Separated for 11 weeks (long)...

[thatgirl007]

We went to a hockey game last night and had a really good time. he'd had two beers to drink, so I was the designated driver and when I asked him if he wanted me to drop him off at his place, he was silent. I really didn't know what he wanted and one of the things I am no longer doing is letting things get heavy. So, I said..."We're on the freeway, speak within the next two exits or you're mine for the night." He didn't say anything. So, I took him home with me. We split a bottle of wine and watched stand-up specials on Netflix and then went to bed.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and he was sitting on the edge of the bed, quiet as a mouse, just looking at me. I asked him if he was okay. He said that he was and I gave him a quick touch and rolled over and went back to bed.

He woke up with a headache and was pretty grumpy. I had to work at noon, so I did my normal morning ritual and he tagged along - just as grumpy as could be. Then, I dropped him off and told him, "Thanks for hanging out with me."

He said, "I'm sorry I've been so grumpy." This a rare and magical thing. His apologies have always been few and far between. I liked the fact that he recognized that his behavior warranted an apology and that he was willing to acknowledge it without me saying a word.

I told him that I understand and hoped he feels better. I gave him some extra-strength pills that I had in my purse and he gave me a long, feely kiss, told me he'd text me and off he went.

I had a lot of mixed emotions over the course of the night. I loved watching the hockey game with him and laughing at comedy. I also feel this gaping hole in that place of security that used to come from being fully and openly committed to one another. Not from feelings of affection or love because those are still intact, it's that feeling of security that's missing. I'd love to have that feeling back, but it's just not there. I wonder if it ever will be?

Maybe I'll have to re-envision security, redefine it? Security can come from the knowledge that I am strong, that I am capable of living a good life all by myself, that I get to keep the best company in the world for the rest of my life - my own! Regardless of who shows up to love me and be part of my life, I will always have me - and that's a pretty good guarantee. I need to remember that.