Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Example of my current ability to laugh. This morning I thought, "It's like deja vu all over again" and smiled to myself. ha ha ha. Yogi Beara always cracks me up.

I'm not hilarious, but still have my sense of humor, no?

[girlfromipanema]

And by the way, it irritates me that I have a typo in post #2115793 ("hear" should be "here"). I've seen others I've made as well. I miss the edit button!

[desert_rat]

Don't get me started on the edit button!

Yes, kumquat girl, you still have your sense of humor! And it will only get better, I think.

I think I get the way you are feeling. I will type more when I have a keyboard!

HUGS!

[girlfromipanema]

Still though, I have a very hard time believing her right now.

(((tpc)))

I somehow missed your post from yesterday. I hope you have a lot of patience, because this is going to be a long ride.

I love this quote:

"Time wounds all heels." I know the more common version is "time heals all wounds" but the former makes me grin.

I hope you're hanging in there, tpc.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I heard the quote from Farscape. : )

I always liked it.

[girlfromipanema]

Farscape was a great show. H and I used to enjoy watching it together. He loves SciFi... me, not so much, but Farscape was one I really liked.

H left the office not long ago, saying he was going to get something to eat. I had an uneasy feeling, so I sent him a text reminding him of my boundaries/requirements - that if contact occurs, I need to be notified. That it was a deal breaker if he didn't. That I wouldn't tolerate any continued deceit.

I felt horrible and bitchy for doing it.

He responded by saying he was at XYZ cafe, by himself and then would be stopping at Banana Republic, by himself.

I then replied that I hate that things have come to this, but my trusting nature didn't serve me well in the past and that I have to protect myself from further harm by making my expectations and boundaries clear and understood. That my level of tolerance was zero.

Did I make the correct call, sending that text and establishing my limits, which I already expressed to him verbally?

It doesn't feel good to be this way. It goes against my being, but I know that part of me (the trusting blindly part) helped him successfully carry out a 6 year affair. I must own the part I played and take action to change it.

I'm sure he wonders if this is what our future will be like and I wonder if I'll ever get to a point of being able trust him again.

I'm heading home to read more of "Not Just Friends". I also picked up a copy of "After the Affair". It was embarrassing to \
take that book to the cashier. He was an adorable young man, wearing a wedding ring and I could see a strange look come over him as he looked from me to the title of the book. I hope he treats his wife well and vice versa. Affairs are so rampant and I wonder if the human race is meant for monogamy...

[girlfromipanema]

Consider seeing a marriage counselor. Tackling long term infidelity and working through the process takes a third party. If you had a broken bone would you fix it yourself or go to a doctor, a professional. All this has to be processed in time. Why not go to someone who has the tools to help you do it right? Seeing a third party will also increase the accountability of your spouse.

In the past, I brought up going to a marriage counselor and he refused, but I brought it up on Sunday and he was open to it, if that was one of my requirements. He said (not verbatim) "I've always hesitated to go because I knew they would see right through me." Or something in the same vein. I probably have that quote off a bit. When my adrenaline is flowing, it's hard for me to remember exact details.

This may sound harsh but you are the one who needs to change if you do not want to be subjected to continual pain. I did, over time, with the help of my counselor.

I did make a huge mistake by not continuing to see my IC after we reconciled. In hindsight, I know he would have been the perfect sounding board for any little red flags. I tried to get in to see him this week, but his schedule is pretty full. They'll call me if he has any cancellations (which happen often, so I'm sure I'll get to see him soon). I think he'll be able to provide some marriage counselor recommendations and I trust his opinion. He is a great counselor and he knows my situation and he has known me even prior to getting married. I can't bear the thought of seeing someone new and rehashing the whole sordid affair from the beginning. Too exhausting.

Thank you for your honesty. I consider you a valued and true friend. You know that, right??? xoxoxo

[girlfromipanema]

I suggested to H that he leave - possibly on a temporary basis, but he says if he leaves it's for good. That he wants to be here so we can try to work on this together.

However, OW is not around and he says some days he wakes up and misses her, while other days he wakes up and is angry at her.

I'm here, so he has no chance to miss me. I've told him my feelings about this. I understand this is hard for him too.

This is very hard on me and it's unfair. My strength is disolving into questions about myself for some reason. I'm angry, sad, confused, hurt, disgusted, apathetic... the usual roller coaster of emotions.

I told him maybe he should go try to work it out with her. I don't want to be a second choice.

[sgctxok]

girl--

That was a tough decision, with tough timing. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Whatever you choose, we're with you, here to help.

sg

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks, sg. His response was that he was here. His tie to me is greater because we are married, but it will be difficult for him to turn off his feelings for her overnight. Because I can be rational, I understand this, but it still hurts tremendously.

The truth is, I'd rather him cry and fall to his knees, telling me he knows I'm the one he only wants and loves. Should I be grateful that he does love me as well? I asked if he loved us 50/50 and he responded that he loves us differently...

I hate her and feel sorry for her. I hate him and love him equally at this moment. I want restitution. I want to be the bigger person, but a part of me wants to lash out at them both. Expose them to all who know and respect them so they can experience public shame and humiliation. That would be the only restitution I could have, but it wouldn't make me feel better in the long run because I know my motivation is for people that know all three of us to tell me what a fool he is and what a horrible friend she is. I don't even know if both of those things are true. Trying to make sense of this is so hard.

I haven't told anyone other than my best friend and the DB community.

Thanks for the support, as always. Love to all.