlier this week I told STBXW they could stay the night at "the house" and wake up there. My thought was this might be the last Christmas they have in the house they've known their whole lives. She'll either lose it or sell it this year and then my house will be the one they are most used to.

I caught a cold just in time for Christmas so yesterday I just laid around -- worked out a bit -- took the girls to lunch and then took a sleeping pill so my brain wouldn't work overdrive and keep me up.

This morning I got a text from STBXW that the girls were up. It was 7:15 a.m. I showered and dressed and took some cold medicine and headed over around 8:15 a.m.

I stayed for two hours. D11 got a phone, that was her big gift, and a Glee Karoaoke game for the Wii. D8 got a lot of clothes.

D8 and I played Go Fish with the same deck I bought for her when she was three. STBXW left her phone out and ... I checked her messages and there was one from her OM who may or may not just be a friend. It just said Merry Christmas. Hope you have a good day. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I'm not beating myself up over it.

Hey, this morning I sent Merry Christmas texts to my best friend in Florida, my sister, my aunt, church 35 and Match 36.

STBXW looked tired, but so did I. We didn't catch each other's eye once. I was avoiding her eyes. She was avoiding mine. It wasn't tense, but it wasn't ... fine ... either. Just sadness in the air I think.

When I'm not around STBXW I feel that it could all work again with effort and time. Then when I am around her everything feels so strange, so .... million miles away ... and I think, 'this is it.' It feels like a different life. I just so want to hold her again. You always want what you can't have.

Finally, I got the girls to get their shoes on and brush their teeth and come over to my house. Here, D11 got a boombox and a Glee CD and D8 got a scooter. They both got Wii games and I gave them the newest Nintendo DSI version to share.

They were quite excited. They are here until 3 p.m. when they'll go to STBXW's mom's house. I'm not going. I volunteered to work. It'll be the first Christmas in 16 years I didn't spend at least some of my day at the MIL's house.

Last year I spent seven hours there and it felt good, it felt like home, it felt like just a matter of time before things would work out.

Then at the end of the night, STBXW asked me to take the dog home with me. She was going to her friend's house. The whole invitation was a way to get out of having to drive the girls to my house.

I was so angry and deflated.

This year, she is bringing the girls back when I get off work at 9 p.m. Tomorrow, we go to the Wisconsin Dells for an overnight stay.

I mostly stayed on budget this year. I am in a tight spot again though. Money is always at the back of my mind right now.

Looking back at last Christmas to this one ... it's been a long year.

I have my new house. I am a year closer to being able to pay off the credit cards. I am back performing well at work. I don't have days where I wander aimlessly downtown. I have had sex again, which reminded me there are others who think I'm attractive, but also made me feel guilty. I'll get back to that later.

STBXW filed for divorce though in February. She went to South Dakota with her best friend and a bunch of single guys in August. I spotted the OM at my house, driving her car and texting her. I have felt rage, sadness and pain. Lots of pain.

I've also expanded my circle of friends thanks to church. But my injured toe has not gotten better and I'm slowly drifting into being out of shape. I have to find the motivation to finish my book projects and get back into shape.

I know I'll take some knocks for not having detached, not letting go. It's true I haven't. I am so much better in so many ways and when I'm out with others or working, it's almost not there. I can function again. To others I'm fine.

But when I'm alone -- the pain is still there. It will always be in some small way.

Even if I find someone great and perfect it will still be there.

Match 36 is a very nice person. I saw her again last week and ... it happened again. This time she stayed down at my place.

Again I felt guilty though. It wasn't because of STBXW, it was because I don't want a long-term future with Match 36. She's just not it for me.

I don't think it's because I'm not ready to date. I just think she's not it. I think about Church 35, who is still dating a guy. She is someone I would introduce to my girls and someone I would like a future with.

I guess that's my litmus test. Would I introduce them to my girls or not.

I'll be back to write more. Have to make lunch.