My W and I have been together for over 20 years, 20th anniversary later this month (no celebrations, though). Both 42. We have a D 11 and S 3 yo.
In Jan 98 she was admitted for 6 weeks to deal with her alcoholism. Until the night before she went, I never knew she was an alcoholic.
Yes, many times she drank too much. I never knew how much, though.
We had NO family or joint therapy at all when this all began. For all I knew -- she would go to the hospital, then "be better!"
Later in the spring I started seeing a therapist myself b/c things at home were nuts -- did not make any sense. I did not know that she had begun first of several EA's at that point.
It took me maybe 5 months of therapy and al-anon to get that this was a family disease. To understand why it was so tough for her (and me, us as a family).
At the beginning, though, I'd ask her to talk with her drs, to learn more. And after she came out of the hospital -- and seemed no better, actually worse, I kept asking -- and was always told "no."
By the end of '98 I pretty much assumed there was someone else (but rationalized that she was "too sick" for that to happen). By April of 99 I had proof -- a phone call from a co-worker. (which was right on the money -- by that point she had had 3 EA's with men at her office).
SHe denied it completely, even in the counseling sessions we had together. We actually went on a fun family vacation together in early summer. When we got back, our first session -- I told her that I knew about the affairs -- and could not live like this.
Things actually got better, fun, loving through the summer. And then, she began the next EA.
During all this she also lost her job. She began spending (and still does) 6 - 8 hours a day on the internet -- chatting and cybersex.
In October I had it -- told her in a counseling session that I could not live like this anymore -- no more lies, secrets, other persons. I will not live my life like that, and I will do everything I can to stop this pattern for our children. (both of W's parents are alcohilics, both unfaithful in their 50 year marriage, W's father true philanderer).
SHe responded -- she will never love me like a husband, only friend. We decided to divorce.
I figured she'd move out, maybe even move in with OM. But she is still at home. Or thought she'd take legal action. So far -- nothing.
Its very sad -- our existence together is polite, but hardly friendly. There are moments where we have laughs, smiles -- but few. She hardly looks at me.
I am in "full DB" -- Plan B mode (as much as one can with spouse in the house). I initiate as little contact as possible -- never call or email socially. I do not ask about her day. And unless she asks, I tell little of mine .
I have a great time -- go out with friends occasionally, come home every night with a smile and chuckle. Except for my marriage -- many parts of my life could not be better. My relationship with the kids as as strong/better than ever.
I am still angry at all the control she had for so many years over me. And how much she still exerts. (my alanon friends are not so polite -- they tell me to cut off the internet, stop paying for her medical bills ($200 - 400/week in therapy - not covered), make her pay for her car, etc.).
And I think that I am much more controlled than I ought to be. I am standing up for me more and more, trying not to let her influence me.
I keep in mind that this is "all about her" and not me. (oh yeah, I have admitted my mistakes to her -- some she did not know about -- and taken repsonsibility).
The holidays are hard -- Sat night we all piled into the car, rode around the town looking at xmas lights, singing carols and songs. It felt good. Like what I would like things to be like. But they are not.
We have a large xmas tree (15') -- put the lights on last night. In past years, W would call me down to the living room -- we'd sit on the sofa, in front of the tree and talk, enjoy eachother. Last night, I layed down on the sofa myself. Its (once again) the most beautiful tree we've ever had.
Thanked God for getting myself back this year. Thanked God for the joy of my 2 kids. Thanked him for the blessings of friends, of support and caring from others.
And for the hope of moving forward -- whatever that looks like.
