GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

[sandi2]

Maybe you don't need to think so much about what she "might" become or do. You have enough of this day to take say grace over.

Like how some days she does things that may be a little mean and uncaring. Things that are out of character for her because of what she is going through. I let stuff like this slide. I know it isn't the real her. It is scary seeing this in someone who never had it before.
When she seems to be in these moods I try to just leave her alone, rather than say something.

And, that's the best thing to do. You realize this is not the "norm" for her and she's working stuff out. Even if you need to leave the house for a few hours, that's what you do. She will realize that when she acts like that that you don't want to be around her. She will start to get it together.

I read a book intitled, "Who's Pushing Your Buttons?" Very interesting. The button pusher has to learn that it doesn't work, and you have to learn not to react in the way the button-pusher expected.

[habitacker]

Thanks. I feel I have done a lot better on the day to day basis. I have settled down, and I am becoming more calm. Everyday life with us seems pretty good right now, so why push it into something else. I think I am finally excepting that this isn't going to be fixed for a long time.

Since my patience has grown for the present, maybe that is why my focus has turned toward the future, or what she is going to do. I guess I will work on that now. I was just trying to be prepared for whatever may come.

[habitacker]

I have always gone overboard when it comes to gift giving for my wife. I always get her some clothes and misc. stuff and usually an item of jewelry. I have done this again, but I feel nervous about it.

I know this might be persuing to her, but then again, this is really the person I am, and what I used to do when we were at our prime.

I remember years ago she had said that she was raised where birthdays and christmas you usually just got 1 thing. Gift giving wasn't a big thing. I always smothered her with gifts.

I do have to admit I have slacked off the last couple of years. Maybe I should hold something back, like the jewelry, and hope I can use it on valentine's day depending on how the sitch is going.

[sandi2]

In the past, how did she respond to so many gifts?

[habitacker]

I really don't know if I can answer that honestly. She has never showed much emotion. It is very hard to read her. You would think after 20 years I could tell.

This lack of showing emotion or feelings is something that I think has really hurt us. Definately one of the reasons I never saw our problems. I never noticed it as a problem until now.

Awhile back, I said I was scared she might not be able to come to me about R talk. This is the reason why. She just keeps everything to herself. It has hurt us, and it is the only thing I have, in my own mind, put at fault towards her in this sitch. She just let everything build up until we got to this point.

I do remember a couple times after I through some stupid anger fit and left the house, I would come back in an appologize, and she would say how it hurt her or something like that. I can only remember this maybe twice in a 12 year marriage. I think she only said something once I said something to her, like when I came back in to say sorry. I never saw anything as that big of deal, but according to everything I read, it takes a pretty big hit to get through to a man. Well, she has my attention now.

[mj144]

Man, our sitches are so similar it is scary. Can our wives be sisters separated at birth?

[habitacker]

Yea, its pretty scary. Isn't it amazing how humans are so similar yet, so different. That is why we have to be careful. I love the advice we get, but everyone sitch or spouse is different.
Such as, somewhere I read a post from Sandi2 about if her H would have shown interest in another woman, it would have made her curious about her H. But a post from someone else said that it would have pushed her away.

I love getting advice on here. I would not know where I would be now without it.

I see sometimes people get a little feisty with eachother and there advice on some threads. They need to remember that every sitch is different, and the veterans are just posting what they have experienced and are trying to help. Which I appreciate with all my heart. Hopefully someday, I can help someone.

Now the hard part. Deciding which advice best suits my sitch.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I see sometimes people get a little feisty with eachother and there advice on some threads. They need to remember that every sitch is different, and the veterans are just posting what they have experienced and are trying to help

I love the advice we get, but everyone sitch or spouse is different

.

Most people sitch's fit into a handful of catagories.

However each person's spouse is in there own way different. The LBS knows their S the best. That's why it's important to learn and know about the dynamics of healthy R. Take that knowledge and make it work for you're sitch.

Yes, you will read opposing viewpoints from posters. Especially by the ones who saved their M. They will promote what worked for them, and that's understandable. It's hard to argue with succuess.

There are however universal actions that need to be taken in every sitch. First and first most would be to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. We tend to lose our identity in Rs and become co-dependent.

Learn about attraction and start living that way.

Merry X-mas.

gr8

[habitacker]

This post is for sandi2. I am not sure where else to post it.

I have recently found your original thread. I have not read it all yet, but thank you so much for keeping that up.

I am at a loss of words. Just reading it has given me that feeling in my chest I can't even describe. Just being able to have some sort of idea what my wife is going through has to be of value.

I want to say so much more, but for some reason I can't. Reading what you wrote back then, feels like I am in the mind of my wife's. It scares the you know what out of me.

[habitacker]

Sandi, I would like to ask you a few questions about your sitch on your original post. I always thought a waw just walked away. They did not try to fix anything. Which is what my wife is doing.

On your post it looked like you made some progress in the first 7 to 12 days. You had made a decision to stick to your M and end the EA. You were trying to fix your M by just coming to this forum. How does this make you a waw, or was it before you found this place? I guess I am asking about what was going on before you started looking for help, and what made you start looking?

I really appreciate you having that post still up. I think it is going to help me with patience knowing what she is feeling. Just knowing how you viewed your H is an eye opener. I can just feel my wife doing the same. Especially when she is in a certain mood. I guess it is not a mood, it is like she has different personalities. One day she treats me like she can't stand to be around me. The next day like I am dumb, almost sarcastic, and the next like everything is fine, but it comes off fake.

There are so many things on your post I see in my wife. Actually reading your post about needing space really makes me understand it, because at that time when you wrote that, it was real. It was not just someone or a book telling me to give her space. You sounded trapped.

There was a post that said when you looked at your H you saw anger, but when H and daughter went for drives she saw a different side of H. When did this change for you and how? Also, when your view changed how did you react to it?



I do not know where I read it, but someone said that waw, or when you are in the fog is like a sickness. You know the right things to do, but you can't do it. This is really hard to understand for me. Knowing my wife like I do, I am sure she knows what is right, but something just won't let her take that route.

She had said something awhile back about just living life like the serenity prayer. The part about being able to change the things I can and courage to accept the things I can't, has gotten to me ever since she said this because I wish she could see the things she can change.

My wife has also never been with anyone besides me. The reason I bring this up is because I found it a little humorous that in your old posts you commented on being older, and talked about how getting married and things were different then. Like a different generation. I have always felt that my wife and I were more like you explained it, more like your generation. Her being a virgin, dating for almost a year before anything happened,dated for 8 years before we got married, her morals, things like this just seem different for the times we live in. I am not saying it is better, but it is something that makes me value this relationship so much. It would be next to impossible to find this again. I just can't see her throwing this away. I am so glad you and your H saved yours.

Thank you so much.

oh yeah, she is a sunday school teacher also.