Kaboom

[desert_rat]

(((((girl)))))
You can call me anything you want... though handsome makes me blush a bit!

I like your plan. It seems to me a good time to gather yourself, and consider what is going to work for you. There will be lots of time to hear opinions, so for now I am not going to give any... just send you lots of hugs, and all the support I can!

[sgctxok]

oh he's definitely handsome, at least virtually.

I've begun reading the same book, and I think you're headed in the right direction. Michele endorses Shirley Glass' and I'm learning quite a bit.

Jack--do you mean girl is now a desert_girl? Just asking.

girl-I have been around awhile, and I just haven't seen such sanity in the face of this much adversity, at least not in a long time. I admire you. I realize that you have a tough long road ahead.

But I do know that what you thought was true in these more recent times, were true--the love and fun you've had are real. It's just, complicated. I don't say that to diminish what you're going through, but just to support what you know you have between you.

[sgctxok]

Have you seen Michele's latest blog? Would it help you H to see it?

[Gypsy]

My sweet imp..

I'm sorry to hear about the Kaboom and I'm happy to hear you're reading "Not Just Friends". It provides perspective and lays out a plan of action for both spouses.

Congratulations on being responsible for you own happiness and dealing with this in a healthy way. Pointing out to your former friend that she's the only one who can control her fate and joy in life is beautiful thing. It's kinda weird that she gets upset at his lying to her (while she continued a relationship with a boyfriend) but not you. Ahh.. so selfish.

Demands, transparency and boundaries are needed now and in the future, regardless of the outcome. Reflect on what is more important.. your relationship with yourself, your marriage (if that is your decision) or a job? That has been a trap in the past and will continue to be. You are an incredible loving person and deserve the best. And your husband needs to commit one way or the other.

Many recommend direct confrontation with the wayward spouse, transparency, all of which is included in the book you're reading.

My heart is with you.

*hugs*

[girlfromipanema]

Hugs, love and gratitude for your sweet posts, SG, Handsome Rat, and my beautiful butterfly. I love you all so much and would not be the strong person I am today if not for your love and support during my darkest days.

[girlfromipanema]

When my H and I first started dating, we kept our relationship private. We didn’t want to let anyone in on our secret since our company is so small. My boss eventually figured it out and asked me to curtail the relationship because he and I work closely together and I have access to confidential information. He was concerned that I would share that information with H (which I wouldn’t, but I understand his concern). Trying to stay away from H was a nightmare. We missed each other’s company tremendously and we eventually started sneaking around again and every minute of every weekend was spent together. (I'm sure when OW and H tried to break off the affair several times, they had as much trouble staying apart as H and I did.)

H was eventually promoted to a position above mine in the company and H told my boss the truth about us. We still kept the relationship under wraps to the remaining staff until we announced our engagement. (OW was present during the engagement announcement and said, “I have an announcement of my own: BF and I are engaged too!”). My guess is she’s had feelings for my H for as long as I have… and finding out we were engaged was very difficult for her.

We married quickly (a couple of days after the announcement) and then six months later the EA began with OW. I’m wondering if H thrives on the secrecy… and can’t live happily without it. If that is the case, I’m not the right person for him.

When you ask for transparency, and your spouse agrees to it, how do you know you’ll get it? I certainly can’t take his word for it. I’m sure Not Just Friends addresses it, but I didn’t have a chance to do any reading last night. My Xanax did the trick. I went to bed at 7 and slept better than I have since December 7 (my boss had a heart attack, followed by open heart surgery and I was by his side nearly the entire time. H took nightshift while I had the day shift. My boss is doing great, by the way). It’s been a stressful time. My sister had surgery for Renal Cell Carcinoma last Monday. I pray she’ll be fine. She’s only 39…

[Jack_Three_Beans]

When you ask for transparency, and your spouse agrees to it, how do you know you’ll get it? I certainly can’t take his word for it.

Oh no...absolutely not, you'd be a fool to just take his word for it.

If he agrees to it, that is a good sign.

But the better sign, is when you tell him that you are going to verify, or check up on him.

Ask for access to his phone email and such, let him know that while you want to trust him again, it is going to take time for that trust to build up. And when you are having a hard time trusting him you will snoop or look.

If he is looking to rebuild your trust, he might not like this, but he should be willing to understand your need and allow you this ability. Passwords and access and accountability. He should be willing to call you when he is late to reassure you.

Trust but verify.

Trust but verify.

If he is reassuring you, and understands your need for it, even better.

[girlfromipanema]

Very helpful, Jack. ♥

[girlfromipanema]

What's up with the edit button?

&#9829 was supposed to be a heart, so I'll hug you instead. (((Jack)))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Edit button is disabled currently, maybe down the road it will come back.

Part of the conversation I had with my wife was I told her I understand that OM would contact her. I expected her to tell me when that happened part of my boundary.

She said she didn't want to upset me.

I told her if she did that I would be upset at the right person. If she didn't I was going to upset with her and it would sabotage everything we had been rebuilding.

If I didn't trust her we didn't have any future. I wanted to trust her again, but I'd be stupid just to give it to her without any rebuilding of it.