Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

For example, you're still holding onto the guilt of the Hawaii incident which was more a highly inappropriate reaction by your spouse. You carry the blame and guilt because of his guilt and deceit. And it was just a statement, probably offhand.. a question about children, right? Step aside and look at it with a different perspective. HE was in the wrong. You are sensitive and caring of another's needs. It's like my former spouse. Even though I kept asking him if something was wrong, he said it was all me. Everything was fine as far as he was concerned. Liar.

Did I give the impression that I'm holding on to guilt? I've let that go. I didn't react the way I wanted to, but I was in so much pain. I forgave myself for that a long time ago. My guilt over that is history. He was in the wrong. I wasn't perfect, but I deserved better than what he gave me. I asked for reassurances and expected effort on his part. I may have been "unattractive" in my neediness, but when you see someone you love in so much pain, isn't your normal reaction to do what you can to relieve some of it - especially if you're causing it? That may be what I struggle with most now: That I knew they were crossing boundaries, I expressed it as lovingly as possible to both, and they showed me with their actions that they couldn't care less. At the time, I didn't know if I deserved better. Today I know without a doubt that I do.

This may sound harsh but you are the one who needs to change if you do not want to be subjected to continual pain. I did, over time, with the help of my counselor. One word... boundaries. Learning to know and listen to my intuition, gut feel.

You are 100% correct. I love myself now, but I know that I am the only one I can depend on to take care of my needs. In the past I was concerned with being the crazy, jealous wife. In fact, the first appointment I made with my IC waaaay before any of this blew up (4 or 5 years ago), he had me convinced it was something within myself causing these feelings of jealousy: FEAR. In a way, I am glad to go through this experience (again) because I know I will learn more about myself and learn how to implement necessary changes to become stronger, more aware. Boundaries is something I've always struggled with. Demanding that my needs are met certainly isn't something I've put a priority on. This experience is good. Now I know I will conquer these two weaknesses.

You are not a victim. You have rights and expectations. You are worth it, all the rainbows and rescued kittens in the world.

*hugs*

I don't think I feel like a victim, but I feel innocent of responsibilty for the affair. Is that still considering myself a victim? I love you immensely. I appreciate your directness. I appreciate YOU.