Barb, Sorry I have been absent for the past couple of weeks but what I am about to tell you has very much to do with why I have not been around.....I only hope others read this and benefit.
Just a little history on me.....I am post bomb about 18 months and it has taken most of that TIME to get where I am today. Why have I not been around.....I have moved on....been dating and have completely and utterly dropped the rope.....this is not easy to do and WE talk about it but it is effing hard to do....for real.
If you do not drop the rope for real......it means nothing.
I will tell you that most that come here in the beginning are not ready to drop the rope and pretty much do the same things you are doing......I did.
I had the same advice from the same people, Sandi2 was one of the first to post to me (thank you Sandi :)) The very best thing you can do is turn away from your husband as if you are never going to return to him EVER again. These are tough words but they are truth....trust me....I am living it right now!!!!
If your H is moving out....great!!! you will get peace in your life....there is no possible way you can possibly detach from his nonsense while he is under the same roof as you. I kicked my wife out of the house (clothes flying out the front door, cops at my house, big ugly scene) but within hours after she was out...I had peace.
If he is involved in an active ongoing affair with anyone, I don't care who it is (could be a freaking monkey) he does not need to be under the same roof as you. This is the best thing that can happen in your sitch. May seem as a setback but your husband is on a journey and he can not complete it while he is in the house with you and the kids.
The other thing I am going to pound into your head is TIME....
TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME
MWD says this over and over in DR.......most people do not get this.....I did not.....this is going to take TIME.....a lot of TIME. The sooner you get your head around this fact the better.
Go ahead, scream, yell, cry and do whatever you have to do to get it out of your system.......this is not going to be over until at least 2012.......sorry....that is the way it is.
Here is some good news....need some right now?????
Whether or not you think you can hack the time or not your actions are going to be the same.........
That's right....your thinking.."Missherlove there is no effing way I can put up with this crap until 2012!!!!!!"
Well guess what????? if you tell me that then I am going to tell you the same thing as I would if you told me that your COULD hack it until 2012.........
Barb.....you are on a train and you can't get off...sorry. The actions are the same no matter what you decide, that is the beauty of this whole thing.
You know what.....your going to look back on this later in life and say to yourself...."This is the best worst thing that ever happened to me!!!"
I can honestly say that my W's affairs are the best thing that ever happened to me as an individual.
Go back and re-read what I wrote to you 3 weeks ago. What are you doing for you???? You are getting there, I can read it.....I am here to push you along........here is some advice....STOP LOOKING AT YOUR H.......he is lost and confused......think of him as Medusa....if you look at him again you are going to turn to STONE!!!!! That is not a bad analogy....hmmmm....looking at him is the same as standing still.
You can come here and vent about him but focusing on him in the least is a complete waste of your time and energy!!!!!!
Most Newcomers come here looking for what they can DO......I am going to tell you what to do........
Stop interacting with him....period.
He is involved in an affair......he is disrespecting you and your kids...he does not deserve to be in your presence!!!!
Unless you absolutely have to be in his presensce, avoid him at all costs.
I do not expect you to understand right now.....it takes TIME to get it. If you are around him it will take you more TIME to get this.
I know what DR says and it is all true but what it does not tell you is that the beginnig takes much longer than is stated. Weeks and Months of doing the same thing....you will not get through this if you are constantly in contact with him.
Your first steps are so simple and take so long that you do not even need to think about what comes next because it is so far off.
Okay, enough about that.........NOW.......what about you????
What are you doing for YOU??????
What makes Barb happy????
What made Barb happy before she met Barb's H???????
Who is Barb?????
Is Barb, Barb....or is Barb...the Wife of Barb's H?????
What define's Barb?????
Better yet....How does Barb define herself?
Barb......this is HARD stuff....turn from him.......
look in the mirror............Who are YOU?????
What do you want to be?????
How do you want others to describe you?????
Answer these quesions honestly and you will find your path.
It will become so clear that you will wonder why you did not see it before.
Again my post is getting long. I will try my best to come back here and check on you......I am in in the middle of my own sitch. I can only hope that others can benefit from my journey.
Merry Christmas!!!!
Cheers!!!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
