Thank you guys for the responses. I have been away. We had a traumatic experience the last few weeks.
We lost a very close friend a week and a half ago. He and his wife and the two of us were a 4some for years. I had to call to tell him that our friend had passed and couldn't find him. When I finally did, he was in Mexico. I'm sure he wasn't alone but I could not physically or emotionally deal with more.
He came home and stayed with me for the week while we helped our friend plan her husbands funeral. He was very kind to me. We slept next to each other on the floor and when I would wake up crying he would roll over and comfort me. Very often he kissed me on the lips when we would say goodbye or one of us needed a hug. He referred to me as his wife in the eulogy. The two of us were with her pretty constantly and did everything we could which meant putting aside all the bad and focus on just getting each other through it along with our friend.
It was sad to see the man I knew for 10 years show up again but know that I would have to say goodbye to him again and not know who I would meet on the other side. I tried to keep my heart at a distance but it was a very sad and emotional time.
He took me to the airport at 5am to go visit my family for the holidays. He told me he loved me numerous times which I already knew.
He told me that if I was asked to visit his family over the holidays that I should and could go without him feeling weird (he isn't going to be there) and that he wouldn't deny anyone a moment of my time since I am special.
All of this points to the fact that he loves me but he just doesn't want to be married. It's a sad fact. He told me that he knows he will never find anyone that can live up to me and has said that I am his best friend.
It's so confusing. I'm moving out after the new year and starting a job that will probably give me a lifestyle that he won't even be able to afford at this point.
I don't know what to think or do at this point. I hoping to get the book tomorrow. It's been a sad time and I haven't been able to focus on pulling myself together.
