After the discovery, I've wondered who my husband is. I thought he was special, had integrity and was honorable. I thought he was different. Now I don't know how he is. I know he has challenges in the communication department, but lots of people do. Even I do at times.
I saw the myth below and was wondering if my husband could be a decent person who got caught up with something that spiraled beyond his control.
Myth: The person who has an affair has no morals.
The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.
If that is the case, how do I go about repairing my image of him? I told him I may require us to go to marriage counseling, but I'm concerned about how to find a good one. I know Michele's book has a full chapter devoted to counseling do more harm than good, if memory serves correctly.
If you think it's foolish of me to even consider giving him a chance, please don't be afraid to express your opinions (Handsome Rat, et al.).
I think you're right here. There are people who are jerks with no morals, and there are people with addictions, and others who just get caught up in the spiral after an initial weakness.
We make a lot of judgments on here, but on our end, we truly have no clue, you have to go with what's true for you and what you can stand and are willing to stand.
Maybe you can ask yourself what you will get out of each potential decision, and what you will have to give up, and see what works for you.
When I first read this, I agreed.... but I have thought about it a bit more.
I can see how it would be "easy" to get caught up in what we would call an EA, and be able to rationalize it away in our heads. But when they cross the line to a PA.... it seems to me that requires a conscious decision, real action to find the time and place. Any ability to rationalize it away goes out the window.
I think that while 80% may say what's quoted above, a lot of it has to do with trying to make themselves feel better. They are trying to make excuses, and really, it's inexcusable. I mean, lots of us would like some extra cash.... somehow we manage not to rob the local convenience store, or pull off a bank heist!
I wouldn't say they have no morals, but I would say that they make a conscious decision to ignore them. It's not an accident that they fall into bed.
I guess my point is that I wouldn't be cutting too much slack. A six year affair that continues after it was found out the first time isn't an accident, it isn't a "mistake". It's a long term pattern of deceit, lying, willful disrespect, and even potential disregard for his spouse's life.
