Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Someone who used to be a big part of my life passed away last night unexpectedly. He was hot headed, emotional and hard to deal with at times, but he was special in ways that are difficult to describe. He knew how to make me feel wonderful about myself and like a complete flop within a matter of minutes. He was a decent man; a complicated man. I hope death is the beginning of something beautiful for him.

It’s funny/strange to me that as I wake up each morning, my body is more aware of my “trauma” than my mind. As consciousness comes, emotionally I feel peaceful and then the strong, uneven beating of my heart snaps me back to reality.

I’m still feeling very numb; apathetic. It makes me wonder if I don’t love my husband as much as I think I do/did. I haven’t cried more than a few tears. Perhaps the peace I feel now will morph into the pain I anticipate most people would experience.

As I’m trying to make my way through Not Just Friends, I find myself thinking, 'blah, blah, blah, yawn.'

I remember a few years ago being so down and out; wondering if I I would ever laugh again... I'm able to laugh today and genuinely smile. It's not my usual laughter or smile, but at least I know I will get back to my normally happy self before long.

I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel a tiny part of me has died. It’s hard to explain. I realize how sad that sounds, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. I hope the small part of me that has died is the weakest part.

R.I.P. to my friend and to my weakness.