Well, it's been 11 weeks since my husband left me. We've been married for 12 years. I decided to post here for the advice, support and as a place to come where people have been there, can look at things from an outside perspective and where I won't be judged too harshly as I chronicle my path.
I read DB and am in the middle of DR.
The story goes...
My H has wanted me to lose weight since a few months into our marriage. We were 20 when we got married and I have never been a very small girl. Based on his needs, I decided to start dieting. This began a vicious cycle. Him acting angry, cold and distant - Me vowing to lose weight - Me going on a diet - Me failing at the diet - Me regaining whatever I lost + 5 pounds - Him acting angry, cold and distant...rinse and repeat.
I've been beating myself up about my weight for the past 11 years, going through different cycles of feeling ugly, feeling helpless, feeling like a failure, or feeling out of control. Every time my H has pulled away, the end result was a talk about my weight. I tried valiantly to lose, but I've never approached it sensibly without this anvil of judgment perched over my head and this sense of panic in my heart. For an emotional eater, this is just not the way to start a successful change in a lifetime of habits. All along the way, he has said that he felt that I betrayed him, tricked him into marriage and disrespected him because of my weight.
After 10 years of this back and forth struggle, he committed adultery and began an EA/PA with someone he met at work. This lasted for eight months before I found out. When I found out, after some foggy behavior, he ended things and went NC. But the caveat was, of course, that he wanted me to lose weight because physical attraction is the most important things for him.
So, I went on another diet, wholeheartedly and without hesitation. This time, I was successful at losing 25 pounds and keeping it off. But, I still have plenty to lose, he got frustrated with my stagnancy and I saw that he had been searching for apartments online and asked him if he was thinking of leaving me. He answered yes...and he left.
I should preface all of this with a few things:
1.) The OW was fat. 2.) My H and I have a great relationship/friendship. We get along really well. We laugh and joke and flirt and tease. We have always loved each other tremendously. So much so, that many times I would feel sucker-punched by his sudden withdrawal or mean/cold behavior.
On the day that he left, we both cried buckets of tears and waffled around before he actually packed some things up and left. We talked and talked and it all came down to my weight. He was just unable to live with me and be committed to me any longer. He said that after the devastation of the affair, he did not want to put me through anything like that again. And he wanted to be free.
After he left, he was done with me. He didn't call, didn't text, didn't pick up the phone when I called and avoided me at all costs. I spent two days in agony, crying and mourning the loss of my marriage before a fog of my own began to lift. I looked in the mirror and I no longer saw myself under this cloud of judgment. I began to feel that I am an attractive person. I am successful in my career, financially and emotionally secure, tremendously loving and charming. I called up my friends and started to really have lots of "girl-time". They all stepped up to the plate and my social calendar exploded. No one seemed to want me to spend a night alone unless I really wanted it.
Later than never, I began to 180. I decided that my life would simply have to go on without my H in it...and I decided that it would be a good life, too. Coming to terms with this notion was a huge step for me. I have fought tooth and nail for my marriage and never given a thought to ending it or leaving it or throwing in the towel.
I have always had a life of my own because my H withdrew into his own shell and I am far too social and loving to be in a cocoon. So, I just amped up my "me" time. I stopped calling my H and texting him. Two weeks after he left me, I was going to plays, hockey games, movies, out to dinner, etc. I took off my ring. I bought a new pair of winter boots (sexy!) and a few colorful scarves and just decided to be me and be happy - fat or thin.
The moment that male friends began to realize that H and I were separated, the date offers started. I work in a highly visual job and I've always had male attention, but I barely even noticed it. Two and half weeks after my H left, in one day, four men asked me out. Well, I began to realize, when all is said and done, there might be new love for me in my future. I opened myself up to that possibility, even if it would be a year or more into the future.
One day, out of the blue, my H called. He had been gone for 3 weeks, with a sporadic text checking up on me here and there. He was friendly and interested and wanted to talk. I decided early into the separation, that I could not hate my H. I have loved him since I was 18 and we've grown up together. Whatever his faults, we had 12 years together and I would not be his enemy. I felt that I would have to work through my feelings for him and at some point in the future, we might even be able to be friends.
We talked. The next day he called again. We talked. Then, he wanted me to meet him for dinner to talk. I did. We began to talk about what went wrong (the first time he was willing to really engage in the discussion). At this point, I had moved into a different place emotionally. I just felt that things were the way that they were and we should hold no ill will towards each other. I told him that it wasn't his fault and that we just weren't good together. I told him that I understood and I really wanted someone in my life who could love me and want me, regardless of my weight.
He began to insist that we were good together, that if he met me today, he would want to take me out, that he finds me sexy, attractive and beautiful. He said that he's got some issues of his own that he needs to work on (for the 1st time in 11 years!) And he asked me to give him time. Boy, was I reluctant. I told him that he was putting me through the ringer and that I wasn't sure of anything any more. I told him that he would not come home. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him about "us' anymore, that it was just too emotionally draining right now.
But, we began to date. It's been seven weeks and we've gone out more than we did in the previous 7 years. Movies, dinners, comedy shows, plays...all the things he never wanted to do before, he's game. If I'm playing cards with friends, he hops on board. And we talk. Well, he talks.
He has told me more about his issues and everything than he did in years. He tells me about his most fanciful dreams, about his insecurities and his fears. He even told me that when he left me, he thought that he would go on a wild orgy and pick up lots of girls and have a good old time, but since the day he left, all those urges have gone. He told me that he had the opportunity to be with another woman, but he had no desire. He's been very open. I just listen and don't judge or give advice. I tell him that I understand and let him know that he's completely free to choose whatever he wants out of life and that he does not have to choose me and that's okay. I continue to tell him that the man in my life has to want to be there.
And our sex life - woo boy. Now, we never really had much stagnancy in that area, but it's heated up even more. He calls several times a day, texts constantly (hundreds of texts), and flirts and teases all the time. It's been lovely.
And he even agreed to do the two things he would Never. Do, no matter how much I asked.
1.) Go for walks with me and 2.) Come down to my job and take me to lunch!
I have slowly come around to the idea of continuing to fight for us. Now, I feel like I could actually give myself 100% back into the fight to save my marriage.
He has not brought up coming home and neither have I. I am enjoying living on my own, making the most of a bad situation. Neither of us ever lived alone prior to marriage and - like I said - we were very young when we tied the knot. I am enjoying the emotional resiliency I am building and learning to take care of things myself. It makes me feel strong. I like shifting the focus back to me and what I really want. I have even started regularly exercising and making some healthier options at home without any pressure. I feel good.
My family wants my H out of my life. They feel like I am the cream of the crop, an awesome catch and worthy of a better spouse. They want me to cut him off. Most of my friends have been understanding and have gone through enough in their own relationships to know that things can get dicey...a few feel that he is cruel and unworthy. Everyone has an opinion on what I should do next, boundaries that should be set, counseling that needs to take place, etc., etc. I am unsure of much. I just dusted off my DB and DR books and am re-reading everything.
I love my H. I want my marriage to be saved. I also want it to be better and I'm still unsure of where things will end up. Some days, I am super happy or content. Others, I am angry or saddened by everything. I'm hopeful that I can get some advice and encouragement here where divorce is not the ready answer on the tip of everyone's tongues.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Congratulations on turning things around and being happy! Don't let anyone talk you out of it! It's hard because your family and friends went through the ringer with you, and they want you to be happy and stay happy.
So in your mind, what needs to continue? What do you want MORE of in your relationship?
That girl, I find your story inspiring. My wife walked out on me 10 weeks ago and I was a wreck. But I bought DR and read it. I don't how much it helped my marriage, but it did help me. I went from crying constantly in the fetal position to the gym. I have put on seven pounds in six weeks and all of it is muscle. I feel better about myself. I have tried my best to stay active and healthy. It has done wonders for my soul and my mind. So, I congratulate you on your efforts.
I too am trying to conduct my own 180, but I don't know if my wife really cares. But, I will continue to try. She did recently lift the "communications restrictions" she had put in place when she left. Originally I was not allowed to contact her in any way. She told me that if I didn't give her some space, she would resent me and we would never find common ground. I complied. Now, she states I can contact her should I chose. I don't know if she is starting to miss me or if she wants to set me up for divorce papers. To keep up the 180, I have not taken her up on her offer. I am purposely letting her sweat to see what will happen. It is killing me, but I know from DR that I cannot seem anxious or to eager to communicate. I will continue to work on myself and hope.
As for what you should do about your marriage, I say fight for what you want. I want my wife back and I do believe I can have her back and be happy. I realize that I am not any where near that right now, but I will continue to try. My counselor and a couple of my friends have pushed me to file to "take control" of the situation. But that is not what I want. I don't want control, I want to be married to my wife. I love her and we were also good together. For years, we were best friends and great lovers. We just got lost along the way and grew apart. But I do believe we can be saved. I know the mental abuse can be tough. I too probably did that a bit too much at times to my own wife. Men can be *ssholes sometimes because we are so insecure. But I am learning. Keep up the good work. If you want to be happy and spend your life with him, then do it. I would kill to be able to go on a date with my wife right now. There are those out here that are not as lucky as you are right now. Take advantage of it. Stay true to the 180 and you will do fine. Keep up the good work on yourself and keep pushing. I wish you all the luck in the world. Happy Holidays!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
dbmod - thanks so much for the reply. Yes, it helps so much to feel as you are not coming from a place of desperation and that is the very first thing that DB gives you. It gives you your sanity back, if you'll accept it. In my mind, what needs to continue is that we need to continue to have good times together. We also need to move forward in determining how to cope together in those stagnant times when everything seems rote and mundane. I think that once my H learns how to understand that life won't always be exciting, we'll be on firmer ground. I guess what I really need to see right now is these changes sustained for a period of tim...although, I have no idea what that timeframe actually is. I am trying not to dwell too much on my friend's and family's feelings. I try to be as open with them as I can be - and to let them know that I'm doing my best.
Fell - I'm glad that you find my story inspiring. I know that I'm really lucky to be able to date my H, for there to be so much constant and positive communication. In a lot of ways, I feel like I lost my H and gained a boyfriend - which isn't entirely a bad thing. Now, how to get to the point where I have both the husband and the boyfriend wrapped in one?
I think that you are so right not to file, especially as an action to "take control". I have determined for myself that I will only file when/if I want to be divorced and for no other reason, not to save my pride, not to feel better, not to make him feel worse...only to end the marriage, if that's what it comes to (I hope and pray not!)
It's also really important to recognize the changes that you could make to create a more positive relationship. For me, the main change that has been the catalyst for my current status is when I let go of my H, really and truly. I just had to talk to myself and really imprint in my head the knowledge that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me and that anything less is unacceptable. Once I came to that point, it was a lot easier to approach my H more practically, without a whole lot of emotion and very simplistically.
I just said to him, "It's okay if you don't want to be with me. It [censored] but it's okay...and I really want to be with someone who wants to be with me, it's what I deserve." And the things is - I meant it. As much as I want my marriage to work, I won't go back into a situation where I am not wanted, no matter the consequences.
The most important relationship I have, is the one with myself...and not even my H can come between me and me If that makes any sense?
Here's to Happy Holidays all around.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
My oh my, how I wish more people had your sass. I find it very refreshing!
Honey, your H has the weight problem. KWIM? We can't change our weight, health, personality, or much of anything else for anyone but ourselves...or it's like trying to change our shoe size, sooner or later those shoes are coming off!
I knew a lady who weighed 300lbs and was sexy. I never saw her in anything but a nice dress, so what I am referring to as "sexy" was her wonderful, full-of-life personality that just drew people to her.
It's all about attitude,sweetie, and sounds like you've got it. Way to go!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 - a little sass goes a long way...or so my moma told me! Yes, I think sexiness and beauty defy all of the standards, especially when it comes to attitude.
jack - the conflicting messages I have received from H about my weight over the year are staggering. For instance, I asked him to walk with me to encourage physical activity - no dice. I asked him to try to eat healthier at home, he would bring fast food home - including some for me when I hadn't asked. I would tell him I was avoiding the cookies at a meal and his response, "One cookie won't make you fat." Then, he cheated with a girl who is fat! So...yeah.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
We went to a hockey game last night and had a really good time. he'd had two beers to drink, so I was the designated driver and when I asked him if he wanted me to drop him off at his place, he was silent. I really didn't know what he wanted and one of the things I am no longer doing is letting things get heavy. So, I said..."We're on the freeway, speak within the next two exits or you're mine for the night." He didn't say anything. So, I took him home with me. We split a bottle of wine and watched stand-up specials on Netflix and then went to bed.
In the middle of the night, I woke up and he was sitting on the edge of the bed, quiet as a mouse, just looking at me. I asked him if he was okay. He said that he was and I gave him a quick touch and rolled over and went back to bed.
He woke up with a headache and was pretty grumpy. I had to work at noon, so I did my normal morning ritual and he tagged along - just as grumpy as could be. Then, I dropped him off and told him, "Thanks for hanging out with me."
He said, "I'm sorry I've been so grumpy." This a rare and magical thing. His apologies have always been few and far between. I liked the fact that he recognized that his behavior warranted an apology and that he was willing to acknowledge it without me saying a word.
I told him that I understand and hoped he feels better. I gave him some extra-strength pills that I had in my purse and he gave me a long, feely kiss, told me he'd text me and off he went.
I had a lot of mixed emotions over the course of the night. I loved watching the hockey game with him and laughing at comedy. I also feel this gaping hole in that place of security that used to come from being fully and openly committed to one another. Not from feelings of affection or love because those are still intact, it's that feeling of security that's missing. I'd love to have that feeling back, but it's just not there. I wonder if it ever will be?
Maybe I'll have to re-envision security, redefine it? Security can come from the knowledge that I am strong, that I am capable of living a good life all by myself, that I get to keep the best company in the world for the rest of my life - my own! Regardless of who shows up to love me and be part of my life, I will always have me - and that's a pretty good guarantee. I need to remember that.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Well, the holidays were an interesting thing. H came over on Friday and didn't leave until I left for work this morning. We had a really good weekend with his family. They don't know that we are separated - and I am leaving it up to him to tell them, it's his family and his truth to tell. He keeps coming up with excuses not to tell and I know that once he does reveal the truth to his mom, she's going to call me and want every detail. She always takes my side
I thought that it would feel awkward and wrong having them here without them knowing the truth - but it felt the exact opposite. I felt a few pangs of sadness that things aren't right between us, but I also felt very good about creating a positive and happy memory, which could possibly be our last holiday together. I'm not sure.
We went to church together on Sunday. I may not have mentioned it, but for one seven-year stretch in our marriage, my husband was an assistant pastor. Right up until I found out about his 8-month affair. That's when he took a "sabbatical". Anyway, he's been really confused about his faith since then. We've switched churches but haven't stopped attending and he's said several times that he's going to "get things right" in his relationship with God. I try not to comment too much on it because I don't fully understand it and I don't really think it's possible for me to fully understand it. I have enough to deal with in my own relationship with God.
I bring that up to say that he talked a bit about how he's feeling about God and how frustrated he is with waiting. I asked him what he was waiting for, but he couldn't really express it in words - at least not in ones I could understand. So, I just listened and told him that I understand how faith issues can be a struggle.
One of the things I have done, a 180, is to stop reaching out to him for affection, to stop initiating touching him/kissing him/reaching out for his hand, etc. I was always the one who initiated any kind of affectionate touches and I've stopped doing that. I will respond when he touches me and be affectionate back to him. I thought for sure that we just wouldn't have much affection between us if I didn't initiate it. I was wrong. He does the reaching out now. He even wants to hold my hand or for me to hold his arm when we're walking into a store or in public. It's so odd...
And at church on Sunday, he put his arm around me. Then, when I thought that he would be heading back to his place, he asked me to go to the store with him. I agreed and put on the sweater and boots he'd bought me for Christmas. He talked about how cute I looked and off we went. I was sure that when we got back, he'd go to his place, but he stuck around, fixed dinner and when I went to bed, he went with me.
In the middle of the night, he even reached for me and we cuddled. This morning, we got up, ate breakfast and then went to our cars - me, off to work and him to his place. He gave me a big kiss and off I went.
I'm not sure where we are and when I think about it, I push the thought aside. I'm not ready to question things. I am just at the point of creating positive experiences between us. Maybe the stage of making decisions or talking about things will come later?
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I am very happy for you that things are going well. It inspires me to hear such things. I wish so badly that I could be with my wife. I am still executing the 180, still going to the gym, still doing all my favorite things, but the holidays were horrible. My younger brother just got engaged. He and he fiance are so happy. They were all over each other at our family gathering. My younger sister has a 7 month old daughter and her and her husband were also there. Everyone was with someone except for me. This is the first time in 15 years my wife was not with us at our Christmas Eve gathering. At some point, I went into the bathroom and cried. I am 39 years old and crying like a little girl in the bathroom. It was awful. On Christmas night, I was alone driving home from another family gathering and I lost it again in the car. I would do just about anything to touch her right now. To just feel her skin again or lay in bed with her. I just want the holidays to be over.
She spent the holidays with her mother and father and they went to visit her sister and husband in another city. As a gesture of kindness, I bought her entire family gifts, wrapped them and sealed them in a box. I met her father for lunch one day last week and gave him the box with instructions to not open it until Christmas morning. Out of the blue on Christmas morning, I got a thank you text from her family members and one from my wife. I played it cool and didn't respond for two hours. She immediately responded back to my response. One of the gifts was for my wife's niece who is 2 1/2. The little one loved the gift and, much to the disappointment of her parents who had bought numerous gifts, refused to play with any other gifts the entire day but mine. My wife took pictures and videos of her playing with my gift and sent them to me with a thank you that seemed very sincere. I know that I did this in an attempt to win some points and that was probably wrong, but it did go over well. Since then, she has made no attempt at contact.
I think my problem right now is that I have not reached your point. I am still defining myself through my marriage. Without her, I still feel lost and incomplete. I will work on trying to be happy about who I am as an independent person. Maybe that will help. I still have a very long way to go...
Please keep up the good work and please keep us posted. I can only hope to be where you are some day...
fell
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
