Kaboom

[sgctxok]

After the discovery, I've wondered who my husband is. I thought he was special, had integrity and was honorable. I thought he was different. Now I don't know how he is. I know he has challenges in the communication department, but lots of people do. Even I do at times.

I saw the myth below and was wondering if my husband could be a decent person who got caught up with something that spiraled beyond his control.

Myth: The person who has an affair has no morals.

The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.

If that is the case, how do I go about repairing my image of him? I told him I may require us to go to marriage counseling, but I'm concerned about how to find a good one. I know Michele's book has a full chapter devoted to counseling do more harm than good, if memory serves correctly.

If you think it's foolish of me to even consider giving him a chance, please don't be afraid to express your opinions (Handsome Rat, et al.).

I think you're right here. There are people who are jerks with no morals, and there are people with addictions, and others who just get caught up in the spiral after an initial weakness.

We make a lot of judgments on here, but on our end, we truly have no clue, you have to go with what's true for you and what you can stand and are willing to stand.

Maybe you can ask yourself what you will get out of each potential decision, and what you will have to give up, and see what works for you.

[desert_rat]

After the discovery, I've wondered who my husband is. I thought he was special, had integrity and was honorable. I thought he was different. Now I don't know how he is. I know he has challenges in the communication department, but lots of people do. Even I do at times.

I saw the myth below and was wondering if my husband could be a decent person who got caught up with something that spiraled beyond his control.

Myth: The person who has an affair has no morals.

The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.

If that is the case, how do I go about repairing my image of him? I told him I may require us to go to marriage counseling, but I'm concerned about how to find a good one. I know Michele's book has a full chapter devoted to counseling do more harm than good, if memory serves correctly.

If you think it's foolish of me to even consider giving him a chance, please don't be afraid to express your opinions (Handsome Rat, et al.).

I think you're right here. There are people who are jerks with no morals, and there are people with addictions, and others who just get caught up in the spiral after an initial weakness.

We make a lot of judgments on here, but on our end, we truly have no clue, you have to go with what's true for you and what you can stand and are willing to stand.

Maybe you can ask yourself what you will get out of each potential decision, and what you will have to give up, and see what works for you.

When I first read this, I agreed.... but I have thought about it a bit more.

I can see how it would be "easy" to get caught up in what we would call an EA, and be able to rationalize it away in our heads. But when they cross the line to a PA.... it seems to me that requires a conscious decision, real action to find the time and place. Any ability to rationalize it away goes out the window.

I think that while 80% may say what's quoted above, a lot of it has to do with trying to make themselves feel better. They are trying to make excuses, and really, it's inexcusable. I mean, lots of us would like some extra cash.... somehow we manage not to rob the local convenience store, or pull off a bank heist!

I wouldn't say they have no morals, but I would say that they make a conscious decision to ignore them. It's not an accident that they fall into bed.

I guess my point is that I wouldn't be cutting too much slack. A six year affair that continues after it was found out the first time isn't an accident, it isn't a "mistake". It's a long term pattern of deceit, lying, willful disrespect, and even potential disregard for his spouse's life.

[girlfromipanema]

For example, you're still holding onto the guilt of the Hawaii incident which was more a highly inappropriate reaction by your spouse. You carry the blame and guilt because of his guilt and deceit. And it was just a statement, probably offhand.. a question about children, right? Step aside and look at it with a different perspective. HE was in the wrong. You are sensitive and caring of another's needs. It's like my former spouse. Even though I kept asking him if something was wrong, he said it was all me. Everything was fine as far as he was concerned. Liar.

Did I give the impression that I'm holding on to guilt? I've let that go. I didn't react the way I wanted to, but I was in so much pain. I forgave myself for that a long time ago. My guilt over that is history. He was in the wrong. I wasn't perfect, but I deserved better than what he gave me. I asked for reassurances and expected effort on his part. I may have been "unattractive" in my neediness, but when you see someone you love in so much pain, isn't your normal reaction to do what you can to relieve some of it - especially if you're causing it? That may be what I struggle with most now: That I knew they were crossing boundaries, I expressed it as lovingly as possible to both, and they showed me with their actions that they couldn't care less. At the time, I didn't know if I deserved better. Today I know without a doubt that I do.

This may sound harsh but you are the one who needs to change if you do not want to be subjected to continual pain. I did, over time, with the help of my counselor. One word... boundaries. Learning to know and listen to my intuition, gut feel.

You are 100% correct. I love myself now, but I know that I am the only one I can depend on to take care of my needs. In the past I was concerned with being the crazy, jealous wife. In fact, the first appointment I made with my IC waaaay before any of this blew up (4 or 5 years ago), he had me convinced it was something within myself causing these feelings of jealousy: FEAR. In a way, I am glad to go through this experience (again) because I know I will learn more about myself and learn how to implement necessary changes to become stronger, more aware. Boundaries is something I've always struggled with. Demanding that my needs are met certainly isn't something I've put a priority on. This experience is good. Now I know I will conquer these two weaknesses.

You are not a victim. You have rights and expectations. You are worth it, all the rainbows and rescued kittens in the world.

*hugs*

I don't think I feel like a victim, but I feel innocent of responsibilty for the affair. Is that still considering myself a victim? I love you immensely. I appreciate your directness. I appreciate YOU.

[girlfromipanema]

If you are going to meet up with her, I wonder if you could ask this OW to ante up a portion of the therapy to heal your marriage, since she ante'd up her share to chip away at it.

I hope you are finding some joy with the Christmas season on us.

This may be false pride, but I do not want a thing from OW. I've already packed up all the gifts she's given me throughout the years. I haven't yet decided what to do with them, but out of my house and out of my life they go.

The only thing I want from her is for her to cultivate some sympathy, compassion, regret for what she has done to her boyfriend. His first wife did the exact same thing - cheated with one of his friends. I feel bad for him and OW treats him like a piece of garbage; at least my husband has been loving and kind to me (even if it wasn't sincere). She berates, belittles, and emasculates her BF every chance she gets. I know he is responsible for allowing that to happen, but he's scared. He's 70 years old. He doesn't have a lot going for him and I feel she helped rip him to shreds and reduce him to what he is today. Sadly, he doesn't take steps to improve himself, but it still bothers me that she's hurt him so deeply. No one deserves that treatment.

I will find some joy this Christmas. I still have so much beauty in my life - lovely friends (I reconnected with my best friend after a long absence from each other's life this year!), and people who truly care about me and tell me how special I am every day. Thank you, SG for following along on my journey and providing feedback and support. I appreciate your perspective and kindness beyond words.

[girlfromipanema]

I guess my point is that I wouldn't be cutting too much slack. A six year affair that continues after it was found out the first time isn't an accident, it isn't a "mistake". It's a long term pattern of deceit, lying, willful disrespect, and even potential disregard for his spouse's life.

I hear you and agree with you completely. The trouble I'm having is making sense of it all... I want to make the right decision for my future.

By the way, you commented yesterday about not being in the right frame of mind for DBing. My opinion and experience is that DBing is more about rescuing oneself rather than one's marriage. Putting the DB principles to work, helped me become a more beautiful person to me. And my love of self is the best gift of all.

[girlfromipanema]

If you want to make it work do it on your terms. Do it in an informed manner which leads to a healthy, not just good, place for you. It demands accountability on both sides. Him to repair the damage and learn what it takes to be a true life partner. You to feel your worth that you do expect and deserve the unerring love of the husband of your vows. And dang nab it.. that you're just one helluva a woman who deserves the best in life.

I don't believe in the term "soul mate". I definitely believe in the term soul friend. My soul was meant to know you and call you friend. I hope the love I feel for you is making it's way across the country and into your heart.

[desert_rat]

(((((girl)))))

What I was trying to say yesterday was that my opinion at the time was the DBing, with the intent of saving the marriage, wasn't very high on my list. You know I have always thought DBing was more about saving you.... and I know that you have been doing that all along!

I don't know how to make sense of it.... there doesn't seem to be a lot of sense in it. I think some time for reflection is a good idea, as long as it doesn't get obsessive, which I wouldn't expect. A little time almost ignoring it might not be awful, just to let you feel that your life is still good, and still going to get better. Again, I know you know it, but taking the time to feel it might not be a bad thing.

I really like that it is already clear that you don't tie your happiness to him. That's such a huge step, and so many struggle with it for so long!

[girlfromipanema]

I hear ya. To be honest, and maybe I shouldn't be hear because how I feel, but I could care less about DBing to save my marriage. ;-) Maybe I DB to see if I WANT to save it? I came here for support and perspective, which is one thing I can for sure count on!

(((((girl)))))

I really like that it is already clear that you don't tie your happiness to him. That's such a huge step, and so many struggle with it for so long!

Gosh, I've read some really sad posts from some very sad people. I can't even comment on them because I see these posters have been here for quite some time and I don't see them making strides in accepting, loving, changing themselves. They are stuck and no matter how many posters try to steer them in the right direction, they circle back to square one. They remind me of OW's boyfriend. They don't necessarily deserve to be in their situation, but if they don't take steps to fix their internal issues, they will be stuck forever.

[thatgirl007]

Girl, you are getting sound advice from many more experienced and sage than I am.

But I wanted to tell you that I want to be just like you when I grow up! You are such an inspiration. You love yourself and others tremendously and it comes across loud and clear. I am like you in many ways and I identify with your attitude, your spirit and your thoughts of empathy for others.

The thing about life is - it's not about what happens to us; it's about how we handle what happens to us. And the way you are handling this is awesome and amazing. What your H and OW did is almost secondary to those of us who read your words. It's tragic and wrong on so many levels what they did, but the big story, the main event of this thread - is how well-balanced, well-adjusted and well-loved (by yourself!) you are.

Merry Christmas, darling!

[girlfromipanema]

Someone who used to be a big part of my life passed away last night unexpectedly. He was hot headed, emotional and hard to deal with at times, but he was special in ways that are difficult to describe. He knew how to make me feel wonderful about myself and like a complete flop within a matter of minutes. He was a decent man; a complicated man. I hope death is the beginning of something beautiful for him.

It’s funny/strange to me that as I wake up each morning, my body is more aware of my “trauma” than my mind. As consciousness comes, emotionally I feel peaceful and then the strong, uneven beating of my heart snaps me back to reality.

I’m still feeling very numb; apathetic. It makes me wonder if I don’t love my husband as much as I think I do/did. I haven’t cried more than a few tears. Perhaps the peace I feel now will morph into the pain I anticipate most people would experience.

As I’m trying to make my way through Not Just Friends, I find myself thinking, 'blah, blah, blah, yawn.'

I remember a few years ago being so down and out; wondering if I I would ever laugh again... I'm able to laugh today and genuinely smile. It's not my usual laughter or smile, but at least I know I will get back to my normally happy self before long.

I don’t feel depressed, but I do feel a tiny part of me has died. It’s hard to explain. I realize how sad that sounds, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. I hope the small part of me that has died is the weakest part.

R.I.P. to my friend and to my weakness.