So I talked with my W today about Christmas. She has given her computer to the kids and she thanked me for helping her to save face with the kids.
She said it means more to her then she can ever express to me, that i was willing to let the kids think she helped contribute to their christmas presents, and that I am picking her up Christmas morning so she can be there when the kids open up their presents.
I told her she was welcome and that it was the best present I could give to the kids.
Now here is a curve ball. The friends that have been running her back and forth to see the kids had me over for coffee. It seems that my W has been tallking to them about her and my situation.
She tells them that she is trying to find a job, but with out her license or car she is limited to where she can look. She is thinking of going back to school. She has no living expense with OM as his house was left to him from his grandparents, and he is such a bachelor, he brings home take out for dinner everynight. He doesnt ever give her any money, (not that i blame him) but he shares his smokes with her etc.
She has admitted she doesnt love him, she has feelings for him but thats it. She knows the relationship is doomed and going nowhere. He has no expectations of her, and she can stay at his home as long as she needs. He wont kick her out on the street.
She told her friend she loves me still, she likes to see the old me around so much these days. Her friend has known her all her life, looked at her and asked her what she was doing. To which my W replied, she doesnt know, she is confused and she misses her family. It kills her everyday to not see her kids.
Her friend told her that everyday that goes by her children grow further away from her etc. This is where i was floored. My W told her friend that she wants to have our family back together. But that she sees I am moving on with my life and she knows she has lost me. I wont take her back! She thinks I only do things for her so that the kids dont realize just what is going on. That i wouldnt take her back in a million years.
So what do I do now? Do I have a talk with her, keep it simple and just to tell her I would still like my family whole again?
I'd acknowledge the hurt she's caused so she knows I'm being honest. I'd expect her to be afraid of superficial forgiveness and afraid I would punish her in little ways forever. I'd be honest with her and then lay out my plan for healing our relationship and putting the family back together.
I'd explain to her exactly what she needs to do to make amends and what I was prepared to do and how I was prepaerd to work with her.
In my view a letter gives her something to read and re-read and gives her a map to follow if she really wants to come home.
If you thought it was something you might want to do, I'm sure some of us would be willing to give you some ideas as you developed it.
Well ED, I though about a note, but it just didnt seem like the right thing to do. So I asked her to lunch. She accepted and a quick lunch went from 1hr to 4 hours.
We talked about her job hunting, her plan for the next month or so, her going back to school and what she wanted in life.
She is so confused, she knows she doesnt want her life like it is. but she hasnt really done anything to improve it including put alot of effort into finding a job.
She doesnt have a plan for the next little while, she doesnt know what to do. She asked me what i wanted. so this is my reponse to her.
"I want you home and our family back together. Here are my reasons for that decision. Its whats best for our children. Its whats best for our family, Its whats best financially, and its what I feel is best for me."
Having just saying that, i used the last last resort method. I said.
"after we get through Christmas, i will not be offering my services to drive her to and from my house for her visits. I would allow her to have her visits at the house until she was situated but i wouldnt provide meals or transportation. I can not help her financially or pay for her and the kids food when she is staying at her friends place."
I was crystal clear that As long as she had a relationship with the OM and lived under his roof, I could not make myself available to her.
So i guess i laid it all out for her. Was this the right or wrong thing to do? I dont know, but something told me I had to do it. Now the tough part will be sticking to it.
It was definitely the right thing to do. No doubt.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Like you, the longer I'm in this, the more I have come to realize that our WAW really don't know what they want. They are confused and have no plan. In some ways, knowing this helps; it seems less personal.
However, as long as your wife knows that you will be waiting; that she can always have you as her second option; she will never put you first. She needs to understand that you come first and you will not accept anything less.
This is the message that I am trying to communicate to my WAW, but it isn't easy since I'm using the LRT and she is having an affair.
I don't understand the fog they are living in. It seems perfectly clear to me that we could bring each other so much happiness, if we just gave it a chance.
Well i believe she understands that she cannot come to me for help. I will not make her life easier, give her financial aid or emotional support as long as she is living with her affair partner.
What i dont get is that she tells her friends she wants to be home with her family, with me and the kids. She doesnt say that to me though. She says she doesnt know what she wants. If after 9 months of alienation from her family, spending all her time with OM, living together, his friend group etc. saying she loves things about him but she not in love with him, how can she not know what she wants? its enough to make me pull my hair out.
I will say that I sent him a message the other day as well. There is some things I need to say to him. He is a recovering crack addict, who smokes pot all day and drinks like a fish. oh and did I mention he is sleeping with my wife.
I have to say some things to him and get them off my chest. Not going to fight, but i have to look him in the eyes. I have to do this for me. I know people say its not a good idea, but after 9 months, that coward needs to hear what i have to say.
I told my w that i was contacting OM and she seemed very upset by it. She wanted to know why and I told her it was between him and me. I told her there would be no violence and i would say what i needed to say and leave. She didnt seel to like this too much.
So its time to prepare for a new year, another new chapter in my life. I need to get past the things that keep bringing me down and put them behind me.
So tonight is a tradition of my w and Mil sitting around and wrapping all the presents. They have always left it to the last minute. So this year it was going to be my MIL and me doing it. Well we invited my W to participate and she changed her plans.
We drove into town and picked her up and we all had fun wrapping all those presents. I drove her home, we had lite conversation about the how excited the kids will be in the morning. The plan is for me to pick her back up at 7am when i pick up her grandma.
So it was a good evening with just the 3 of us and we had a lot of fun. Dropped her off, got out of the car and waked her to the door, geve her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and wished her merry christmas. At least i got to say it to her first.
I left, and now i cant sleep. going to be so tired in the morning.
Well let me tell you, it is not easy picking up your W from her boyfriends on christmas morning with your grandmother in-law sitting beside you crying cause her granddaughter is ruining her life.
Get back home, kids are bouncing off the walls and presents take no time at all. They had a blast. all this time I cant take my eyes off my wife. She is as beautiful as i remember, especially when she is smiling.
Grandma gave the gift to both my W and I as she always does, this year for the first time every, the cheque is in my name. W seemed very disappointed by that. Pretty sure she was banking on getting that cheque and keeping it for herself. smart Grandma.
The presents are all done, MIL is making breakfast, i have to take a few mins away. I am fighting the urge to cry, its very hard not to. I see that i will be sneaking away quite a bit today.
