LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

that was me being sarcastic. I actually wouldn't contact her. I'm just wondering if I should say something to him. Part of me thinks "nope - what would it solve - what good would it do". But it's so damned duplicitous. Ticks me off.

[HRT]

it's all about their history together and his relief in hearing her say she wants him back and that it was all her fault.

Hello Barb, (all)
I just wanted to say that I know how much it hurts with your H being involved with EW. I am in a smimilar situation, only it's my W with EH. I hope things get better for you.

[barbsing1]

Oh, HRT!!! I'm so very sorry that you find yourself in a similar situation.

Dealing with OW/OM is bad enough - add to that the history of an EW or EH and it just about takes the wind out of you.

I also hope things get better for you as well. Hang in there.

[HRT]

Thanks Barb,
When I read something someone posted about the H (not letting go from the ex and moving on) it really hit home with me. And EXACTLY when you say that dealing with OM/OW is bad enough, but having a history too. Its like adding insult to injury.

Amazing how much something like this can hurt. Sorry that we are both going through this,too.

[MHL]

Barb,
Sorry I have been absent for the past couple of weeks but what I am about to tell you has very much to do with why I have not been around.....I only hope others read this and benefit.

Just a little history on me.....I am post bomb about 18 months and it has taken most of that TIME to get where I am today. Why have I not been around.....I have moved on....been dating and have completely and utterly dropped the rope.....this is not easy to do and WE talk about it but it is effing hard to do....for real.

If you do not drop the rope for real......it means nothing.

I will tell you that most that come here in the beginning are not ready to drop the rope and pretty much do the same things you are doing......I did.

I had the same advice from the same people, Sandi2 was one of the first to post to me (thank you Sandi :)) The very best thing you can do is turn away from your husband as if you are never going to return to him EVER again. These are tough words but they are truth....trust me....I am living it right now!!!!

If your H is moving out....great!!! you will get peace in your life....there is no possible way you can possibly detach from his nonsense while he is under the same roof as you. I kicked my wife out of the house (clothes flying out the front door, cops at my house, big ugly scene) but within hours after she was out...I had peace.

If he is involved in an active ongoing affair with anyone, I don't care who it is (could be a freaking monkey) he does not need to be under the same roof as you. This is the best thing that can happen in your sitch. May seem as a setback but your husband is on a journey and he can not complete it while he is in the house with you and the kids.

The other thing I am going to pound into your head is TIME....

TIME
TIME
TIME
TIME
TIME

MWD says this over and over in DR.......most people do not get this.....I did not.....this is going to take TIME.....a lot of TIME. The sooner you get your head around this fact the better.

Go ahead, scream, yell, cry and do whatever you have to do to get it out of your system.......this is not going to be over until at least 2012.......sorry....that is the way it is.

Here is some good news....need some right now?????

Whether or not you think you can hack the time or not your actions are going to be the same.........

That's right....your thinking.."Missherlove there is no effing way I can put up with this crap until 2012!!!!!!"

Well guess what????? if you tell me that then I am going to tell you the same thing as I would if you told me that your COULD hack it until 2012.........

Barb.....you are on a train and you can't get off...sorry. The actions are the same no matter what you decide, that is the beauty of this whole thing.

You know what.....your going to look back on this later in life and say to yourself...."This is the best worst thing that ever happened to me!!!"

I can honestly say that my W's affairs are the best thing that ever happened to me as an individual.

Go back and re-read what I wrote to you 3 weeks ago. What are you doing for you???? You are getting there, I can read it.....I am here to push you along........here is some advice....STOP LOOKING AT YOUR H.......he is lost and confused......think of him as Medusa....if you look at him again you are going to turn to STONE!!!!! That is not a bad analogy....hmmmm....looking at him is the same as standing still.

You can come here and vent about him but focusing on him in the least is a complete waste of your time and energy!!!!!!

Most Newcomers come here looking for what they can DO......I am going to tell you what to do........

Stop interacting with him....period.

He is involved in an affair......he is disrespecting you and your kids...he does not deserve to be in your presence!!!!

Unless you absolutely have to be in his presensce, avoid him at all costs.

I do not expect you to understand right now.....it takes TIME to get it. If you are around him it will take you more TIME to get this.

I know what DR says and it is all true but what it does not tell you is that the beginnig takes much longer than is stated. Weeks and Months of doing the same thing....you will not get through this if you are constantly in contact with him.

Your first steps are so simple and take so long that you do not even need to think about what comes next because it is so far off.


Okay, enough about that.........NOW.......what about you????

What are you doing for YOU??????

What makes Barb happy????

What made Barb happy before she met Barb's H???????

Who is Barb?????

Is Barb, Barb....or is Barb...the Wife of Barb's H?????

What define's Barb?????

Better yet....How does Barb define herself?

Barb......this is HARD stuff....turn from him.......

look in the mirror............Who are YOU?????

What do you want to be?????

How do you want others to describe you?????

Answer these quesions honestly and you will find your path.

It will become so clear that you will wonder why you did not see it before.

Again my post is getting long. I will try my best to come back here and check on you......I am in in the middle of my own sitch. I can only hope that others can benefit from my journey.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Cheers!!!!!

[barbsing1]

Missher - I have missed you!

I did go back and read most of your threads a couple of weeks ago. You certainly have been through it all. Before I read them, I had assumed you and your W had reconciled. If I'm being honest, I was a bit sad to know you had ultimately filed. And I guess that is part of the deal with newbies - we are all looking for proof that things can work out the way we hope our marriages will work out. But you are right - I don't yet get that this situation will probably end up being the best/worst experience of my life. It only feels like the worst experience at this point. The thread you started about filing for D - you just seemed so at ease - drinking wine on your deck, reflecting, feeling grateful, content with the decision you had made yet not completely closing the door on your W.

2012 - yikes! I really don't feel like I can hang in that long!! Sometimes D seems like the least painful route, though I know in actuality, it is not at this point. If I'm being honest, I see very clearly that H and I have been in dire straights since last March - the affair with ex W has only been going on since August. I have so many regrets - wishing I would have started DB-ing back in March. I looked at the site but since things seemed to be going "okay", I just stopped looking.

Who is "Barb"? Who was "Barb"? Well for beginners, my name is not Barb (surprise! surprise!)! But in all seriousness, before meeting H, I was confident, very happy in my career (social worker - serving others) and receiving a lot of affirmation from co-workers and superiors for a job well-done, in fantastic shape (what 28-year-old isn't?!) and getting a lot of attention. But I was also wounded - having had two serious relationships which both ended in my partners being unfaithful and me hanging on way too long (see a pattern here?!). My H had an EA early on - was constantly searching for his ex-wife (as per google searches I found) and I became insecure. I allowed what he wanted to guide who I was becoming. I learned to walk on eggshells early. Since all of this went down, I have been making small steps to work on myself for me and my kids - I am in better shape than I've been since I was 28 and I have come to remember my faith - because really, there truly are no atheists in foxholes - and that is exactly where I am sitting...in a foxhole.

So ya - while I am terrified of him leaving because so much of who I am is wrapped up in his approval and love, I do recognize it is a necessary step for me and for him. I would love to say I'm NOT hoping he realizes the grass is not greener - embracing that mentality would prove I am GAL for me and not for any perceived future with him. But I'm afraid to lose all hope because if I do, then it really is over.

So missher - thanks again. And while I know you are going through stuff yourself, I really do appreciate you checking in and also appreciate all of the support from other members in this community.

By the way, I really liked your Medusa metaphor!!! Spot-on!!! I tried it this morning and it just felt more natural than when I am trying to remind myself about the LRT.

Merry Christmas.

[barbsing1]

H continued to ask me how I liked my phone - did I miss my old one, etc. It was like a scene out of Hamlet "The Lady doth protest too much, me thinks". I had talked myself down from asking him about it, but with all of his questioning, I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked him if the two identical charges on his bill was a mistake or if he had purchased another gift card for a phone. He became really defensive then said he didn't know but would check into it. I basically just told him I knew he was being dishonest and out of respect for me, would he please just let me know if I was right or wrong. His game has always been to make me wrong - to lie to me when I am spot-on with something important to our relationship (EA, PA, spending money, etc). This has made me doubt my instinct for years and years. He asked why I wanted to know since I had already formulated an opinion (deflecting). I told him I wanted to know so that I would stop questioning myself - if he could at least give me honesty at the most basic human level. He finally said "you already know the answer". I said I didn't and needed to hear it from his mouth. He said "yes - I bought one for her too...are you happy?!" He then chuckled. I explained I was not happy at all, that it was not funny in the least. And then I stopped talking. I have not been rude to him but have not been able to look him in the eye. You know, every camel has that proverbial last straw. I think this was it for me. I do believe I really am ready to live my life without him, come what may. I'm tired of the emotional abuse, the roller coaster. I'm tired of wasting my very precious time (because life is never long enough for any of us) on this impossible-to-fix situation. Only he can fix it and I can no longer hold out hope that he will. I love my H. I know something horrible is brewing in him to make him say and do things so out of his character. But he is a grown man. I have work to do and kids to take care of. Oh - wait. Here he comes...

He just came in and told me he was so sorry - that I didn't have to accept his apology but that he was so very sorry. I thanked him for the apology and then shared I was concerned for him. I said point blank that I loved him but that I was unsure that I could help him through his confusion at this time as his actions were so out of character (wait - didn't I just write that a few moments ago?? His timing here was impeccable, no? I was prepared!).

Anyway - so there you go. I do believe it's time for me to start living again.

Merry Christmas to all.

[MHL]

Barb,

It is amazing how it works when you start to turn from them.....

But

The thing is the turning needs to be "done" for YOU and not to get him back.

We think we can hide the purpose for our actions but the purpose is the life blood of the words we speak and the actions we take.......your intentions will come shinning through your actions.

When you responded to your H's answer about the phone and explained that it was a "respect" thing, you were not coming across as pursuing or upset. You were more concerned about YOU and how YOU felt then how he was feeling towards YOU.

You are definitely "getting it" here in the words you write, and that is great!!!! I will tell you this........ it takes a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time to make it a part of your "skin" as a good friend here likes to put it.

Your comment about hope......

But I'm afraid to lose all hope because if I do, then it really is over.

Let me twist that around a little......

I HOPE you are not AFRAID of the fact that your old marriage is OVER.

Never loose hope Barb.....

But

Think about what it is you are hoping for??????

Fear and being afraid......this is HUGE, and it is the main thing that has to be overcome in every situation and the thing is......

It takes TIME to overcome our FEARS

Fear

of a life without your H

that you will never be happy again

that your children will suffer

that you might lose your home

that he will come back and you have moved on....

Conquering your fears will open up a whole new world to you, it did for me. That is the peace and contentment that you read in my thread.

Stop HOPING that your marriage will not end.......it already has, at least way you and your H knew it. Once you accept that fact then there is no reason to FEAR it.....it has already happened.

When you realize this...I mean REALLY realize this you will start to feel yourself move forward and get back to the Barb you once were........

The Barb that would not allow this crap in her life. Love your husband enough to turn away from him and let him go while he is doing this.....he will thank you later.

It is Christmas......give yourself the gift that keeps on giving everyday for the rest of your life.....give yourself back SELF RESPECT.

I still love my W......always will and I am not talking about the cliche'....

"I will always love her b/c she is the mother of my children"

Sorry that is crap....I love her differently than that. I accept that but I will not be her "Plan B" or "C" or "D" or anything......

If and when she decides that I am the MOST IMPORTANT person in her life besides GOD.......then I will consider a relationship with her again. I respect myself too much to put myself in that situation again......EVER.

Merry Christmas....

Cheers!!!

[barbsing1]

Missher -

Your posts are like a salve to my wounds. Everything you say - I mean everything - always resonates with me. It's nice to know I have someone cheering me on who has experienced something similar and made it through to the other side.

Yes - the marriage we once had has ended. I'm in the process of mourning that loss. It's like I'm going straight through the fire - I'll come out purified on the other end but the process is painful.

I do need to conquer my fears and regain my respect. I took a huge step in moving toward that goal last night. My dad went through something similar with my mom so many years ago - he pursued, he begged, he pleaded, he left his self-respect at the door every day (hmm......like father, like daughter?!) And then one day, he woke up. He told me that I would know when it was time to let go and that I would not be afraid on that day.

H slept in another room last night - I didn't pursue him to come back to bed as usual. I woke up sad regarding our situation but I also woke up knowing I could let him go because right now he is not good for ME. Letting him go will benefit him too - but without a crystal ball, I can't project that in letting him go, he might come back.

So Missher - thank you again. You are an inspiration and I appreciate you!

[Nina]

Angel61 and Barbsing!
Today, I too felt like throwing in the towel, but after reading your posts, I don't feel so alone.

Other things: I read "Love Dare", and although I did not do the dares (Blcch, pursuing! as one DB'er says), it made me see love through Christian eyes, also made me more accepting of rejection, and work on choosing to love unconditionally. It is hard but in the end, it is really for you to have peace and I even managed to forgive (most of the time anyway!)

Sounds like a good book to read. I am working on showing my H love unconditionally, 1 Corin 13. I agree this is very hard to do in the face of adversity, but you will feel better for having done so. Forgiveness is the path to peace and it gives you a sense of victory as well.

Barbsing1, I understand how you feel about the rejection. It is really painfull. I suggest you don't talk about the M with your spouse. Tell him that you don't want to discuss the R anymore. If you are seeing a MC, tell your H that you will only discuss the M during counseling sessions. This helps to set up boundries for your own well being. It allows you to put a stop to the rejection and hurtful things your husband is telling you on a daily basis. Instead you only have to hear it once or everyother week.

Sit down and write a list of what you want to work on for yourself. Someone on my post told me that list is much nicer. It trull is. Work on plan to achieve and complete the list your make for yourself. You need to distract yourself from your marriage. Give you mind and heart a break.

Godbless