Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

I did tell H that I expected him to let me know when she contacted him or if he contacted her and he agreed. He's been painfully (for me) honest with a lot of his answers, but I still don't know if I can expect him to volunteer whether or not they contact each other. Cell phone history can be erased. I suppose I could let him know that I wish to install the cell phone spy software I bought a few years back but never installed?

I forgot to mention that when H and I reconciled I told him I didn’t care if he and OW were friends, but I would demand proper boundaries be kept. In other words, I didn't want to be made to feel like a third wheel ever again and I would be paying attention to any signs that made me uncomfortable. I also told him I had absolutely no interest in being her friend because she showed me how little she valued my friendship. This is when I thought I was mistaken about an emotional affair having taken place and had zero idea that a full fledged sexual affair went on.

I realize I appear very naive and foolish. Lots of people advised me to snoop and confirm nothing was going on, but my true nature is to trust and put myself in another person's shoes. I don't think this is a weakness, but I acknowledge that being the person I am leaves me open to deception. I need to figure out a better way to be true to myself, yet not so naive.

If I don't decide to stay with H, I don't want to find myself in this position with a new relationship, but I like who I am.

I think one of the things that hurts the most is when I was in so much pain, my husband knew it was his causing and he didn’t care. I guess if I was in the midst of an exciting sexual affair, and was angry at my spouse the way he was angry with me due to the Hawaii incident, I would feel justified and uncaring.

These are the sort of thoughts that confuse me, because they make me seem weak, but I feel strong. Am I crazy? Or is it crazy how well balanced I am? ;-)