Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

[Sad_but_happy]

OK, we had party at work today. I am bringing home 3 cookies (one for each of the kids and one for her).

That shows that I am thinking about her but not spending money and not going out of my way. And I think that's the important part, the thinking about her...

[sandi2]

I think its sad that the best you can come up with is that SBN never had an EA so he doesn't know.

Oh, that's not the best I can do! But, let it be known right now that I am not giving out any kind of defense for an A! I have tried to give help to those who would accept it, and if you don't like what I have to say then you don't have to read it. If you don't want to know how a WAW feels and thinks or why she may have been vulnerable to what took place,then don't listen to one.

Here's the thing, I have read where the WAW is called just about everything in the book. No matter how horrible the H treated her or for how long --it doesn't justify her having an EA. But....for SOME people that is the ONLY argument they have. She had an EA!

Don't take what I say as defense. I don't need defending. I don't even need to defend these WAW's who aren't here to tell us their side of the story.

All we have is the side of the person who shows up. Sometimes that person needs another POV. Do you think I spend my time here on this board for any other reason except to try and help people who is going through this hell?

You've only been here, what? A little over a month? Maybe you should know more about the person you are pointing fingers toward, or, maybe you just think you already know it all now. I didn't give that post to you, mister,I gave it to a young man I was trying to help see from another set of eyes.

I can tell when the LBH is angry and wants to use me and any other WAW as his target. I understand that. But, I won't fight with you or anyone else, b/c you aren't in the place to LEARN yet. Hopefully, you'll get there soon.

[Sad_but_happy]

Sandi,
Yur advice is always welcome here. I am doing the best I can with what I have. And I do have quite a bit.

But it's hard to see the POV of a WAW because the wound is so deep and the betrayl so cutting.

As I have stated in the past, I take responsibility for all the pain I have caused her and I hope she takes 50% of the responsibility for the pain she has caused me. The EA puts us in a diffeent place as far as the pain scale.

Please keep posting. Your advice is helpful even if I need to vent sometimes.

[sandi2]

I am thankful that my wife at least had the decency to admit that she shares in the blame for our issues and and she said nothing I did excuses the EA.
Unlike SBH, I love my wife dearly and cannot imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my years. I have loved her for 17+ years and that's what makes the EA so painful. So next time you get on your horse think of that.

Look, I'm not on any kind of a horse! You don't know me. You don't know what all I've experienced in my life! I'm glad you love your W, why would I not be? Why would you say to think about that the next time I got on my horse? Can you see how ready you are to attack a WAW? Until you get past that, you have a lot of healing to do.

[sandi2]

But it's hard to see the POV of a WAW because the wound is so deep and the betrayl so cutting.

I know it is. Former members could tell you (such as Deep did) that I can be a little tough at times, but it is only if I'm concerned.

I kept seeing things you posted that really concerned me a lot. I may be the oldest gal around here, but I think my perception is still pretty keen. Apparently, my writing skills aren't great.....but guess I can't win 'em all.

You've got my support as long as you can look at yourself humbly.....and that is kind of what I'm picking up on in this last post. Just know that whenever you get a post from me...it is b/c I care, or b/c you've p*ssed me off(and I'm really trying hard to work on that last part).

[Harrier]

Oh please sandi. You missed my point. You simply have no perspective on the LBS. NONE!!!!! Yet you go out of your way to point this to SBH. Hypocrisy much.
I understand the natural inclination to defend your WAW actions. I really do. Perhaps you don't even realize how your posts read. But they sound very defensive to a LBH. Your "perspective" can only go so far.
Like you said. I don't know you but also you don't know me. I do dislike the whole idea of a WAW. I'll admit it straight up. It's not right. But neither is treating your spouse the way some of these LBH treated their spouse.
You dont know if I'm ready to learn. I have learned a ton, but frankly most if what was in DB is basic common sense and I know enough to see where the DB process is off base.
If I didn't learn I wouldn't have progressed to where I am in such a short time. I still have a ways to go like everyone here.
If you really wanted to address some one privately I think there is a pm option.

[Sad_but_happy]

Question... And this is going to sound nutty!

I went to a phychic about two weeks ago. Let me just state that I don't believe in that stuff but he was right on about many things going on in my life... Did it as a 180 cause I always told W it was crap.

He told me that I should arrainge a wine toast for my W and I for tonight. The reason is because its the Winter Solstice (the true last day of the year). He stated we should toast to leaving all our difficulties and trials behind (in the now gone year) and look forward to new years and new adventures ahead. kind of a cleansing...

He also said I should have a small gift for her. I was thinking one of those beaded memory braclets.

Now again, I don't believe in that crap but I don't see how it could hurt... Unless it is seen as smoothering or needy (this DB stuff really makes you think twice).

Is it a good idea or no? I will not bring up R...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

SBH,

To each their own I believe.

DB wise, if you want to effect change you make change and monitor the results. See if they had an impact.

The wine tasting, toasting and gift...
As long as you aren't expecting anything from it, pining your hope that this will 'magically' make everything better and can handle the potential rejection of the offer, then go for it man.

Worse case, you know not to try something like that any time soon.

Best case, who knows?

FYI:

He stated we should toast to leaving all our difficulties and trials behind (in the now gone year) and look forward to new years and new adventures ahead.

That toast...is kind of like a R talk.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Harrier,

Speaking as both a WAH and an LBH, you're attacking one of the coolest people here.

Sandi's insight is invaluable and her desire to help comes from the heart.

Speaking as both, the LBS who doesn't look at address and fix their own problems they added to the failing of the marriage isn't likely to be married.

If DBing was common sense the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. As for it being off base...I suggest trying some of the counter intuitive things before dismissing them out of hand.

And the PM's don't work here.

[MrBond]

Harrier,

Speaking as an LBS, sandi's got more perspective than you can imagine. And she's helped countless LBS's on here as well. You are out of line here.