wife preparing to leave me and kids

[blue2010]

Its mandatory with the phone so?? Sick of her emailing while she's in the house I think I am done she has no remorse. Kids will suffer most this is lousy.

[StillLearning]

I snooped, checked email and phone records and confronted my W about stuff. She changed her email password and got a non-contract phone from Wal-Mart.

Maybe you can be "done" and start moving on and it will turn around. From what I have seen other people post, if you don't go and file for D yourself, just start living like you're fine with a D (and right now that's what I am getting from your post) then you've truly let go and then there is a possibility of a turn around.

Obviously, I may not be the best one to be giving any advice since I seem to keep messing up. Take a look at mine http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110657#Post2110657 and you'll see the advice that's been given to me and how, to at least some people, I am still not doing any of this correctly.

[sandi2]

In the Div Bust. Plan is exposing the affair ever reccomended. I was told it was covered but I cannot find where.

Michele made her position very clear about not exposing. I wonder if you confuse "confronting" with exposing.

You talk as if you are through with the M. If so, your goals have changed. What are your goals now? How do you plan to accomplish your goals?

[Kemper]

I will give you insight from my situtation and preface my comments with the fact that we are still separated.

I DID confront my W about the A. I gave her the choice of OM or working on our family. She choose OM.

I DID NOT go out of my way to expose my W's A. However, I did honestly answer questions if people asked. Looking back I am glad I took the route I did. If I had aggressively exposed the A I feel that my W would not have been able to face all the people she "let down". I think it would be harder in that situtation to try and work on the M and wondering what everyone might be thinking about you. I know it shouldn't matter but in life sometimes people care too much about what other people think.

My opinion is they all know what they are doing is wrong, they know they are hurting you, they know they are destroying their family. However, their fantasy is even stronger than caring about what they are doing wrong.

Just yesterday my W made a comment that struck me. She said that her R with OM isn't going anywhere but she has tried to make it work. Why? Because she has been trying to prove that she made the right decision in leaving the family home and turing the M upside down.

You need to make the decision that is best for YOU.

[blue2010]

Thanks she already filed papers I was gonna play the game and see if it died a natural death while trying to save it om W has the evidence maybe we should gather more. Then confront. Dont know. I do understand confront vs expose. My w displays no signs of wanting to fix anything only disgust when I bring up it being actually the end. The more evidence the better maybe.

[Kemper]

It takes time. My W is just now starting to somewhat come around. It has been 16 months since the bomb and 9 months since she moved out of the house. For the most part I have left her alone and only engaged in child related discussions. I wanted her to live her life and realize that maybe I wasn't the cause of all the problems.

If you continue to push your W you are only going to confirm what she already thinks. In reading just a few posts I sense some anger, and honestly it is natural but it doesn't do any good to throw anything in her face.

I have a friend that would do really good for a week or so with his WAW, then he would get angry and throw stuff in his wife's face about the A, not working on the M, etc. He continued that cycle for weeks if not a couple of months. Personally I feel that he just recently really dropped the rope and interestingly enough his W seems to be popping up from time to time.

Would you want to have you W constantly telling you that you are making a mistake? Asking you to think about what you are doing? Most people, myself included, would go the opposite direction. I say this because I became involved with another person during my separation. When my W found out about my GF she starting doing the things that I did when I first found out about her A. From the other side it was very, very unattractive. If she wanted to push me away she succeeded, if she wanted to work on our R she was doing something that was never going to work.

[sandi2]

However, their fantasy is even stronger than caring about what they are doing wrong.

So true! The closest thing to understanding it is to compare with an addiction. Some LBS's hate that term and think it is an excuse for the WAS, but I do not mean it in that sense at all. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex......these things appeal to our senses in some way. Whenever it is an addiction, then it has power. I've seen what drug addicts will do to get their next fix. Some would sell the soul of their own child!

I can think back to where I first became vulnerable to an EA. I did not wake up one day and make a decision to get on line and try to meet some other man. It was subtle, you know....kind of like the frog being boiled to death. But after I was in,then I made some poor decisions and took risks, and it's God's grace that I got help before destroying my entire family.

I gave her the choice of OM or working on our family. She choose OM.

Sadly, that is often the case whenever the WAW is told to choose. The logical thought would be, of course, to choose her family. But, she is not thinking with a logical brain now.

[blue2010]

So maybe continue to gather the evidence act as if and go from there. I have to coordinate with OM spouse as well she has evidence I cannot gather. Maybe a little LRT in the house I believe I read about that being done.

[Kemper]

I would read to see how other people have been successful with LRT while living in the house. I will be honest in saying that I tried and failed miserably at it. It came across as angry, distant, etc.

LRT worked so much better for me when my W moved out. We didn't HAVE to be around each other and pretend anything. I didn't know what she was doing and she didn't know what I was doing. We only saw each other when custody changed and only talked about the kids.

Have you ever thought of just letting OM's S do what she thinks is best for her, and you do what is best for you?

What is the evidence going to do for you? You know you aren't crazy, you know she is having an A, she knows you know. I had evidence of the affair and the only thing I used it for was to protect myself. To this day the only copy is with my lawyer. I gave it to her to ensure that my W didn't get any alimony. I was looking out for me, not using it to be vindictive, not throwing it in her face.

I am not telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Just think about what it is you want in the long run and what steps are you going to take to get there. Look down the road, if what you do today impacts your ability to rebuild your marriage tomorrow then don't do it no matter how much you might want to get even.

[blue2010]

Thay think we don't know they are in congact because supposedly they set no contact a week ago and he recommitted to his M and told my W to leave him alone now we have multiple silly emails of contact and one where they met. So if we gathere or watched for more of a pattern over the next week get the kids to a sitter and confront.