You're right, the "maybe" isn't too concrete either. I'm still mixed up in my head.
Mike unfriended (or is it defriended?) me on fb so I can't tell him anything. I don't believe I did anything to irritate him, but I think he was trying to move forward and didn't want DB reminders? Maybe it was an accident. Not too sure. I miss my bro, but I'd be nervous to hear from him now. I'm sure I'd get an ear full.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
After the discovery, I've wondered who my husband is. I thought he was special, had integrity and was honorable. I thought he was different. Now I don't know how he is. I know he has challenges in the communication department, but lots of people do. Even I do at times.
I saw the myth below and was wondering if my husband could be a decent person who got caught up with something that spiraled beyond his control.
Myth: The person who has an affair has no morals.
The Truth: More than 80% of marital partners who had an affair reported that they considered affairs wrong, and would never be the kind of person who would have an affair. They reported that they found themselves caught up in an emotional situation over which they then lost control. These days the beginnings of affairs may have more to do with sliding across boundaries than a calculated plan to deceive.
If that is the case, how do I go about repairing my image of him? I told him I may require us to go to marriage counseling, but I'm concerned about how to find a good one. I know Michele's book has a full chapter devoted to counseling do more harm than good, if memory serves correctly.
If you think it's foolish of me to even consider giving him a chance, please don't be afraid to express your opinions (Handsome Rat, et al.).
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I'm still suffering from the emotional reaction... I think I should wait a day or two more to express an opinion. My opinion right at the moment doesn't involve much DBing.
I understand. Today I feel so numb and certainly very ambivalent. I can't even remember what I wanted to post (gory details). I can't think of questions to ask my husband.
Maybe I'm still in shock.
Maybe the Xanax is still in my blood stream. I only took one and it was late yesterday afternoon, but I haven't been eating much.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I believe your choice reflects more of who YOU are.
Beyond your immediate circle family, friends; people you trust and respect, the only other person who's opinion should matter is the one looking back at you from a mirror.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack is right of course, in the end, only one opinion really counts. The others can give you things to think about, to consider. Perhaps keep you from being hasty, one way or the other. Help you get through the shock, so that whatever you decide to do, it's the right choice for you.
You are a beautiful, warm, loving lady who often strives to understand the motivation of others.
We have many similarities. I used to do the same because I see the best in people and have trouble imagining the worst.
For example, you're still holding onto the guilt of the Hawaii incident which was more a highly inappropriate reaction by your spouse. You carry the blame and guilt because of his guilt and deceit. And it was just a statement, probably offhand.. a question about children, right? Step aside and look at it with a different perspective. HE was in the wrong. You are sensitive and caring of another's needs. It's like my former spouse. Even though I kept asking him if something was wrong, he said it was all me. Everything was fine as far as he was concerned. Liar.
Consider seeing a marriage counselor. Tackling long term infidelity and working through the process takes a third party. If you had a broken bone would you fix it yourself or go to a doctor, a professional. All this has to be processed in time. Why not go to someone who has the tools to help you do it right? Seeing a third party will also increase the accountability of your spouse.
The mistress, lover, your former friend is angry because your spouse wants you over her. She feels rejected, angry and lied to (!) by your spouse her long term lover. Her reaction indicates that at least at times he's tried to pull away.. unsuccessfully. He lacked a true commitment to your marriage while he seems to love you. No way in hell would I have a meeting with her. Sheesh.. spew queen, liar and sloppy seconds to boot.
This may sound harsh but you are the one who needs to change if you do not want to be subjected to continual pain. I did, over time, with the help of my counselor. One word... boundaries. Learning to know and listen to my intuition, gut feel. Keep myself in a healthy place first which in turn leads to a healthy perspective. Like when my sixteen year old daughter lashes out because of anxiety or fear, I don't take the guilt. I'll try and talk but when it doesn't work I just stay quiet and watch the guilt bombs land nowhere near me.
You are not a victim. You have rights and expectations. You are worth it, all the rainbows and rescued kittens in the world.
He is a liar, cheat and capable of hurting you deeply. And let's not forget the potential joy of STD's.
If you want to make it work do it on your terms. Do it in an informed manner which leads to a healthy, not just good, place for you. It demands accountability on both sides. Him to repair the damage and learn what it takes to be a true life partner. You to feel your worth that you do expect and deserve the unerring love of the husband of your vows. And dang nab it.. that you're just one helluva a woman who deserves the best in life.
And about that job/business. It's toxic to your relationship with your spouse. I was afraid of finalizing the divorce. My brother and sister kept saying to get it over with so I could move forward. I was afraid of selling the house (my portion of the divorce settlement). The same siblings told me that only once it was gone would I be able to know what I could truly afford. I'm losing $130,000 of its worth in this economy and sold it under market value but I'm slowly feeling the relief of starting again with what works for me.
You are worth the effort. You are not a doormat. You do not need to excuse his behavior.
With my new perspective I wish I would have told my spouse to leave the house. I would have talked to a lawyer to find out my legal rights. To find out what the total monetary of cost of what your spouse has to lose and present it to him. Not what I would lose, what HE has to lose.
If he wanted to stay, he would. If he didn't, that's all the answer you need without going through your gut wrenching worry. He seems to respond to losing you, like when you moved out.
Take care of you, your mind, body and spirit. The rest will follow.
I believe your choice reflects more of who YOU are.
Beyond your immediate circle family, friends; people you trust and respect, the only other person who's opinion should matter is the one looking back at you from a mirror.
Exactly. Even your immediate circle will mostly or at least in the end take the lead from you.
And you will probably change your mind a few times and various people will jump on either side of that bandwagon, and may stick to it even when you change your mind. But you are the only one who will live with your decisions day in and day out.
It's funny because I'm not in your situation, but I think you write what you're going through well, because I can 'feel' a lot of emotion myself reading it.
If you are going to meet up with her, I wonder if you could ask this OW to ante up a portion of the therapy to heal your marriage, since she ante'd up her share to chip away at it.
I hope you are finding some joy with the Christmas season on us.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
