NKOTB

[tpc1977]

New here. Someone pointed me to this site for help. Great material and support here. Thank you to everyone.

Two nights ago my wife finally told me she was having an affair. I was floored!! I knew it in the back of my mind. Certain things about her changed and I really believe God was poking me to wake up. So I confronted her and finally dragged it out of her.

We've been married almost 15 years. Her affair was about a year long, I think. I really haven't gotten to the point of asking too many questions yet. Honestly, I don't want to know too much. I'm sick as it is.

My problem was that I do see where I pushed her away enough emotionally and cut the rope that connected us. I'll admit, I wasn't the man she needed when she needed someone. And she needed me a lot. She's been through a lot and I brushed too much of it away to keep to myself.

I've never, in all our years together, seen her cry like she did the night she confessed and the day after when we really started talking about it. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. I've cried more in these past couple of days than in many, many decades combined. I feel walked on, laughed at, ridiculed, and betrayed. Maybe some of my feelings are immature. It seems that way. "Suck it up!" I keep telling myself. "Fix it and move on." But that was my problem in the past. I've always wanted to fix her or tell her what she needed to get better and move past it. I mean, that's how I managed myself. Why not her?

So she found someone to fill that void, that chasm, I wasn't wanting to bridge. And apparently he was all that.

I'm sick on my stomach even typing this. I hurt in places I haven't hurt my whole life. Those school-boy crushes have nothing on the utter damage something like this creates. It obliterates the innocence your marriage possessed. Just in the few days I've had to deal with this I can see how it slowly infiltrates every aspect of your thought process. It's a blackness that slowly covers all the wonderful thoughts you once had about your relationship.

Now. Just two days later, I see my wife differently than I have ever seen her. Yes, still with a love. I cannot shake that. But she's different. As if, someone gave me a new set of eyes. Darker, unwelcoming eyes. My skin has changed too. Her touch seems fake and weak - almost with a haunting sensation. She's damaged. Her touch is damaged. Her words are damaged. Her essence is damaged.

But I hear her deep sobs and my mood changes from scorn to support. We are going through a financial crises, as well, that is quite crippling. For a while it seems like I have tried to hold us up through a ton of burdens and now I feel I need to help hold my wife up through this as well. We have children who we want to guard from all this; the financial burden, the marriage problems, her affair. It’s almost ironic. Because I feel as though I am going to fall any moment. Possibly never to get up. And I would welcome it too. But I need to be here for us. Or at least I think I do. Maybe that's a problem in itself.

[Truegritter]

I'm sick on my stomach even typing this. I hurt in places I haven't hurt my whole life.

You are going to feel this way for a bit.

The big question is what are you going to do with it.

Darker, unwelcoming eyes

Normal reaction.

You are here. What do you want because you do control part of this.

I see you are starting to look at your part in it.

No excuse for her choice to go outside the M.

Crisis makes people do things they wouldn't normally do.

But it can also define us in a way we never thought about.

Now is the time for you to dig deep within yourself and ask yourself some tough questions.

When you took your vows. You said:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life. For better or worse."

This may certainly be the worse. Most people (50% divorce rate) don't have the stomach for worse.

Did you say that day:

" I will be with you for better or worse

BUT

If you get scared and lose your way.

If you get so scared you run away.

I won't."

?

We can react to what our spouse does or doesn't do.

That is easy.

Watch any school yard fight.

What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not guaranteed it can be saved?

What is it that tpc believes in. What are his values and beliefs.

Time to get to figuring what kind of man you want to be. What kind of husband you want to be.

This is all up to you.

But I need to be here for us. Or at least I think I do. Maybe that's a problem in itself.

Only if you are not up to it.

Don't let anyone decide something for you.

You have YOUR answer inside you.

That is your first step. Then ...

there are folks here to help you get there.

because we have all been there.

[tpc1977]

Thank you.

[tpc1977]

Today was/is rough. I'm hurt but willing to move forward in counseling. My wife has hurt herself with guilt to the point that she is unsure of many things. One of which is to continue. At least that's what I'm getting from our conversations. She's confused - totally.

Right now, more than anything, I need confirmation that she is willing to move forward. I need this for myself because I feel like I've lost her. And right now she is in a win-win situation. She can fall on me or the other guy and be OK. She doesn't have to feel the real loss of someone she loves because she can find it again in someone who consoled her when I was doing my own things.

I don't know what to do. I feel needy. But I cannot show it because I fear it will push her away. I want to be patient with her. Listen. And be her friend. But more than anything I want to be someone she could never be without. And I'm far from that right now.

This hurts. To be cheated on and still feel like you have to make amends.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

TPC,

Grit gave you a damn good welcome.

I'll say this, if you wondering if your marriage can survive an affair, if the trust can come back and sense of security, it can. It takes work on both your parts but it can come back.

[girlfromipanema]

I highly recommend the book "Not Just Friends" which will help you understand your pain and your spouses pain and take a reasonable approach to dealing with what has happened.

Wishing you well... and so sorry you're here.

[tpc1977]

I want to tie myself to her. That rope I destroyed by years of selfishness has been tied to someone else. I'm not taking all the blame for what she had done. We both played a role in this disconnect. But now, more than anything, I want to mend that rope. I want to walk hand in hand with a comforting love.

Every waking moment I'm full of anxiety. But I'm trying to hold back my fears and stand strong in the midst of the storm. Holding just a mustard seed of faith that God is with us.

I got out of the shower this morning and started crying. When I got out into the living room after dressing I did it again. Deep crying. Crying with no clear cut reason. Just from weight and confusion.

God have mercy on me.

[tpc1977]

What's really tough is the fact that I cannot see the remorse in her. At first it was there. But if it still exists she is hiding it well.

Where's my motivation to continue? How do I know what I'm doing is working? Is there a chance that she will freely give her heart back to me? The one she started giving to someone else?

I don't want to force it. I don't want her to love me because she "thinks" that's the way it should be. So I continue. Continue to try and woo her like when we first met. The times she recalls and remarks on.

It's like a bookmark. She has a chapter of my life she can remember and goes there once and a while. I used to get mad at her and tell her we have both changed. Life and time changes everything. She's not the woman she once was and I'm not the man I once was. But that's the man she fell in love with and I took him away from her. Now she's been taken away from me. And another chapter has been written.

With God, I hope to start a new chapter - a new book. Time to throw the old one away and begin again. If it's not too late. Every woman deserves a man to make her feel special - like a queen. A queen full of beauty and boldness. Yet in need of a hero. Someone to let her know that her kingdom will always be protected and full of life.

God help me show her a new kingdom.

[tpc1977]

We are meeting with our Pastor tonight - again. He's told us that since we cannot afford counseling he will be glad to help us as much as he can.

Our last meeting went pretty good. But my wife seems like she's slipping back into her old self even though I'm really trying to show her a different man.

[girlfromipanema]

Thinking of you, tpc. At some point, I'd say almost all of us here have been exactly where you are now - the anxiety, fear, deep sobs, etc. I promise you won't feel like this forever but I'm sorry, from the bottom of my heart, that you're going through this now.