Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Thanks for the advice, Punkin. I told them at this point that it's a game day decision for me whether to go up on the 25th or not. I'll see how I feel that day. I think now they understand since I explained it more.

Well H sent me 3 texts today. I would rather he had not contacted me at all, if you want to know the truth. Everyone who has read this in my life says they think he is really playing the victim here and I'm tired of that.

"After asking several people's opinions everyone agrees I'm in a no win situation. If I fail to acknowledge today I look heartless and if I do I may stir up bad feelings. Let's just say that I haven't forgotten and I hope you are well. I hope you are having a pleasant evening with family, friends, or kitties. Please don't feel that a reply is necessary. Take care."

I'd have preferred nothing at all, or if something, maybe just a feeble "I'm sorry." But this, well, I just think it's offensive. I don't know this person anymore. I am tired of using energy thinking about him and holding onto that marriage and that life. Today was our 19th wedding anniversary, and instead of being together, he's off with the OW and worrying more than anything about how he is going to "look" today in my eyes. There isn't any love in there. There just isn't.

You know, you have all said that you just know when you're done. Well, I know. Strangely enough, I know today, on the anniversary. I'm done. I'm done with this marriage. I'm done with him. He is toxic. I was handling today fine, and then he sent me this and it just sent me into screaming, bawling, gut-wrenching sobs. I blasted some music, I wiped off my face, I took off my rings and put them away, and I went to facebook and I calmly changed my status to divorced. I am not waiting for that piece of paper to come in the mail declaring me divorced. I have to take some control and power back in my life over my emotions and over how much of "me" I invest in him, and you know, there is no reason to invest anything of myself in him anymore. There are tons of people in my life who really need me and who love me unconditionally who would never in a million years betray me the way he did or blame me or their relationship with me if they had problems facing who they were.

I tried my hardest to DB and to get the marriage back and I could not do it. He is one of those people MWD talks about as one of the very small number who have turned their back on the marriage.

Well, there is nothing more I can do, and even little contact with him is bad for me and it's holding me back. I am not making this decision out of anger. Yes I was angry earlier tonight, but I have felt this coming for awhile now. Today just seals it.

I realize that sometimes we say we are done and then we change our minds. I don't know where I'll be in a few days or a week. Maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I won't. But I feel like I've been holding this rope for so long and it's at the point where I have to let go of it because there is too much negative energy surrounding the end of the marriage, and it has to die. i have to let it go. I have to embrace that I am divorced. That piece of paper comes any day, but emotionally, I'm already gone from that marriage and from him. And even if I'm not always "gone from him", at least now I know that I need to be because that connection is no longer serving me and it's keeping me from being happy with the things in my life that are good and right.