New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

Hi Michelle, Hi Ruikee,

Thanks for staying in touch and encouraging me. I haven't posted in a while. Been doing a lot of thinking. I have plans to drive up and see the Boys for sure. They are doing fine. W is alo doing fine. I call herabout once or twice a week just to say Hi. No pressure at all.

W has been quite pleasant over the phone. No arguments. No venom. I just play it nice, saying Hi, showcasing my best self, never drawn into an argument, letting W test my reaction, but never giving into arguing. W has not mentioned the D word for a whole year now...Even when I dropped my bomb to tell her I was at peace with what I have done, still W never mentioned D.

What does it mean? Does it matter? I don't know anymore. I am not as stressed as I used to be about what W would say or do. It's not up to me anymore. I keep maintaining what I have accomplished. The rest is not up to me.

I swim a lot lately , keep up with weight lifting, force myself to go to church socials. Kinda slipped a bit. Didn't do Halloween. Kept the lights off so no one would ring the doorbell. Just wasn't in the mood of it. But all in all I am OK. I have to say that at times I wonder what goes on in W's head. What's all the wait about? Why not just end it and refile? Anyway, No need to mind read, I guess...wasted energy, as Carlos would say.

Well, that's it for now. Thanks for chiming in, guys. I'll do better at posting more often...

Joel

[pinhead]

Joel,

Glad to hear things are going well for you, and that you're going up to see your sons again. Do you talk to them on the phone a lot, or use Skype/email to keep in touch with them?

[MichelleLT]

Glad to hear you are keeping busy and doing well.

I probably wouldn't have done anything for Halloween if my boyfriend hadn't insisted lol.

Glad you get to see the boys soon.

Sounds like you are definitely in a friendlier place with your W. I am sure that makes co-parenting easier. Hopefully you can continue to build on that.

As for why she has dropped the D issue, who knows. She could be reconsidering, or she could just be being lazy. There is no way to tell without talking to her about it.

At some point, I think most of us get to a point where we become determined that we do not want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to us.

[JR09]

Michelle,

Long time no post on my part. I hope you are still around. I will head for ID to see my boys for Christmas. I am excited. W sounds quite friendly over the phone. Never mentions the big D. My boss called her to just see how she was doing. He did it on his own and I never asked him to call.

He told me he wanted to help her make up her mind, make a decision. She knows my boss for several years and trusts him. He said he'd be glad to serve as a mediator to talk things thru if a D is coming up.He encouraged W to call me and tell me what she wants to do. She said she'd call me.

Well W never called me to talk about D, so apparently she may be doing some thinking, who knows. She's been very nice when we talked a couple of days ago. The bomb has been dropped n her at least twice, yet no reaction or answer. So I don't get it. She still wants me to come for Christmas, and also wants me to baptize our youngest son.

Anyway, that's the update. I hope I'll hear from you again, Michelle! Or anybody else for that matter.

Cheers,

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Hey! Good to hear from you.

Glad you are going up to see them for the holidays.

Seems like definite baby steps on her wanting you there for the holidays and wanting you to baptize the youngest.

Are you getting a hotel and picking up the boys, or will there actually be some joint activities?

Interesting about your boss calling her. That could have majorly back-fired, but I'm glad to see it didn't! I bet it does have her thinking. If nothing else the pressure will make her see that she needs to make a final decision soon.

It's so dam ironic to me how when the WAS starts getting pressured for D is usually when they dig their heels in and delay. It's one of the patterns we see so often here, and it makes me shake my head and laugh every time.

The LBS offers them what they "wanted" and instead of jumping all over it, it makes them think.

Keep us posted about your trip! And we definitely definitely need an update when you get back!

Have a Merry Christmas regardless of your W.

[JR09]

Michelle,

Great to hear from you.Thanks for chiming in. I already have a hotel room reserved ffor the boys and I but I am not sure if W meant "joint activities". The kicker in this trip is that I am actually going to stay up there. I just outprocessed and will go on terminal leave up there. So I'll see the boys during Christmas, the baptism, and more often after that! Not sure how it goes, but I think every other weekend is the norm, isn't it?

So W will see me more often as well. She's asked me if I'll get an apartment,. My plan is to get one as close as possible to where they live. I figured we are not divorced, I am a good father, I don't have any type of restraining order against me, and I can move closer if I want to, so why not?...

In any case, this will either trigger strong feelings of D on W's part, OR possible feelings of reconciliation. Who knows, right? Well, this is it. Gotta shine thru the new me!!!

Joel

[JR09]

Michelle,

What does it mean when the W digs in and delays when they are pressured for D?

Joel

[Denver_2010]

Yes, I'm interested in that comment as well...

[MichelleLT]

In most cases, every other weekend is pretty normal. I have also seen custody be 50/50 though. So give it some thought, especially since you'll be on terminal leave and will have the option to spend a lot of time with them.

Sometimes they delay because they just are being obstinate. Anything that you want obviously isn't what they want.

Other times, it's because they are having second thoughts.

But there's really no point in mind-reading because it could be either one.

Just be the best you you can be. And be the best dad you can be.

[JR09]

well, I'm here in ID with the Boys in our usual hotel. Having a great time. S11 invited his best friend to join us for a sleepover. Everyone is doing great.

I got here on Christmas day. Called W to ask her if I could have the Boys for the rest of Christmas day. It took some convincing but W finally relented and let me have the boys at 7:00PM

It's now 28 DEC. Today, I looked for an apartment in my W's hometown so I can be closer to the Boys. I told my W that's what I'd be doing. She called back later and said that if I move in her hometown, she'd move to Salt Lake with the Boys...I told her that was not responsible and that she needed to set aside her hate for me and think clearly. I told her it wasn't about her, but about the kids. She kept threatening about moving to SLC if I moved in her town. I said I don't do well with threats, intimidation.

So now, I don't know what to do. Shall I stick to my guns and keep that apartment in her hometown and risk antagonizing her enough that she'd take the kids away to SLC? Or should I just back off and look for a place 30 miles away in Boise? W is afraid that I'll have the kids every evening. I told her that's probably not how divorced people handle their parenting...

Anyway, who knows. feedback anyone?

Joel