John, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me.
I am sure you realize it but I want to say it. You got help for your problems and changed. However your W did not so there fore didnt learn a darn thing and repeated HER same mistakes. I think in our marriages the obvious victim is the non addict its so easy to hide our faults behind the outwardly abvious alcoholic and blame them for all problems. this is not the case at all. it takes two! It was very hard for me to recognize and understand my failings and contributions to the deterioration of this marriage, after all everything I did was becuase of his treatment of me right? well there were other choices to make and I chose "easier" ways, and escapes. I felt deadlocked and backed into a corner with what I could do because I believed his threats if I left him and I felt stuck and angry. I could have tried to go to a shelter but I thought thats crazy thats not for me, I grew up in a high society family I cant go to a shelter! however I was afraid to go to my parents becasue I thought what if my H loses it and hurts them trying to get me when they are protecting me I felt anyone I turned to would be put in danger. At the same time I wouldnt call the police on him he would lose his job. I trapped myself! he was sick and not thinking right, it was up to me the one that was not sick to take charge and do what was right, instead I did the classic codependent BS. I have to forgive myself and not dwell on the should haves because I didnt have the tools then, I didnt have the education but I should have sought it. When it was recomended to me to go to Al Anon and to go to AA to research and understand the disease I was angry and had the typical repsonse, I am not the one with the problem why should I go! well look at the way I was living thats why I should have went!!!
you as well didnt have tools during that time and you listend to the feed back you got from her. She is still "sick" because obviously she hasnt learned about her "codependent" behaviors that need to be changed, she is still too busy blaming you rather then looking at herself. Hey I know thats tough, and I know you know thats tough! But we dont have a choice if we want our lives to improve.
I dont have a lot of advice for you as to learning to live alone, I do know the loneliness, I grew up in it. Right now though you probably still need to do a lot of self reflection and personal inner growing. I am not saying you havent done that all ready I have watched what a battle you go through from watching my H. What I am saying now though is because of your pain and loneliness you really need to take this time to really get to know you and find your self worth and happiness inside you. then when you dont feel you "need" someone, a partner, then thats the time to find someone else to share your life with. this is my thoughts its not gospel.
you might find some comfort in my "words of wisdom from daily readers" thread.
I really like Melody Beatties books too, they were assigned to me by my personal counselor and my counselor at Betty Ford when I was there for family week. I have also found Micheles books wonderful. they are helpful even if you are not busting your divorce.
You could probably have some great insight for me as well in trying to work with my H. I have a thread in "Piecing our marriage back together" I would love to hear your thoughts when ever you have the time. there isnt many people here at the board that are familiar with addiction and understand the affects. Peter C. is aware his W is an alcoholic and he has an understanding of my side. the two of us on the oposite sides of this situation could probably gain some insights from each other that could be helpful.
It must be hard to hold things together right now for you. I know I have been working on my recovery and I am sure its not as dificult as the addicts recovery and I know chaos and hard times really make it so hard sometimes.
