The question always arises as to what the WAS finds so attractive about the OW
Do you mean that nobody has answered you?
Okay,I'll say it. It has absolutely nothing to do about how attractive she may be. It has everything to do with how she is making him feel good. She is making him feel more like a man. She is feeding his ego. She is doing something that you stopped doing when you got too busy raising a family and dealing with life.
I can almost feel the flames over the computer! I know all the things you could say in response, but it still happened. Doesn't mean you failed as a W. Maybe you treated him like a King,but there is something this OW is doing that draws him to her. Count on it.
Now about gift giving. What does gift giving mean to you? If he is still in the house, will there be a time the family opens gifts together?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It wasn't that others hadn't answered me about this question in general. But specifically, OW is his ex-wife. She is begging for him back after leaving him 21 years ago for another man - unrequited love. All through our marriage, I knew he was not over her ( based on several google searches for her that I found earlier on and some things that he said). So ya - she is making him feel good. Telling him he wasn't the reason she left (whatever excuse she is using, I'm sure it's quite padded). She is feeding his ego. What was old is new again. How in the world can I compete with that?? Especially when he is convinced she has nothing to do with the current situation (rewriting our history, skewing timelines, spinning the story so he won't look like an a** for leaving me and the kids and going back to her).
Maybe I'm missing something - maybe the same laws of attraction apply here. But I really can't make myself more attractive to him in the way she is because it's all about their history together and his relief in hearing her say she wants him back and that it was all her fault.
Does this make any sense??
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
HI Barb, They always rewrite history - my H says he was never happy in our M when just a year ago he was telling me how glad he was that we didnot have any major problems, I see all our smiling, laughing pictures, we bought a timeshare last year because we were so sure that we were going to go on endless vacations together, then BAM! everything was a bad memory! Its all an excuse for their feelings, thats it. Think about it, we also use excuses for a lot of things!
I think there's really no way to compete with an OW, so the next ting to do is to look at what you have to offer and work on that. Like in my case, OW is 31 and I am 49. But I am the one with his daughter, while she does not have that. I am the one who could create a home that he would want to go home to.
What I did during the time he was in EA was to create a calm atmosphere at home, make sure it was always clean, make sure his clothes were always laundered, the sheets changed, the dog and daughter fed and happy.
Feed his ego in your own way - compliment him, his looks, any samll achievement. Thank him whenever you could. Tell him he is a good father (if he is). Think about things you have done before that made him feel down.
I listened to my H with an open mind and realized that I did direspect him in the past by not trusting him to make decisions about our family, by always adding my own slant to his decisions, or by arguing about them. I should have chosen my battles wisely then.
You cannot be like OW, be better than OW, in a different way, but work on what you see she does.
Hopefully, he will be sane enough one day to realize it.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Yes,it makes perfect sense. Sounds like he could never let go. I believe you will have to have to drop the rope on him and go on about your life as if he is no longer the center of it. It will take time for him to finally see that his XW is not the best option in his life. It will take a lot of spunk for you to let go with him under the same roof. Can you do that? Can you react to him as though he's a cousin staying there b/c he can't go anywhere else? Can you make a life for yourself?
It is not the competion with OW.....it is all about attitude. He's not attracted, or can't see you b/c he's blinded by his XW. The more you pursue him trying to win over the OW....the more he will turn away. Dropping the rope is the advice I give in this particular stitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi. He says he will be moving out after the first so perhaps I'll have an easier time letting go.
So. Question for you folks - H gave me a new cell phone for my b-day (recent). Because I have access to his credit card account, I saw he purchased two on the same day - ex wife uses the same cell phone company and this phone is only compatible with this company. I know he purchased one for her too. Do I just keep my mouth shut on this? It hurts me - pisses me off, etc. I have half a mind to call or text ex wife to let her know just how special we both are to him...
Help!
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
And no - there is no one else he would purchase a phone for...
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
nope. he already has one. it was in the form of a gift card - and only people who are eligible for upgrades from this company would get a gift card in that amount. as mentioned, ex wife uses the same company.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
the only other slight possibility is that the credit card company messed up and it was a duplicate charge. I won't know that until later.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
It is not the competion with OW.....it is all about attitude. He's not attracted, or can't see you b/c he's blinded by his XW. The more you pursue him trying to win over the OW....the more he will turn away. Dropping the rope is the advice I give in this particular stitch.
Calling his XW is competing with her. And it is not dropping the rope.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
