Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Hey handsome, should I call you Desert or Rat? ;-) I hope you're doing well, friend.

Jack, right now my plan is to finish reading "Not Just Friends". It says if you're ambivalent to hold off on making any decisions for 6 to 12 weeks. I'm pretty ambivalent. I'm sure many will think me foolish not to kick him out on the street this very minute.

My husband has agreed to read the book as well. He says he wants to be with me; that he loves our life together. He says he wanted to end the affair for a long time. It is very complicated and I can empathize with the difficulties he faced when wanting to end it. She is very high strung, reactive and hot tempered and threatened him with exposing the affair to me and everyone we work with. Also, this thing could have dire consequences for our company. We all work together and are shareholders of this small company and each of us are owed a substantial sum of money for back revenue sharing; however, with the economy the way it is... If someone leaves (which I believe she already has - her desk is cleaned out) they would need to be paid that substantial sum. It could bankrupt the company. The CEO and his mom have a lot of personal money tied up in the business, as well as private investors. This is a real mess. A lot of innocent people's livelihoods and life savings are at risk, so I can understand his hesitancy in breaking things off if she was unable to cope with grace. I certainly don't excuse his behavior and I wonder if they did break it off if he would have ever admitted it to me.

I hate the fact that my entire marriage was shared between three people. I hate so much of my situation.

Today I feel that I do love my husband, probably because I've been so happy the last 2+ years. I don't know if my love is based on an illusion or if any of it is real. "Not Just Friends" is really helping me sort through my thoughts that continue to circle around my head over and over.

I guess my plan is to take it one day at a time and determine whether I want, or can, forgive and rebuild. The ball is in my court this time.