This is my first post and it’s a bit lengthy as I feel it’s important to paint a complete picture of my situation.
My spouse is a WAW. We remain married, live together and function daily as a couple, but long standing, unresolved issues continue to detract from our relationship; I consider most of these shortfalls to be mine. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. That being said, I’ve made some very poor decisions in my life that continue to haunt us both. I haven’t dealt with my problems in a constructive manner, which has raised a wall between my wife and I; I need help to get my relationship back on track.
My wife and I were married in our very early twenties and our son joined us a few months later. Like most couples starting out, we struggled financially, although I was employed fulltime in the Army; at that time the pay was pretty crappy. Six weeks after the birth of our son I was transferred and we ended up in a place far away from our families and from any form of support. I loved my job and spent a great deal of time away from home. While I was jumping out of airplanes, my wife was stuck in a run-down military house, having to deal with harsh winters and sweltering summers, while raising a child on her own.
My wife was an excellent mother. She always new what to do; she was calm, positive and made things look easy. She raised our son with all the love and care a child could ask for. I found out later that she often felt isolated and alone without her family and childhood friends. At the time, I was too self-absorbed to see her pain. This is where my “issues” really come to light.
Shortly after the birth of my son, my wife became pregnant and I began to feel overwhelmed. I was immature and couldn’t handle the stress. I ended up having an affair; bad decision. I continued this behaviour until I had convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be married and no longer wanted a family. As if the affair wasn’t bad enough, I told my wife to leave; she was pregnant and caring for a small child; no job, no family support and I basically discarded her. Now you can see what kind of a person I am.
My wife left and my infidelity continued as she gave birth on her own to a little girl. She had little choice but to give up her second child for adoption. My parents didn’t support her and either did her Mother; she was on her own. It was about this time that I started to realize that the life I thought I wanted was pretty much a load of crap. I somehow convinced my wife to return, but I never really apologized to her, nor did my mature emotionally.
That was approximately 22 years ago and I’ve continued to struggle with anger and self-esteem issues. Over the years, I’ve spent a great deal of energy whining about my sore back, etc, etc, etc. Despite having an excellent career, a great wife and an outstanding son, I failed to realize how lucky I was. In the past three years, my outbursts have increased in severity and occurrence. My wife has been patient and loving, until recently. She’s finally had enough and has indicated that she would rather live on her own than live with my negativity. Until now, I’ve procrastinated in the self-development department, although I have gone through anger management sessions and pain management for my back. I need help finding ways to communicate without anger, and how to get my wife to trust me again. My anger and my verbal outburst have led her to believe that I’m having an affair, which is not the case.
I desperately want to get my relationship and my life back on track. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi HerbGarden and welcome, as newbie myself i can't offer much advice but by reading through many of the posts here has helped me to understand how to help my marriage and i'm sure you will to. You are not alone in reading your posts i have seen some similarites as to how i am feeling right no except i am the wife, firstly i commend you for recognising and loving your wife enogh to want to change, with the shoe being on the other foot i would highly appreciate this and i'm sure your wife will too. You need to fix You, forgive You and heal You, i'm sorry if this sounds obvious but its something i have come to realise about myself especially as i held alot of anger towrds my H for his infidelities and then blamed myself for them i.e. not feeling good enough, attractive, confident etc... I also found taking the 5 love languages test a big help, it helped me realise what i see as being loving and on reading them have realised what my H is and have made improvments to work on filling his love tank :0)
Thank you for your comments and time; much appreciated. My wife continues to tell me to work on myself and to do the things I want to do; maybe I should start listening to her. Simply put, I feel guiltily for doing anything on my own, whether it's work related, or purely for relaxation. I think I have a martyr complex (wife's observation). I also wonder if the guilt I feel about giving up my daughter drives me to think of others before myself. I feel like a worm for putting my wife through the adoption, and I never dealt with the situation, except through avoidance and anger; not productive.
I screwed up again today by reacting emotionally to a situation, vice taking a moment to think before speaking. My wife made an observation about how I dealt with a potential client. I took her remarks the wrong way and reacted with my ego, vice with my brain; I am a slow learner. She was right, and I was wrong, so another lesson learned the hard way.
I understand that I alone am responsible for my actions and how I react to any given situation. I have read the Five Love Languages, and found them helpful, so thanks for that advice.
Maybe I could gain insight from understanding how it feels to live with an angry person. I know I give off negative energy, and I don't hide my emotions well because I show everything on my face.
I have a wonderful wife, a talented son and a great life. Why is anger such a prevalent factor in how I communicate?
If your wife will consider going with you, you should go to a Retrouvaille weekend. Go to the website, www.helpourmarriage.org and read up on the program and find the nearest weekend for you. Then ask her nicely if she will go with you before she moves out or divorces you. This is your best chance. They can help you. But both spouses have to be willing to go. Good luck! You owe your wife more than an apology.
I’ll be honest in saying that I really haven’t put a great deal of effort into this process. In order to keep my marriage together, that really does need to change. My wife often wakes up early in the morning, and I can tell that she wants to talk. I usually resist because I can feel her hostility towards me and frankly, the discussion usually ends poorly after my ego is bruised and I feel the need to berate her about some issue having occurred in the past. I’m looking for advice on how to communicate without anger and without my ego getting in the way.
I’ll be honest in saying that I really haven’t put a great deal of effort into this process. In order to keep my marriage together, that really does need to change. My wife often wakes up early in the morning, and I can tell that she wants to talk. I usually resist because I can feel her hostility towards me and frankly, the discussion usually ends poorly after my ego is bruised and I feel the need to berate her about some issue having occurred in the past. I’m looking for advice on how to communicate without anger and without my ego getting in the way.
Have you seen a therapist to work on your own problems first? I think that until you do all this DB stuff will be window dressing. You seem to recognize the problem, but then lack the initiative to do anything about it. Your marriage won't get back on track just by you wishing it will. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You have to put in the effort. Unlike many people here, it appears you have a spouse that is willing to work on things and willing to give to you. That is golden my friend.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
