Need advice and support to keep hope

[Denver_2010]

Sandi - You posted a link to an article on 'detaching' on another thread a while back. I clicked it open but forgot to read it. Do you still have that link? The little that I did read looked like good information.

Sandi & JTB - thanks for defining what 'detaching' means for purposes of DBing. I am working on it. It is really difficult bc I can't get over how my WAW has just left with her step son, is spending all of her free time with OM, contacts me only very rarely, and seemingly has not been affected or saddened by what is happening with our M. Is this normal does it mean that she is done with trying in our marriage (as she has stated) and is over it? I just can't believe it! It is soooo out of character for her.

[zengypsy]

Hi Denver:

Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.

Dumped.....I'm with Jack on this one. My H filed for divorce and I still am holding out hope. People think I'm nuts but you have to go with what you feel is right for your situation. You can move on without giving up. I hope I am as lucky as Jack is.

Sometimes sadly, people have to go through the finality of divorce to have that true physical space to gain better clarity as to what they had.

[HRT]

Yes. She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago. I'm having a really difficult time detaching emotionally. It seems that if you do that, you also give up

I went through the samething Denver. Well, still going through it but Reading DR really helped me to look at things differently. At give me a LITTLE peace.

Sorry to see your wife is a WAS (like mine) I know how much it hurts, trust me. We also have no kids (together) and 1 dog.

Hope you are feeling better.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for checking in Zeng. I am hanging in there. It is up and down. I was a wreck last night, but better tonight. Having problem understanding how WAW has just left, having very little contact, and seems to be doing just fine. I don't see how someone goes from being in love, to just nothing. She used to be so upset and depressed when we'd have arguments or when I'd threaten to be done with R (prior to M). She just seems to be completely different person.

Having step son who is missing me makes this more difficult.

[DumpedforMIL]

My H filed for divorce and I still am holding out hope. People think I'm nuts but you have to go with what you feel is right for your situation. You can move on without giving up. I hope I am as lucky as Jack is.

i hate to say this but .. honey, hope is not a plan.

i don't know where your thread is and i don't know what you've done. but it is not the DB principle to hope. it's to take action.

Sometimes sadly, people have to go through the finality of divorce to have that true physical space to gain better clarity as to what they had.

is that what you are hoping for? that divorce is going to make him wake up to the reality of not having you around?

you can physically separate and use that time to make changes - do your 180s and GAL. it doesn't mean that a divorce has to happen before you do these things. you do them now.

i do wish you to be as lucky as J3B but i'm sure J3B did more than just hope. he took action.

[Denver_2010]

So I actually had some contact with my wife tonight!! First time in a few days which was just to ask me whether or not my daughter was coming into to town (she lives out of state). I have no idea if tonight's conversation was positive or negative... curious as to what the vets or others might think...

So she texts me to see if anyone would be at our house tomorrow so that she could pick up wrapping paper that she didn't take with her when she moves all of her stuff out. First, why would she text me for this when she can easily go to walmart and buy wrapping paper for $2?

Anyway, I told her that I would be home most of day and that my mom, who is visiting me, would be here too. I told her that I was going to drop some presents for my step son off at W's mom's house tomorrow and that I would just take the wrapping paper with me to drop off. Apparently that was not good enough for W bc she texts me that our house is still part her's and that she should be able to come by. I don't understand this attitude either?? I was being very cordial and giving her what she wanted! Anyway, I responded that the house is still "our's" but that it is my home, that she had chosen to move out. Anyhow, she reiterates that she would like to come by when no one is here, that she would appreciate the space to do so, and that "this isn't easy for me either". Again, I told her that I wasn't going to ask my mom to leave the house when I can easily take her stuff to her mom's. Again very cordial.

She responds by calling me a "selfish pr*ck" and that everything has to be my way. Also uses the "F u". Very angry. I respond by asking her why she is being rude, that I didn't text her, am not bothering her, and am giving her what she wants... her space. She responds by saying "fine" that she probably has wrapping paper anyway, tells me not to act "smug", that my "life change" hasn't made me perfect, and finally to have a Merry xmas.

I ask her how I am being smug and tell her that my changes are for me, not her, or anyone else. I tell her that I am sorry that she is so angry and that I am trying not to bother her. I send her another text telling her that my xmas won't be as merry as usual bc I miss step son, miss putting his santa presents out the night before, and miss seeing him wake up on xmas morning. She responds by stating "You hated all of that sh*t". I respond "are you serious, I most definately do not!, I was the one who insisted that we do santa for step son 7 yrs ago. That is my favorite part of xmas" I also tell her that I am dropping off 3 presents from 'santa' to step son at her mom's house tomorrow.

Her response is "change is good, but not facing the fact that i'm how i am towards you as a result of the last 7 yrs is naive." then she texts me that she has to get some rest bc she has a long recording session tomorrow (she is a singer with a few bands).

I respond by asking her if I CAN ask her about the recording session? She responds with brief text telling me what band it is, that we can talk later, that she doesn't feel like it now. I tell her that I would like to hear about it whenever she feels comfortable talking to me. She responds that she's "not ready to by [my] friend but I wish you well" (doesn't sound too good). I respond "well, I wish you well too."

At this time, I was having another text conversation with a friend. The friend tells me that she has seen Em's pic on FB and that she is beautiful. I responded to this by agreeing "yeah, she is beautiful" but accidentally sent it to W. W responds to it wanting to know who else I am texting, if if my g/f. I apologize telling W that I accidentally sent text to her. She replies, "I hope that she's worth it. I plan to file for divorce soon just so you know goodnight." THIS from a woman who is actively in EA but denying it!!!! So pissed off at this point, but I suppressed it.

I responded with the following: "Again, I am being civil.Why r u being rude. Even assuming that I am texting another woman, what boundary in our M am I crossing? If we have boundaries right now, I'd like to know. And regardless, I'm conducting myself like a married man, which I still am."

She responds: "We are finished. Just don't feed me your bs abaout making us work when u r obviously getting involved wiht other women. I'm not an idiot."

I respond: "Don't make assumptions W.I am keeping myself busy and spending time with friends. But I am conducting myself as a married man."

She responds: "well, you can file for D with me to save time. I'm free tomorrow, Friday, and m-Th next week... you are deceitful and I cannot trust you. We will never work again. That is reality. Your text doesn't sound like you are conducting yourself as married man. I don't care. Do what you want, just stop playing your game with me. I'm moving on with my life."

My response: "I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."

She didn't reply.

I know that I violated some DB LRT techniques, but I got caught up in the moment. My take is that W is still very confused. I know that she sounded very determined that we are done, and that certainly deflated me some. But there seemed to be some positives in the conversation. No??

thoughts? Did I do badly? Is my M done as W suggests?

[InAPickle]

"and seemingly has not been affected or saddened by what is happening with our M"

Denver, don't waste your time on this.
If she has any feelings toward you, they're probably guilt or "justifying hostility", like "he doesn't deserve me" or something like that. The WAS will conceal anything and everything like that.

I've been told, "don't believe any of what you hear (from them) and only half of what you see." That may sound like an exagerrated generalization, but there's plenty of truth in it. Can you really trust what you see her doing or what she says?

For your own sake man, move on to doing things you enjoy, even if it's just watching football or hanging out with friends. Spend your hours as far away from wondering what your W is doing or thinking as possible. Actually, it should be the other way round, where she's spending too much time wondering herself. Now that's not the object, but it may just a be a side effect of you enjoying your life.

I know it's hard early on. I still struggle with thinking about my sitch and all the drama involved. But if you work at it, littel be little, you can do it.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for the pep talk IAP. I appreciate it. I had a text conversation with W last night that has me in the dumps today. I tried posting about it after it occurred, but the posts haven't shown up. Who knows if they ever will. It takes forever for anything I write to come up on the board.

[sandi2]

Detaching does not have to mean you are giving up on your S, not if you are going to "lovingly" detach and not if your plan is to save your M.

Not sure which link I posted, but here is one.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[Denver_2010]

Detaching does not have to mean you are giving up on your S, not if you are going to "lovingly" detach and not if your plan is to save your M.

Not sure which link I posted, but here is one.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

That's it Sandi. Thank you.