Very fortunate to have spent three of the last four days with wonderful friends and family. Had a very good session today with IC. She listened to me and asked me "why do you continue to blame yourself for all of this?" Finally I think I had a breakthrough and was able to admit to these lifelong insecurities that caused me to be controlling, a perfectionist. I spent too many years putting my role as mother above my role as a wife. In the last several years when H's bombs started falling I realized these errors and have asked for forgiveness and took steps to change. H did not want to forgive - he just wanted out. He wanted out of the responsibility and accountability of being a father and a husband.
Another breakthrough - I have had such a hard time getting angry. Realized that I have definitely been getting angry - however I've turned all of the anger inward. I've been treating myself like crap - so, so hard on myself. I am ready to make a vow to be kinder to myself.
From IC - went to doctor. Just check up. All good, been on anti-anxiety meds since March. Very helpful. Am I depressed - probably - however more from environmental issues.
I will make it through this!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
