Kaboom

[tpc1977]

My wife told me to snoop. She also said that she will do what she can to help repair the damage.

But my problem is that I hate policing her. I almost feel like a jealous high school boy.

Still though, I have a very hard time believing her right now.

[girlfromipanema]

I did tell H that I expected him to let me know when she contacted him or if he contacted her and he agreed. He's been painfully (for me) honest with a lot of his answers, but I still don't know if I can expect him to volunteer whether or not they contact each other. Cell phone history can be erased. I suppose I could let him know that I wish to install the cell phone spy software I bought a few years back but never installed?

I forgot to mention that when H and I reconciled I told him I didn’t care if he and OW were friends, but I would demand proper boundaries be kept. In other words, I didn't want to be made to feel like a third wheel ever again and I would be paying attention to any signs that made me uncomfortable. I also told him I had absolutely no interest in being her friend because she showed me how little she valued my friendship. This is when I thought I was mistaken about an emotional affair having taken place and had zero idea that a full fledged sexual affair went on.

I realize I appear very naive and foolish. Lots of people advised me to snoop and confirm nothing was going on, but my true nature is to trust and put myself in another person's shoes. I don't think this is a weakness, but I acknowledge that being the person I am leaves me open to deception. I need to figure out a better way to be true to myself, yet not so naive.

If I don't decide to stay with H, I don't want to find myself in this position with a new relationship, but I like who I am.

I think one of the things that hurts the most is when I was in so much pain, my husband knew it was his causing and he didn’t care. I guess if I was in the midst of an exciting sexual affair, and was angry at my spouse the way he was angry with me due to the Hawaii incident, I would feel justified and uncaring.

These are the sort of thoughts that confuse me, because they make me seem weak, but I feel strong. Am I crazy? Or is it crazy how well balanced I am? ;-)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I forgot to mention that when H and I reconciled I told him I didn’t care if he and OW were friends, but I would demand proper boundaries be kept.

I HOPE that you're not going to do that again.

: )

Didn't seem to work out too well.

[girlfromipanema]

Not a chance!

He knows exactly how I feel now: She will be no part of his life if we decide to stay together.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom. How are you and your wife doing today? Do you have a current thread?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Happily married.

Girl,

What you need to feel secure is simply...what you need, do not be afraid to tell him what you need, you cannot afford to be afraid, it simply is; what you require of him to prove himself.

[girlfromipanema]

Jack,

You are so wise. I can't believe you and are I nearly the same age (based on your 1st thread). I'm so glad you and your wife worked it out. Your boys are lucky to have a complete family and you deserve to be happy. By the way, my b-day is Ground Hog's Day, too.

I promise I will tell him exactly what I need without feeling afraid to put demands on him. He knows I'm not sure if I want to(or can) work this out with him. I don't feel even a tiny bit bad about making demands and if he can't give me what I need, then he'll have to leave.

I moved out last time, but he knows he'll be the one to leave our home this time around. I'm not sacrificing anymore. I'm not giving 100% of myself anymore without having an honest relationship. He knows these things.

[girlfromipanema]

Per the text from OW above, she offered to meet me and tell me the "truth". I feel like I'm owed the complete truth in order to make the correct decision for my future.

I told my husband I was tempted to take her up on her offer and he asked how would I know she's telling the real truth and he isn't? But if we were all in a meeting together...

Would there ever be a valid reason to have a meeting between OW, H and myself?

Or maybe I already have the complete truth: my husband lied and cheated throughout the entire course of my marriage.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Uhh...

she offered to meet me and tell me the "truth".

HER truth. Which ummm, you almost have to ask yourself why? What motive does she have? Your best interest at heart?

I'll give you a moment to stop laughing at that idea.

The only truth you need right now is yours, and what your husband can prove to you.

She is very high strung, reactive and hot tempered and threatened him with exposing the affair to me and everyone we work with.

I doubt her truth is going to be designed to put you at ease, I'd suspect her truth is more to put you off, make you upset, and undermine your potential choice to rebuild your marriage.

A meeting between you, her and your husband?

Would you each get a gun and a flashlight? : )
And where would you do that TGI Fridays?

[girlfromipanema]

Or maybe I already have the complete truth: my husband lied and cheated throughout the entire course of my marriage.

Jackie Boy, I should have made it more clear that I figured out the answer to my asinine question.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The Or maybe put some doubt on it.

BTW, Tell Mike Jack said Hi please, and Merry Christmas.