H continued to ask me how I liked my phone - did I miss my old one, etc. It was like a scene out of Hamlet "The Lady doth protest too much, me thinks". I had talked myself down from asking him about it, but with all of his questioning, I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked him if the two identical charges on his bill was a mistake or if he had purchased another gift card for a phone. He became really defensive then said he didn't know but would check into it. I basically just told him I knew he was being dishonest and out of respect for me, would he please just let me know if I was right or wrong. His game has always been to make me wrong - to lie to me when I am spot-on with something important to our relationship (EA, PA, spending money, etc). This has made me doubt my instinct for years and years. He asked why I wanted to know since I had already formulated an opinion (deflecting). I told him I wanted to know so that I would stop questioning myself - if he could at least give me honesty at the most basic human level. He finally said "you already know the answer". I said I didn't and needed to hear it from his mouth. He said "yes - I bought one for her too...are you happy?!" He then chuckled. I explained I was not happy at all, that it was not funny in the least. And then I stopped talking. I have not been rude to him but have not been able to look him in the eye. You know, every camel has that proverbial last straw. I think this was it for me. I do believe I really am ready to live my life without him, come what may. I'm tired of the emotional abuse, the roller coaster. I'm tired of wasting my very precious time (because life is never long enough for any of us) on this impossible-to-fix situation. Only he can fix it and I can no longer hold out hope that he will. I love my H. I know something horrible is brewing in him to make him say and do things so out of his character. But he is a grown man. I have work to do and kids to take care of. Oh - wait. Here he comes...
He just came in and told me he was so sorry - that I didn't have to accept his apology but that he was so very sorry. I thanked him for the apology and then shared I was concerned for him. I said point blank that I loved him but that I was unsure that I could help him through his confusion at this time as his actions were so out of character (wait - didn't I just write that a few moments ago?? His timing here was impeccable, no? I was prepared!).
Anyway - so there you go. I do believe it's time for me to start living again.
Merry Christmas to all.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
