Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[Sad_but_happy]

Any update on your sitch SIC? Sounds like you are doing great.

Has your W noticed your changes? Any response positive or negative in the past 3 days?

[ScaredinCanada]

Hey SbH,

At times I feel like things are going better and she's noticing and other times I feel like nothing has changed.

On the weekend my W got a cheque from the governemnt (they are returning some of "new tax" that they were charging everyone, based on your household income) and my W was all excited because it was extra money that she hadn't planned for.

So I just said I thought it would be a good idea if she put the money on the credit card or on the credit line. She didn't seem interested in that, which triggered a converstion about money.

I told her that I'd been thinking and was worried about the financial sitch should we end up seperating. I looked into child-support and alamoney payments and it basically would mean I'd be paying 65-70% of my take home income to my W each month. This hurt a lot. It would mean that I would not be able to afford my own place - I'd have to rent.

So my W (in such a business like manner - no emotion at all) says that she in't looking to hurt me, that this is something she has decided to do - so she isn't looking to take out on me. That she is a hard worker, and she can do it on her own. I kind of expected this response from her, but I was still worried regardless.

She said she'd simply want enough money to take care of the kids and wouldn't expect any sort of alamoney or any of my pension. I told her that really didn't want to talk about it, that I was ready to seriously discuss it.

She was getting ready for work and just told her, it seems like things will be so much more difficult - and said that she says I'm a good person, but she doesn't seem interested in trying to work it out. I told her it makes me feel worthless. There is just so much about the sitch that she doesn't appear to be thinking about. She was telling me stuff, like she wants me to be happy - to meet someone else and have a good life?!?!?

She still hasn't booked an IC even though I gave her the number probably 2 weeks ago. She keeps making excuses not to book, and now she said she wants to wait until after the holidays.

Christmas appears to be worked out. W is going to take the kids to chruch on Christmas eve (we don't goto church), and I am going to my brothers house. We are going to spend the day with W's family for dinner at our place on Christmas day. My W is working Boxing Day, so I'll be taking the kids to my parents house. I'm glad everything's planned out, but there are still a lot of things I'm not looking forward too.

I haven't talked to my parents in a few weeks now, so I am now nervous to talk to them again. My W keeps making mention that she has received an appology from my Mom, and she hasn't tried to do anything to make amends.

I finally got my copy of DR yesterday, which I am going to try and read on the nights my W is working.

It was my dog's birthday so I took him for a 2 hour walk in the snow - next to water, snow is his favorite thing!

I decided to just lurk a bit and read posts, I felt like I was posting too much. I was also somewhat embarrassed because I was being good, but always struggle on the weekends and usually make mistakes.

Anyways, thanks for asking.

[ScaredinCanada]

I'm feeling really sad, depressed, emotional, listless, worthless, hopeless...on top of it I've picked up a cold or the flu and have been physically feeling horrible today.

The thoughts of my children being raised by another man, us no longer going on family vacations, not living with my children and the fear that they will forget about me, or that they will grow up to resent me or be negatively effected if we seperate.

My youngest is only 2, and I know that myself I don't really have memories of my child-hood until I was about 5...

I miss my W, and I'm struggle so much to live with her as room-mates and not breakdown daily. Her stance has not changed in over a month - she doesn't love me. She is "planning" to live without me - without anyone she says.

I don't want to be another statistic - I want to be a full an complete family.

I have another counselling appointment on Tuesday, which I doubt I'll even tell my W. She likely won't even consider counselling for another month.

I'm slowly dieing inside, my heart breaks and the constant reminders or of our life together is so hard to avoid thinking about losing everything.

Like I said before, my W is a very stubborn person so I don't have a lot of confidence that she'll change her position regardless of anything that comes out of counselling - I think she's made up her mind and she sticking too it regardless.

I just cannot believe that this woman who I love with all my heart has broken it twice. I feel like I don't even know her anymore, the only way she communicates with me now is by rolling her eyes at me.

I really hope I can turn this around...

I'm starting to wonder if should suggest a trial seperation? Not that this will help me deal with my emotions or grief, but at least if I breakdown my W or kids won't be around to see it.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi SIC,
I am so sorry for how you feel right now. Know that it WILL pass. Life will go on and you will be happy again. Those are empty words to you right now but they are the truth!

I understand the mind of a WAS. I wanted to be one for so long. I was looking forward to the day when I would be free..

They feel that life will be great, that everyone can be friends, that the kids will adjust, and that the grass is so lush and green on the other side that they just can't wait to get there!

The sad part is that that lush green grass browns quickly when you realize what is at stake. In the book the W and I are reading, "Surrendering to Marriage", one on the references that hit home was this;

"I would not trade even one day without my child for the company of a new Man/woman let alone losing half of all days".

If the WAS really sat and though about what they were sacraficing many would rethink their position.

But they DON'T think... They react... They want to feel good in the moment. We live in a "me" society and not a "we" society.

But you can't change HER. You have an option every day!

Be happy or be miserable.

List reasons why you are happy:
Health
Children
Mom/dad
Siblings
Job
And the fact that you WILL love again

Hang in there SIC. The sun rises and sets every day... And you will too!

[sandi2]

This time of year can be bring out almost any emotion in us. I believe a lot of people feel depressed during Christmastime. When you see your family falling apart then it has to be awful.

I think it's important to surround yourself with people who love & appreciate you. Stay away from those who talk negative. Listen to peppy music(not any old country sad-love songs), read inspirational books (or whatever you can lose yourself), and watch comical movies (no serious family stories). This action is you protecting yourself. This has to be planned. You know what you will be facing, so get active and be prepared. Go places where people are happy! You may not feel like it, but you must try.

If you begin to feel too much dispair, let somebody know you need help right then.

[mj144]

SIC,
I am right there with you buddy. We are in so very similar sitches. Like you said before, it's like I am reading about my own life, less the OM. If I had more time, I'd post something similar myself. I just saw yours really quick before I run into a meeting.

Hang in there. We can try and talk each other up and get through this the best we can.

Fake it til you make it, pal!

[Truegritter]

At times I feel like things are going better and she's noticing and other times I feel like nothing has changed.

SIC you only have control over YOU.

Stop watching her watch you.

Just live my friend.

That is the only way through this. You'll get there.

Just live each day being the man you want to be.

If she sees that and wants it...

Then, well, that's great.

There is no other answer I'm afraid.

this is a long road. You've been through the hot burning fire part of it.

Step away from the flames.

You'll see things differently.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks for all the feedback and encourgement everyone! I've been going through a rough few days.

I went out for my best friends birthday on Friday night, and the W made sure to say "Just because we are having some issues, don't go and do anything stupid", I wasn't sure what she meant but I assumed she was alluding to me having an A. Regardless had a good time, but I drank too much and by the end of the night I was really depressed - all I could think of was my W and our life together.

I slept most of the day on Saturday as I was out late and still sick, was glad the W let me sleep. When I got up we went out as family and finished our shopping. No real R talk at all except the W was really curious to hear what all my good friends had to say about out sitch. She made sure to ask me if I met any "hot girls", to which I said we were simple "social" with everyone at the pub - that there was nothing else to it.

Sunday I decided to take my girls to the show to see the movie "Tangled" which they enjoyed - and I actually cried quite a bit during the movie, the story is sad (until the end of course) and again it made me think about my sitch. It was weird when we got back my W said, "so I guess this is how you want things to be, you take the kids out on your own all the time?" to which I told her of course not. I just want to be closer to my girls, and at the same time give you the space that I said I would give you.

W worked Sunday night, I put the kids to bed while registering a fever of 102F. I took some meds and got to bed, called in sick to work in the morning and stayed in bed until 3:00pm. Shortly after I got up my W said she had plans to go out with her cousin and her mother for dinner, but she asked if I was ok with it since I was sick - to which I said it was fine.

She said she'd be back to help get the kids to bed, but I didn't believe that would happen. I got the kids to bed, and had trouble getting to bed myself (probably because I'd slept most of the day). My W finally came home just after 11, at which point I just faked sleeping and eventually fell asleep without speaking too her.

In combination with my lifestyle changes, and healthy eating along with now being sick all weekend (barely ate for 2 days) I'm now down to a weight of 185lbs!! Lowest weight probably since I was in highschool!! I'm really in disbelief...would never have thought I'd get here. Now I know I can get down to an ideal weight of about 175. Merry Christmas to me!

I still haven't been able to lose the dream of having my W back. I really hope that we can get to counselling in the New Year and we are able to resolve our issues - as I just don't see how us seperating can be a positive in either of our lives.

I don't imagine I will be online much over the holidays, so for anyone reading this - I want to say thank you for all the support and advice as I couldn't have made it this far without you.

All the best to you and yours at Christmas and in the New Year!

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok just got off the phone with my W, she called to tell me that she's has to work tonight (which I already knew) and to tell me about her night last night.

She said that her cousin is in really rough shape, was crying and saying that her mother thinks she should be locked up in a mental hospital, etc. Crappy stuff, and I agree she's always seemed strange to me.

The thing is they went to restaurant where my W works, which is slightly confusing to me because normally when the kids want to go there she isn't interested ("I work there, I don't want to go there to eat!") and they were gone for almost 6 hours.

I don't want to jump to conclusions but like I said before I do worry about an EA. I'm wondering if I shouldn't corner her mother tonight and ask her if there was any "odd" behavior? Probably not the right thing to do, and it will only make me angry if there was...

Also, even thought I worry about a possible EA (who wouldn't in similar sitch) I still believe the true EA would be with her married friend that owns a farm that she dated for a very short period when she was very young (well before we dated). I think she looks at where he is and wonders if she would be in that spot if she'd somehow stayed with him. I remember some time ago (I'm actually not positive, but I'm fairly certain it was just before the B) she came home and told me that he was contemplating buying a golf course and he was wondering if she might be interested in running the restuarant and possibly being a partner.

The location was going to be about an hour drive from our house, and she'd be away with this guy all the time - to me it sounded like a silly idea and one that would just get us in trouble - and I'm starting to wonder if this triggered the B.

This would probably be an example of her "never getting to make her own decisions"...lol

Maybe I'm grasping at straws and maybe it pointless to try and explain why the W becomes WA?!?!

Also, like I said in an earlier post when I took the girls out to the show and she says "So is this the way it's going to be, you taking the girls out on your own and me taking them out on my own?" I WANT TO TELL HER TO F HERSELF. She wanted space - needed space - wants to be away from me. I'm not staying away from the kids, she's welcome to come out with us.

I wish we could just sit down peacefully and go through issues, and try and understand that we have a workable sitch. From my perspective of her, the only way to fix it is to start over - which I just can't fathom.

She still hangs on so bitterly to the issues with my Mom, even though I've started to deal with them, she's said if and when I see you Mom I will tell her, "I will only speak to you when it's absolutely necessary, and since it's never absolutely necessary I will never speak to you again."

To be honest I haven't spoken to my mother in a couple weeks, and I hope everythings ok. Both times I have called I spoke to my father. Anyways, the next 2 weeks maybe the most difficult of my entire life. Christmas and my brothers wedding...

[Denver_2010]

I know that the next 2 weeks, as well as the last 4, will and have been the most difficult in my life. Sorry that we're both here SIC. I am dealing with a similar sitch but with EA/OM and wife not in the home. We have very little contact right now. I simply cannot believe that I am not spending xmas with my wife and step son. So depressing.