You hang in as well. We go from the blame thing to a couple weeks ago she said it wasn't my fault at all. That stuff isn't my focus now house home happy Kids. GAL which is challenging since I am FT dad with income (so that is not argued again here on the board)
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
But she says she is done with everyone. She wants to move away. She doesn't want to rely on anyone. Is this fog talk.
Yes, very much fog. When a person falls in love and things are done right, do they want to wash their hands of everyone and just leave the area? No. But, when a M person is having an A and knows she is doing wrong, hurting her family, and disappointing her relatives.....then she wants to escape reality.
From the stories I have read over the years, most of the A's have been more escape routes for people wanting to get away from their real world. Sounds crazy, I know. People have many ways of escaping reality for a couple of hours, and some ways can lead to very painful results.
I agree with Bluestar about starting the conversation with W. Don't suggest or ask if there's something she needs to tell you. You may not see that as pressure or pursuing, but it is to her. Plus, it's very hard to have one of those talks without some arguring.
Here's a 180:
When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative either.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Succeeded and failed at that last night had a good peaceful conversation then. I asked a question a bit later after telling her she wouldn't want to hear it but she persisisted so I asked if she was still contacting OM by email and she wwould not give me a straight answer we argued a bit. She got angry I stayed calm. I should have just walked away. She did vent a bunch though. It was not my intention. I still feel I am at the whatever point. In bad form also I said fine if u want the D that bad we can joint file it with an agreement and it will be done in 30 days. She did not respond to that instead expressed how I asked for 6 months and she needed to do something right away to get her mortgage. It feels like a game at this point.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Just when I thought we had progress. OM W has email proof they are still meeting. She is going to print it we are going to confront them at the same time same day after xmas. Remind me again why not to expose to my family Om family and my W's family. Reading the marriage builders site and they highly reccomend it to end the affair. Just the other night my W was saying she wanted to tell everyone so why not.
I do not see this marriage surviving. As much as i planned on spending my dying days with her she continues to betray and lie i can't see it and she doesn't want it.
In the Div Bust. Plan is exposing the affair ever reccomended. I was told it was covered but I cannot find where.
Giving up on saving the M here. Unless confronting causes her some sort of revelation but she has already filed for D.
Advice Please
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
"In the Div Bust. Plan is exposing the affair ever reccomended. I was told it was covered but I cannot find where."
There's a time to "Act as if" everything's normal and a time to "Expose". Every sitch is different and timing is important.
Trust your instincts but not your emotions. That said, if your W has no fear of exposure, what's the question? The question is: "what action will get you closer to your goal versus further away??"
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I don't know what action will at this point. I am going to start with confronting with the evidence at the same time the OM spouse confronts him. We have decided to gauge their responses then decide the next action. I am torn. On exposing and have been throughout this ordeal.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
I understand how you are torn, I am too. Everything says to use instincts but not emotions; very hard to do b/c the emotions are so intense and it seems more and more that time is against you so you can't properly prepare.
I like the analogy of A's being like a drug. It is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane while my W is having an A. I keep trying to remember not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. An addict will do about anything for a fix, no matter how detrimental it is to them or others and it seems to be that way with WAS's coupled with A's. This isn't the woman I married (a mutual friend even told me that nobody can talk to W anymore b/c she has changed) and it sounds like you're in the same sitch.
I am a truck driving so I am not home much and my W has been having her A in our house while I am not around. She has been in the process of moving out and I found out about A by running across OM's stuff in my house but I didn't say anything right away. When she asked me (through text, the only form of communication we have) if I would be home for Christmas I told her yes. I then told her that she would be welcome in the house if she ever needed a place to stay but that OM is not welcome. She has said nothing else about OM and neither have I.
It is a hard decision and I can only relate what I've been going through. From some advice I had received on these boards about not being too soft I decided it was time for me to do a 180 and stand up for myself. I didn't ask or tell her to end A, I just let her know I knew and that I wouldn't stand for it in my home, meaning she can do it elsewhere.
Is it going to work? I don't know. Will it work for you? I don't know but keep in mind that RIGHT NOW you two are still living together and having face-to-face interaction and I think that you joining in exposing will blow that. With where I am at RIGHT NOW, I would kill to be in your sitch.
Thanks food for thought. I will figure out wording it will be along the lines of decide stop contacting or do it elsewhwere and she decides what she does maybe I will just shut off her data plan then she would have to use laptop. I am mentally prepared for her to leave.
H 37 WW 37 M 15 5 Children Bomb 9-27-10 W EA/Pa she filed 12-18-10
Just my feeling, turning off the dataplan is more of a revenge tactic than dealing with the issue. I've had lots of anger problems and that's the type of thing I think of doing when the anger is controlling my thoughts.
