WAW dropped the bomb three month's ago (I discovered OM). Spent the first month doing all the wrong things (WAW moved out). I Found this site, read the books and have been DBing for past two months. WAW has been in pursuit for the last month, but still seeing OM. As of last week, I've taken the advice of members and started using the LRT.
WAW has been looking for any excuse to call, email, text, or come by the house. I've asked her to stop contacting me; it's too painful; I can't be her friend while she continues to have an affair with an OM. I haven't been answering her calls and haven't been home when she visits the house. I've given her no reason to contact me.
Yesterday, I was making some purchases at our local hardware store when she got in line behind me. She wanted to catch up on my life; she asked a lot of questions. I tried to keep my answers vague, but pleasant. She asked about my first appointment with IC, I told her that it was his opinion that I was accepting too much blame for the problems in our marriage and that he agreed with my need to detach from our unhealthy relationship.
She wanted to get some things from the house (rolling pin, bean masher and some protein powder). This seemed like an excuse to spend more time with me and it took over an hour, during which time she gave me some Christmas presents. She kept offering to help me with this or that, so I made it clear that I didn't need her help with anything; that I was fine on my own and preferred it that way.
She attempted to call me later, last night, so I unplugged the phone and went back to sleep.
Under these conditions, the LRT is a difficult thing to accomplish. I feel like a failure. I can't even go dark without screwing things up.
Sounds like she's trying to assuage her guilty feelings. Keep doing what you're doing. The more you back away the more she'll pursue. That could adversly affect R with OM, you never know. You know her best; trust your instincts/intuition. Come to the board for "opinions". But sift through them and use only what you feel comfortible with.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
It sounds like you're doing fine, Sinclair. It is better if there is no contact at all only because each interaction allows her to get a little 'fix' of you and can draw the situation out longer.
I don't think you can blame yourself when she stalks you at the hardware store though lol. The fact she is curious about you and asking questions is really good. This is what you want. I thought you handled a tough situation well. You didn't show her anger and you found a great way to communicate an important message from your counsellor.
I would absolutely love for my wife to be doing what your's is right now Sinclair. My wife moved out 3 weeks ago and there is an EA with OM. We have little to no contact. Good luck man. Hang in there!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Don't mean to hijack SIC's thread, but I am wondering if Sandi, Trugritter, Bond, and/or Sad But Happy would mind taking a look at my thread? You all seem to give really good advice and support... both of which I could really use right now. The thread is "Need advice and support to keep hope" Thanks.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I know what you mean about ignoring the phone calls, it seems impolite not to answer. Try to remember you explained yourself and in fact she is being rude by ignoring your stated wishes.
She is testing you to see if you are still on the line. Sadly, it's only when she thinks you are not that things might change.
Reading your updates reminds me of a time this past summer when my WW, while stretched out on a beach chair, explained to me she felt as though 'the law of attraction' was making everything happen for her through the power of her intention. That was her description of what it felt like to be gorging on cake and having it too. The whole time I sat and listened, stunned she couldn't see I was responsible for serving the cake not the 'universe'.
That's how deluded it can get. You are in the process of defogging her right now. Keep up the good work.
I would absolutely love for my wife to be doing what your's is right now Sinclair.
What you must understand, Denver, is that I am not the same man she left. I have changed and she knows it. When you become the man you want to be, your WAW will not be the only one who treats you differently. Your life will change for the better.
For me this crises has been a personal challenge; it has also been an opportunity. No matter what happens, I will ultimately benefit from this experience.
What you must understand, Denver, is that I am not the same man she left. I have changed and she knows it. When you become the man you want to be, your WAW will not be the only one who treats you differently. Your life will change for the better.
For me this crises has been a personal challenge; it has also been an opportunity. No matter what happens, I will ultimately benefit from this experience.
I have tried to look at this crisis as a personal challenge as well, but not doing so well so far. I am still struggling with the idea of what might occur if W's EA turns into PA. I am still have mini mental breakdowns multiple times per day and am physically sick to my stomach about what is happening. It seems like a bad dream. I probably am not far enough along here. I hope that I do as well as you are now.
Do you know if you will be able to forgive your wife at any point? Will you take her back? I feel like there may be a point for me that I may not be able to ever forgive her for the pain that she is causing me right now. At the same time, I feel A LOT of guilt for my behavior and driving her to do this in many ways. I'm beating myself up pretty badly.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
For me this crises has been a personal challenge; it has also been an opportunity. No matter what happens, I will ultimately benefit from this experience.
That is the attitude that one must have to survive these types of crises. Keep that as your main focus.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
