I was a regular here back in early 2008 and now I'm back. I visit the site and catch up with other posters every so often, but I haven't posted anything about me in a long time. I debated whether to sign on under a different user name because I’m a little embarrassed to admit the insanity of my situation. Also, I know certain people will think I’m a dumbass (especially my bro, Mike from Tennessee, even though I know he doesn’t post here too often). Was I a dumbass? Maybe a little. I should have asked more questions and resolved a lot of ambiguity in my situation. I'll explain more soon.
In a nutshell, I busted my divorce in September 2008. The last couple of years have been blissful. Not perfect, but very good. It's true that ignorance is bliss. Last Friday I had the mother of all bombs dropped on me... completely out of the blue and it put an end to my happy ending.
Thankfully the changes I made in myself during my DB days are still intact and I still love myself completely – maybe more than ever. I can truthfully say that I'm a special woman with many beautiful qualities. Hooray! It's amazing how much I've changed since my first post back in 2008 (I can barely stomach re-reading my first posts), and I owe a lot of those changes to the personal growth I made during one of the most frustrating times of my life – and from the support I found here.
I'll be back to give the run down in a bit.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Anyone can go back and read my previous threads from 2008 if they want more details. I’m too exhausted to spend a lot of time detailing it out. Here’s a recap:
I suspected an emotional affair was going on between my husband and a former close friend. All three of us also work together for a very small company. After a couple of years of asking for appropriate boundaries/reassurances that nothing was going on, I finally snapped in December 2007 while all of us were on vacation in Hawaii. My outburst fueled an intense period of time when my husband treated me with coldness and disgust. I found DB and started making changes in myself. This went on for months and I was getting nowhere so we decided to call it a day on our marriage. After I moved out he finally opened up, apologized and we decided to give our love another try. I was assured that he loved me and that I had nothing to worry about. His actions spoke volumes and I didn’t push requiring transparency or ask a lot of probing questions. I took his word that he and the OW were never more than friends. Big mistake on my part. Since we all work together, I see the interactions between them and it appeared that they had learned to respect the boundaries of my marriage. I was cordial in my dealings with her at the office, but the friendship was over.
H and I have been very happy. We’ve traveled to wonderful places, we’ve laughed and enjoyed each other more than ever. I had absolutely zero indications that something was terribly amiss.
Last Friday the OW’s boyfriend called me out of the blue (we haven't spoken for nearly two years) and said he needed to see me immediately. I met him for coffee and he said he owed me a huge apology. I thought he was going to apologize for giving me the cold shoulder at a party a couple years ago, but instead he said, “6 years”.
He went on to explain that 6 years is how long the love affair between my H and OW has been going on. Nearly the entire length of my marriage. Because things have been so wonderful, I didn’t want to believe him. I told him I needed to process this news and left. Then I called my husband and very calmly told him what I'd heard and that I was confused. I was certain he would say it was all a terrible misunderstanding… instead he said, “let’s call it a day and meet at home to discuss.”
Oh sh*t.
More soon…
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Did I mention how impressed I am with the changes I’ve made and kept since this all started a few years back? I’m amazed at how I handled myself after learning something so devastating.
H came home and confirmed that it was true. My reaction was total numbness at first and confusion. I didn’t comprehend how someone could seem so happy and committed at home. We spend so much time together and I couldn’t understand when the affair could occur. Apparently it happened on Saturdays when I have my art class.
I’m still confused about the exact time frame. From what I’m being told, it was an emotional affair (three years) until after the fateful trip to Hawaii and then it spiraled into an intense physical affair until H asked me to come home. It rekindled a few times since then and they have both tried to break it off, but it has been difficult. So three years of emotional affair, followed by three years of a physical affair. A total of six years and we’ve been married a total of 6 1/2 years. Nice.
If any of you are dealing with infidelity, do yourself a favor and read, “Not Just Friends.” It has helped me understand a lot of what I’m learning… how someone could lead a double life (compartmentalizing) and love two people at the same time, etc. It’s not a fun read by any means, because it forces you to see the affair partner in a somewhat empathetic light (concerning the difficulties faced once the affair has been exposed).
Apparently the affair was exposed by OW to her boyfriend after something I did set her off. I’m not sure if she was so angry that she wanted to punish me; or if she wanted to give my husband an ultimatum to leave me for her and he wouldn’t or what, but she confessed to her boyfriend and her boyfriend told me. I’m certain the affair would’ve gone on indefinitely if she had been able to be content with being the mistress, but she wanted more and snapped.
Here is a text message I received from OW on Saturday morning:
“I’ve been lied to for 6 years. I don’t know what is the truth any longer. I’m done with your lying husband. He destroyed my life. The reason I opened my mouth is not to get him 4 myself, but to make things clear and find out the truth. The truth is he has no concept of monogamy. I don’t need a person that I will never be able to trust. I know how much you hate me. I’ve seen the white scarf left behind in your closet (her way of telling me she’s been in my house, rifling through my stuff – the scarf was a gift from her). But if you want to know what was taking place, let me know. I have no more reasons 2 lie.”
Needless to say, her text had me shaking. I couldn’t believe her nerve and I fought with me entire being not to respond, but later that day I did reply (my hand was still shaking while typing out the text):
“You play with fire, you might get burned. YOU ruined your life. Time to look in the mirror. I doubt you’ll like what you see. I love the person I am. Two of the people I cared about most in the world let me and themselves down more than I ever thought possible. Thanks much.”
Then she sent a follow up saying she wished she could turn back time, blah blah blah and that she has no right to ask, but please forgive her.
That was it as far as a text exchange. I don’t have any plans to meet with her to find out the details. No details provided could make it any worse than it already is. My H has admitted that he loves her (OMFG) but doesn’t want to be with her.
Now that the bomb has exploded, and I’ve examined every minute of our life over the past 2+ years, I do realize there was a little something missing in the intimacy department. We have a normal sex life, but the intimacy was a little “off” and the frequency had dropped off. Also I was doing a lot more of the initiating than he, which is unusual. I thought it was just part of the ebb and flow of being married. But other than that, he was a master of deception.
More gory details a little later. I need to go pick up some Xanax. My heart won't stop pounding and my vision is blurry. I think it's the anxiety. The body's physical reactions to an emotional issue are something else, aren't they?
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hey handsome, should I call you Desert or Rat? ;-) I hope you're doing well, friend.
Jack, right now my plan is to finish reading "Not Just Friends". It says if you're ambivalent to hold off on making any decisions for 6 to 12 weeks. I'm pretty ambivalent. I'm sure many will think me foolish not to kick him out on the street this very minute.
My husband has agreed to read the book as well. He says he wants to be with me; that he loves our life together. He says he wanted to end the affair for a long time. It is very complicated and I can empathize with the difficulties he faced when wanting to end it. She is very high strung, reactive and hot tempered and threatened him with exposing the affair to me and everyone we work with. Also, this thing could have dire consequences for our company. We all work together and are shareholders of this small company and each of us are owed a substantial sum of money for back revenue sharing; however, with the economy the way it is... If someone leaves (which I believe she already has - her desk is cleaned out) they would need to be paid that substantial sum. It could bankrupt the company. The CEO and his mom have a lot of personal money tied up in the business, as well as private investors. This is a real mess. A lot of innocent people's livelihoods and life savings are at risk, so I can understand his hesitancy in breaking things off if she was unable to cope with grace. I certainly don't excuse his behavior and I wonder if they did break it off if he would have ever admitted it to me.
I hate the fact that my entire marriage was shared between three people. I hate so much of my situation.
Today I feel that I do love my husband, probably because I've been so happy the last 2+ years. I don't know if my love is based on an illusion or if any of it is real. "Not Just Friends" is really helping me sort through my thoughts that continue to circle around my head over and over.
I guess my plan is to take it one day at a time and determine whether I want, or can, forgive and rebuild. The ball is in my court this time.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Just last Thursday night, I was driving home from work and thinking about how grateful I was for all I have in my life. I felt so much love for him and I was thinking he probably saved my life in the beginning of our relationship (prior to getting married). That's a whole other long story but I suffered a bout a severe depression and he helped pull me out. I don't know if I'd be here today if not for him.
Because those thoughts of gratitude and love are so fresh in my mind, I'm uncertain if I have grasped the full extent of damage yet.
These next few days, weeks, months are sure to be a bumpy road. Sigh.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
