Don't know where I'm going, but I'm done here

[Harrier]

I feel kinda like I haven't been here all that long and I haven't learned as much from the vets as I could've and should've.
But to make a long story short, the divorce is officially off for now. The temporary separation is off for now as well.

W has agreed to marriage counseling to see if she can make it work between us.

But she said she is only staying married for the kids now, but acknowledged that her feelings can change.
She has some hope, but not a lot that things can improve between us.
She wants to "live parallel, but separate lives," in the same house for now.
She said there is no intimacy between us and that will have to be built up again, if it can be.
She also said that she doesn't really care that much about my feelings now.
She did say that she loves me, I make her laugh like no one else and that she feels like we can be partners again (something she said she didn't feel for a long time)

Now I have to decide if I'm okay with that. I told her that I could try it for a while, but I can't do the married but emotionally divorced thing for the next 20 years.

I'm not sure what DB's role in this is. I mean what she asked for from me and what I complied with is basically the DB principles.
BTW I have a copy of DB if anyone wants it. I'll mail it to you for FREE.

[dbmod]

Congratulations! Feel free to come back to Piecing if you'd like to work on your relationship skills and making your marriage stronger.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh my heavens Harrier, don't sign off now! And don't minimize the impact that C can have. I said and felt a lot of similar things about my H before I began C... C taught me how to figure out exactly what intimacy was to me, and how to ask for those things from my H. It taught me how to have more compassion for my H's feelings, and his side of our struggles. It taught me how to have hope even thought I too believed that not a lot of things could improve. And all these things are what DB is all about. It's not just for getting to the point you're at now. It's about learning WHAT works to build intimacy and connection, and HOW to do those things.

[cat04]

Harrier,

I too echo that you should remain.

This board, the "vets", are not simply able to help you get to the point you are at, they can help you with backslides and steps forward.

Additionally, you can increase your knowledge by continuing to post. And it can show others that there is hope.

Your W's list, sounds pretty reasonable to me right now. You can't just jump back into the deep end, you were drowning there anyway.

Patience, compassion, understanding, and a fresh mindset, that this is a new phase to a story that has to be written...

These are things that will help you...

Good Luck!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Over a hundred posts and the thread gets locked.

Also more in the spirit of being nice I believe.

You wanted to know if DB even works.

It worked for me man. In that I am married to my MLC WAW, living in the same house, being parents and partners again being married.

It would have worked for me even if she didn't come back.

Because the skills, I guess skills is the correct word, learned from DBing would have helped me in my next realtionship, just trned out that was with my wife.

My old marriage is dead, and thank God for that, it was a poor thing.

I was a WAH in my first marriage, and I can say that if my wife then had DBed, I likely wouldn't have left.
But being blamed for everything wrong in the marriage, and seeing no reason to change anything on her end, or the changes being temporary to get me to come back?

DBing works, but only if you do.

[ericmsant2]

Harrier,

I feel kinda like I haven't been here all that long and I haven't learned as much from the vets as I could've and should've.

“Haven’t learned as much from the vets and should’ve”….so can you do ME a favor and tell me why? As a matter of fact, why not ASK yourself why.

I am glad to see that the D and separation is off for now.

Okay….let me get this straight….and I have a few comments.

1) She acknowledged that her feelings can change. Can yours?
2) She has hope. Do you?
3) She wants to live parallel (I interpret that as her saying to YOU…”I want to make sure that YOU have really changed, while I try and figure my own chit out”) Were the changes YOU made JUST to get her back OR did you really understand YOUR role in the breakdown and realized that YOU wanted to change them? The answer is for YOU not me.
4) No intimacy – but she said it needs to be built up again. Can you do that? Can you get to a place where you can love her just the way she is? Intimacy is more than just the physical act. Can you work to be intimate with her emotionally (like listening to how she feels, respecting her choices as well as respecting YOURs)?
5) She doesn’t care about your feelings…Hmmmm…this one was a little dishearting but hey 1 out of 7 is still a positive trend in my book.
6) She loves you and you make her laugh. All good signs buddy, especially the making her laugh.
7) And the kicker….she feels like YOU can be partners again. Read this over and over again – please.

Now I have to decide if I'm okay with that

Yes you have to decide. That much is true.

So Harrier, man to man….can you put aside your pride, can you put aside or better yet deal with your anger and give this women a real shot? Give your M everything you have (and FTR, I have not read your entire sitch)?

I told her that I could try it for a while, but I can't do the married but emotionally divorced thing for the next 20 years.

“Try for a while”…what is a “while” Harrier? A simple “I’ll give a try” would have suffice. Ask me, you have already checked out…it seems to me that you are still a little angry and cautious. All probably with good cause, but the cautious approach may not help your long term goal, which BTW, is to become a really happy dude (married or not).

Look man, I am not gonna tell you to keep posting or to continue to follow DB “rules”…what I will tell YOU is this….

Change for YOU and YOU alone.

Kill the macho pride and ego.

Become happy again – FOR YOU.

IMO, make her laugh again, make yourself laugh again and then buddy leave it all to God.

DBing is NOT a tactic – hard to grasp for many. It really is a way of life….a life that brings you to a different place. Easy? NO. Worth it? Hell YES!

And the piece that many do not want to hear......

DBing...takes time. Not for the WAW - for the LBSer. So consider this when you say "a while".

I wish you well

Eric

[mj144]

Be careful. I went through what you are going through and it sure sounds to me like you are a bit too cocky. Don't take this personal, but if you don't want to be right back here, where I am and quite possibly not so lucky this time, then keep your attitude. If you want to KEEP your marriage, then your work hasn't even started yet, bud. Lose the attitude, or you will lose your wife. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

[Denver_2010]

Agreed... If I am lucky enough to get to this position, I'm going to do everything that I can to avoid a set back!

[Harrier]

@ericmsant2
If you had followed any of my posts, you'd know that I did my changing LONG before she dropped any bomb (unlike most of the men here) At the first hit of trouble, I went to a psychiatrist for meds with the full support of W and started IC long before the issue came to a head. So yeah, I was changing for me all along. I know my role in everything and work everyday to change that - again not just because I wanted to save the M.
I'm sorry, but I don't put much faith in an invisible dude in the sky. I appreciate your thoughts.
I think DB is a tactic, at least to start, I think the 7 principles of highly successful marriages is really good advice.
I'm not really that "macho" or have too much "male" pride. Believe me. I post about 10% of what's really going on. I'm fully committed to my M and family.
I don't mean to demean the DB process, but my wife is pretty smart (She has a Ph.D in psychology no less) She can easily see what I"m doing when I do some of the DB things. It's kinda funny actually.

@mj144
Oh I'm not cocky. I was just telling it like it is. My wife hasn't brought up D in probably 3 weeks and we've had our first to MC sessions.They went very well. I'm doing a chit load of work with everything. (see above) My W has acknowledge that things have improved greatly in the last 3 weeks. She now has a lot of hope that things can improve and I know she cares for me more than she did. The other stuff will take work. on both our parts.
Honestly, I don't know what attitude you are talking about. I'm sorry that you having trouble, but I"m not your "bud."

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier,

These guys are just trying to help.

I was just telling it like it is.

From your point of view. Your perception forms your reality.

And they were doing the same thing from their point of view.