I understand how you are torn, I am too. Everything says to use instincts but not emotions; very hard to do b/c the emotions are so intense and it seems more and more that time is against you so you can't properly prepare.
I like the analogy of A's being like a drug. It is the only thing keeping me somewhat sane while my W is having an A. I keep trying to remember not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do. An addict will do about anything for a fix, no matter how detrimental it is to them or others and it seems to be that way with WAS's coupled with A's. This isn't the woman I married (a mutual friend even told me that nobody can talk to W anymore b/c she has changed) and it sounds like you're in the same sitch.
I am a truck driving so I am not home much and my W has been having her A in our house while I am not around. She has been in the process of moving out and I found out about A by running across OM's stuff in my house but I didn't say anything right away. When she asked me (through text, the only form of communication we have) if I would be home for Christmas I told her yes. I then told her that she would be welcome in the house if she ever needed a place to stay but that OM is not welcome. She has said nothing else about OM and neither have I.
It is a hard decision and I can only relate what I've been going through. From some advice I had received on these boards about not being too soft I decided it was time for me to do a 180 and stand up for myself. I didn't ask or tell her to end A, I just let her know I knew and that I wouldn't stand for it in my home, meaning she can do it elsewhere.
Is it going to work? I don't know. Will it work for you? I don't know but keep in mind that RIGHT NOW you two are still living together and having face-to-face interaction and I think that you joining in exposing will blow that. With where I am at RIGHT NOW, I would kill to be in your sitch.
