Running out of time

[AntoniaB]

Let me offer you a different perspective on some things. As bad as it is to have to confront the divorce, and it looks like it may very well happen, isn't it almost worse to be up in the air? If he filed 2 years ago, you've been up in the air for a LONG time. Essentially you've been in this place of confusion because he put you there with HIS confusion. Every day you wake up and you just don't know what's coming. You think you know, you try to work to DB or prevent the divorce, but you just don't know. Anyone can say to you "relax in the not knowing" and "just sit back and let it happen" and yes, this is the best thing you can do, but doing it is incredibly tough because you care so much about fixing the marriage.

Well if things are coming to an end point of sorts--the divorce is finally going to play out, I honestly think you'll find some peace in that. It sounds strange, but at least it stops the wondering about WHAT will happen. It happens, you deal with it.

I guess I'm only saying this because I've been feeling for me like there is this snowball rolling and rolling and it's a snowball full of "not knowing" and once I hit acceptance of "yes, I'm going to be divorced and I am ok with that", I don't know, I felt like a weight lifted for me. It's not "the end." I still have a life. Who knows what will happen? Maybe my H will finally confront himself now that I'm entirely detached, maybe he won't. Maybe I'll find someone who will treat me with respect and not betray me. Maybe I'll just be here for friends and family now and maybe that's my "place" in the world. But at least that snowball stopped getting bigger and bigger.

I guess what I'm saying to you is I hear the urgency in your posts. I know it all too well. I know you think it's all falling apart. But it's not. In what you think is an end game are the seeds of your new life sprouting. You can't see them yet but they are there. You are posting here, you're connected to us and to your loved ones. You are surviving day to day. If you have to cry, then cry. Everyone understands. Don't say "I know I should be really detached and doing as well as all of you are", geez, we all fluctuate day to day. You are going to be detached when you are.

But understand that there is an enormous amount of your energy bound up in worry right now and no matter how much you worry, you can't change it all, and when it plays out as it's going to, and no one "knows" how it will play out, you're probably going to feel a little better because you'll know what the outcome is and you'll mobilize your strengths to deal with it.