Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Did I mention how impressed I am with the changes I’ve made and kept since this all started a few years back? I’m amazed at how I handled myself after learning something so devastating.

H came home and confirmed that it was true. My reaction was total numbness at first and confusion. I didn’t comprehend how someone could seem so happy and committed at home. We spend so much time together and I couldn’t understand when the affair could occur. Apparently it happened on Saturdays when I have my art class.

I’m still confused about the exact time frame. From what I’m being told, it was an emotional affair (three years) until after the fateful trip to Hawaii and then it spiraled into an intense physical affair until H asked me to come home. It rekindled a few times since then and they have both tried to break it off, but it has been difficult. So three years of emotional affair, followed by three years of a physical affair. A total of six years and we’ve been married a total of 6 1/2 years. Nice.

If any of you are dealing with infidelity, do yourself a favor and read, “Not Just Friends.” It has helped me understand a lot of what I’m learning… how someone could lead a double life (compartmentalizing) and love two people at the same time, etc. It’s not a fun read by any means, because it forces you to see the affair partner in a somewhat empathetic light (concerning the difficulties faced once the affair has been exposed).

Apparently the affair was exposed by OW to her boyfriend after something I did set her off. I’m not sure if she was so angry that she wanted to punish me; or if she wanted to give my husband an ultimatum to leave me for her and he wouldn’t or what, but she confessed to her boyfriend and her boyfriend told me. I’m certain the affair would’ve gone on indefinitely if she had been able to be content with being the mistress, but she wanted more and snapped.

Here is a text message I received from OW on Saturday morning:

“I’ve been lied to for 6 years. I don’t know what is the truth any longer. I’m done with your lying husband. He destroyed my life. The reason I opened my mouth is not to get him 4 myself, but to make things clear and find out the truth. The truth is he has no concept of monogamy. I don’t need a person that I will never be able to trust. I know how much you hate me. I’ve seen the white scarf left behind in your closet (her way of telling me she’s been in my house, rifling through my stuff – the scarf was a gift from her). But if you want to know what was taking place, let me know. I have no more reasons 2 lie.”

Needless to say, her text had me shaking. I couldn’t believe her nerve and I fought with me entire being not to respond, but later that day I did reply (my hand was still shaking while typing out the text):

“You play with fire, you might get burned. YOU ruined your life. Time to look in the mirror. I doubt you’ll like what you see. I love the person I am. Two of the people I cared about most in the world let me and themselves down more than I ever thought possible. Thanks much.”

Then she sent a follow up saying she wished she could turn back time, blah blah blah and that she has no right to ask, but please forgive her.

That was it as far as a text exchange. I don’t have any plans to meet with her to find out the details. No details provided could make it any worse than it already is. My H has admitted that he loves her (OMFG) but doesn’t want to be with her.

Now that the bomb has exploded, and I’ve examined every minute of our life over the past 2+ years, I do realize there was a little something missing in the intimacy department. We have a normal sex life, but the intimacy was a little “off” and the frequency had dropped off. Also I was doing a lot more of the initiating than he, which is unusual. I thought it was just part of the ebb and flow of being married. But other than that, he was a master of deception.

More gory details a little later. I need to go pick up some Xanax. My heart won't stop pounding and my vision is blurry. I think it's the anxiety. The body's physical reactions to an emotional issue are something else, aren't they?