Positively moving forward

[BeingMe]

Aw, that is so cute with the alien baby. I have a 3 year old grand-daughter, and she comes up with the strangest and funniest things too.

You sound like you are doing well. Don't let the R between S3 and H become too stressful for you now ... cross that bridge when you get to it. As you say, he only wants to be a dad when it suits him, so you'll know (probably) when those times will be, then be able to prepare S3. Just a thought.

Take care.

[awest1217]

Tonight S goes for the first time. I am excited yet scared. S has been extra clingy these last few days. I don't know if I am putting off a vibe or if he is a little leary. I have talked to him about going and spending the night. Whenever I talk about it, he always says he doesn't want to go at first and then I ask him and he says yes he does. He is 3 so what can I expect.

I have a lot to do around the house tomorrow to keep me busy. BIL (H's brother) text me yesterday to say he has some gifts to drop off today or maybe one day next week. I said ok. We texted back and forth for a bit and that was nice.

Right now I am doing alright. My SIL told me that she thinks it is a good idea (and she hates H), plus if they are staying at his parents then OW won't be there, at least not spending the night with H so that is a positive. The other stuff I just have to let go. Although I don't want H to ruin things with S the way he did with me, I can't control it and he doesn't want to change. He is who he is. I was looking through old texts H sent me and I just couldn't believe all the lies in each text. I wondered if all the sweet ones he sent to me and OW at the same time to keep us both going. Just sad. I deleted all the sweet ones I was keeping, but kept the important ones in case I need them before the D is final. Overall, I am glad that H wants to start doing more with S because it will help carry the load from me a little and frees me on Fridays (when overnights start more) to do other things like maybe date a little, but I will miss my little guy. It is good for us though. I just still have this sinking feeling like H isn't telling me something. Oh well, S tells me everything so I don't have to worry about it. S has been having an allergic reaction (red eyes and stuffy nose) whenever he gets back from H so maybe H is with OW and her two cats and those cats are what S is allergic to. S has never had a problem with H's parents until about 2 months ago so I just wonder. Something to bring up to H, not that I want to know, but if H's stuff had cat hair all over it, he may have to wash everything or keep stuff at his parents if S is this allergic. (I may have to take him to the doc for it, but I would hate to because now he hates the doc due to the strep tests and surgery).

Otherwise all is good. I really am going to be ok. It is just the first time so I am a little concerned, but my former in-laws are good people and if nothing else BIL is a great guy and may not stand up to H, but will make sure S is taken care of. I have a really bad sore throat today so I hope I am not getting sick, but I am sleeping better and having fun just relaxing this week.

[awest1217]

Cried a little when S left, but I am good. He was excited and happy so all is good. I get a well deserved night off. I will just think of it that way.

[awest1217]

Update:

December 23 - up until midnight on my "night off" talking to S on the ipod because he "miss you". Why S? "Because I just love you". Took 2 hours for him to go to sleep and me constantly talking to him and H to get him to go to sleep.

December 24 - a few tears, but went over to my B's and SIL's then to my SIL's mom's house where her mom and 11 year boyfriend got married. So exciting! While at B's S wanted to talk on the ipod so I talk to him and he melts down. H says he said all day how he didn't want to go to the extended family. Then S noticed I was at B's and he was really upset. I once again spent 20 minutes calming S down. He was calm and H took him shopping and bought him three toys to bribe him to go to his aunt's. S and H were about to leave and S melts down again. Instead of just going to aunt's for a bit and seeing how S did once he had a chance, H calls me and says to get him. H was supposed to have S until 10 that night (long day for S, but what H wanted). I told H that S has only spent the night from me once and even then wanted me by 2 pm the next day. This was the longest he had been away from me ever so it was hard on him. I told H that he has to be patient.

I tried as soon as H left to start overnights and H said no. I tried again last spring, and H said no. Now he just has to deal with the fact that S is not comfortable staying over there. We talked and we will start maybe trying once a month and S coming back Saturday early like around 4 pm until he is used to it.

December 25 - All night he kept whining and wouldn't stop unless I cuddled him. I didn't sleep much, but S did as long as I held him close. S called H at night and we also discussed what I said above then. While talking OW's cats (I noticed right away he was at OW's and not at his parent's and that he has been at OW's since September) meowed, and S asked what that was. I said "Daddy's cats". H got deer in the headlights look and said "I am just feeding them". I also let H know that since he is so allergic to cats I am figuring it is the cat hair on H that S is allergic to. S will cuddle with H and get OW's cat's hair on him and that is why he gets sick after being with H. H agreed. Later I text H to say that all I wanted for Christmas was the truth and some honestly.

By the way, H got me two sweaters, and $75 worth of gift cards. I told him I couldn't accept the gift cards and that the sweaters were enough, but he wouldn't take them back.

Also in the conversation H said how he wants more contact with S, and I reminded him that he is the one that isn't doing his part. I told him that S is 3 and I am done trying to force a relationship. I told him that I always had S available and always tried to get him to do stuff with S, but H wouldn't. He said he knew and that he was going to do better. We will see. I think being the holidays and also seeing in black and white on the divorce agreement what we are doing made him upset. Also I believe OW is out of town with her family so H is lonely. I will see if he keeps it up. I am not forcing anything or counting on anything because I don't want to be disappointed for S again. S is content with everything how it is so if H wants to disrupt that and have more, I am ok with it because he is S's dad, but he better not flake again or make OW more important again. I am surprised H didn't go with OW, but maybe S is starting to be a priority...finally.

After Christmas, I have gone downhill sick-wise; cough, stuffy nose and upset stomach. I am a little happy about it because that means I am finally not stressed and my body is getting back to normal. I will have to rebuild my immune system, but I am finally on the up swing. Today I am finally feeling a little better. The worst was Monday and I have been doing a little better everyday.

Tomorrow and Friday H has S so I can have S on Saturday and get him back to normal before school on Monday.

So that is the update, I know a little jumbled, but really not much going on besides H not being able to handle S wanting me. I want to say now you know how I felt everytime you left for the first year, but I didn't. H will realize. I also let H know that it would be good to be honest with S because that is important.

On the D, H did hire a lawyer. I haven't heard anything else. If H only changes what we discussed then I will be ok with it and we will both sign and be done, if he changes more we will see. Two weeks from tomorrow it will all be over....if H doesn't keep dragging it out.

[Lucky11too]

Hope you're doing well over there still!

It sounds like you are really doing the best things that you can for S. It's hard to let go (I can't even imagine that right now), but for the good or bad, H is S's father, and you have to give that R a chance (which you definitely are). I hope you were able to enjoy your time to yourself (and get some sleep!) and hopefully too, H can gain a greater respect and appreciation of what you do for S everyday (ie, waking up early). I think you are definitely in the right to set some boundaries though about what conditions must be met for S to sleep over. You could do something like once a month at his parent's house for now to get S accustomed to sleeping over with H (which is how is life is going to go), but state that no permanent arrangements (like every other weekend) can be made until he establishes a permanent residence and a personal space for S. That is completely reasonable and not at all mean.

I understand your reservations though. It's hard when you doubt their moral character (regarding H), but the best thing you can do is just keep teaching S the right things and showing him how to live a good moral life. I believe that we as their moms and main caregivers, have alot more impact on their lives, despite what they experience around them. I see that even with my MIL w/ the lack of discipline given there, but despite it all, S is still turning out to be a reasonably well manner boy and he listens to (well, with in the realm of a 2 year old) and respects me.

Well, I hope you had a wonderful Christmas full of joy and family and are enjoying your time off! =)

[Lucky11too]

haha, I guess I'm posting too slow. Your new response beat out my response!

So sorry things were a little rough over the holidays. It's good for H to see the impact of his actions though (S wanting to be with mommy, since he hasn't put his "time in" in the past).

So, are OW and OW's H D'd yet? (Since H and OW seem to be getting so cozy now). OW's cats are definitely something too you would want to consider adding to the requirements if S is to stayover. I would hope H has enough sence though not to continously subject S to getting sick everytime he comes over!

Did H state his reasoning for getting an L? It sounds a little fishy, since he was ok with everything before, so why not sign it and be done with it. Why spend the extra money on an L. Hopefully he's not going to try to make this any more difficult on you.

Glad you are feeling somewhat better. Keep taking care of yourself and enjoy these last few days off!

[ClingingToHope]

Happy New Year

[mishka422]

Happy New Year!

[awest1217]

Happy New Year to Everyone!

I don't really have any new year's resolutions. I never really do. I am just going to continue living and getting stronger.

My voice is now gone. I can talk some, but it is not very good and I have to start work again tomorrow.

New Year's Eve was fun! A bunch of us dressed up and went out to eat and then to church. I wore a skirt from high school which was a little too tight and so did a few other friends so we were all sucking in and hurting, but good memories.

H text me a lot up until he had S on Friday. Even Thursday while he had S, H kept texting me what should I do questions. Like S won't eat what should I do? S isn't acting like himself. What should I do?. Yea S isn't himself because last time he was over there it was a bad experience because you wouldn't let him come home and made him spend the night and he didn't want to. Also now he expects gifts all the time. Friday nothing and even didn't text me happy new year after he asked me to text him when we got home (although it was 50 so good weather and we live 5 blocks from the church). I said that I wish him well in 2011. However yesterday he was seen by one of my friends with OW so that explains the not texting. I am sure he will text some time today or tomorrow, but once again back to intermittent. It was a mutual friend and he wouldn't even say hi. He did the same to my SIL, but she said hi so he had to. She didn't want to say hi either, but thought it would be rude not to.

Still nothing from my L so I am getting a little worried. The D is supposed to be final in two weeks. I hope it doesn't get postponed. Fingers Crossed.

Otherwise, I have a normal day today. I will say that I am feeling the itch to date very badly. I want to just be out there on a date with a guy. I was telling a friend that I haven't be without a guy for this long since I was 14. My normal was I would date a guy for two weeks, then we would break up and I wouldn't date another guy for 6 months so it isn't like I went from guy to guy, but I have been separated from almost 2 years and haven't had even been semi with H in a year so it has been a while. I don't feel any romantic feelings for H anymore. I care about him and still get upset about the lying and cheating just because it hurts, but not because I want to still be with him. I just think it is stupid to keep lying about everything even when I caught. Just live a life free of lies, and I mostly hate it because his lying affects S. Me...not so much. I will still have my sad days, but mostly because I miss my friend who does not exist anymore. He was my best friend and I miss that person. So anyway I am ready to get out there...I just wish there were guys around here who were available and not so young. I know when the time is right.

[awest1217]

I forgot to put that after H had S this last time, S has not slept well. S has night terrors and even wakes up with tears flowing down his face. I don't know why or what is going on, but he is upset about something and just doesn't know how to say it. He is happy to leave with H and super happy to come home, but I don't know what is going on with him after and while there to make him so upset. Hopefully it will calm down soon.