How much longer in Separated?

[Drew]

Should be entertaining with you going to the funeral. Have you told her you plan to attend?

Maybe it's just me, but "entertaining" and "funeral" in the same sentence?

[MichelleLT]

Huh? Since when is suck a censored word?

As for the funeral...I'd be entertained by watching everyone's reactions to his arrival.

[jon2911]

I was wondering what naughty word you used Michelle. LOL!

Nice to see you Drew, it's been a while.

My boss let me off for the funeral, but said it was unpaid. Bereavement at the company doesn't cover grandparents-in-law. So that was a downer but I still thought it was important to go. This didn't all get approved until Wednesday night. I went home and went straight to bed. Thought about texting W but she would be at the viewing and busy all night.

The weather warmed up to the 70's here, which is crazy for December. I decided to make my longest ride yet on the Harley. Seemed symbolic in a way and made me feel like a badass. My manager said "10 hours? That's crazy. No one likes riding that much." Made me want to do it even more. As I left at 6:00 AM a front had moved through Dallas. I could feel the wall a couple hours into the ride and after that it was fine. I was worried about the return trip but it had warmed up by then and everything was fine.

I stopped in Hunstville, halfway there at 9:00 AM and texted W "I want you to know I'm coming today. I'll just sit by myself if that's better".

I checked the church address on my iPad and it had a new route bypassing Houston on smaller highways. I tried it and really enjoyed it. I love the pines around there, reminds me of a camp I worked during college summers. Around 1:00 I got into town, stopped at a little park by the river and with some trepidation checked my phone.

Three texts from W:

"Are you already on the road?"
"I'd rather you not come, I'm sorry."
"I won't be able to see you"

I was trying hard to not have expectations, but knew this was a chance for W to either keep her family in the dark like she has been, or admit what's been going on. From comments they've made lately they have a good idea anyway.

I really thought about turning back. Facing them is hard enough, but knowing she didn't want me there. This made me realize how intimidated I am by them. Whether it's the money, or the way W always chose their side over me, I felt like this was a stand I needed to take. I stopped at a fast food place, took off my leathers, made sure the suit looked OK, and texted W:

"On bike, just got messages. I know you won't have any time. No pressure at all."

The parking lot was packed and I just wanted to make it inside without a receiving line of some sort. Fortunately it was just the pallbearers in the lobby, only one of whom knows me. After taking my seat I noticed FIL and his new wife sitting on the aisle up front. Interesting seat choice, seeing as he was the only one less welcome there than me. I thought about sitting with them but didn't want to sit there. SMIL noticed me at one point and whispered something to him. Except for him and W I hadn't seen any of them in 3 years.

The family proceeded in and no one noticed me. The service was beautiful and I was glad I went. He really was a great man. It got me when the pastor described how he started out as a football coach after the war, and kept that coaching perspective the rest of his life. He wanted to "not just see people succeed, but be fulfilled." I think that's true. His perspective clashed with mine at times, like he had no concept of a church of 4,000 people or what a worship pastor does. Still I was able to listen to him a lot better than FIL. I'm sad that all this happened and I missed out on it these last 3 years, so the service was some closure on that.

I was struck by a couple things. One is how old they're getting. FIL barely made it down the aisle after his hip replacements. The other is how small W's family is, W's grandparents had 3 daughters, and her Aunt who never had kids is the only one left. So it's W, her sister, and her brother. That's it. I think that's what makes them so close-knit. It also helps a lot with the inheritance I guess, would be spread many more ways in most families. Now it's just half to Aunt, the other half between the three siblings. I don't need to be so intimidated by these people. Yes, they have more money than I've ever seen, but that doesn't solve everything, even if they think it does. I need to remember that.

As the family left SIL noticed me. I was hoping there wouldn't be a receiving line at the end either, and fortunately there wasn't. The crowd milled around outside with the family loaded in the limos to go to the graveside. I stood where I could stay incognito but could see W through the window. She looked up at me and started crying, with a strange look on her face then made a little wave. I didn't see her cry the whole service. I made a little kiss motion and then walked off into the crowd.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning who said he would mention it to her, that it hurt that she didn't want me there, and didn't acknowledge me either. He said that's so childish, and it is. But that one moment showed all I needed to see. We talk a lot in recovery about keeping "the mask" on. I wondered if W would care more about keeping up false appearances than coming to me for comfort. It reminded me of several sections of the Horse Whisperer. I could see the battle going on inside her.

I would have talked to FIL but he was already in his car in line. I didn't go to the graveside. Texted W "that was beautiful. I'm heading out but I'll check my phone in case you need anything."

She responded later "I'm glad you were able to make it. Please be careful & let me know when you make it home". I texted "made it home, night night". Her response "Glad to hear it. Goodnight".

So formal. I hate it when she starts BSing again like this. Maybe it's not so bad, don't want to read too much into it.

W has made herself busy with all the prep and taking care of everyone, but sometime today or tomorrow SIL will fly back to New York, BIL and Aunt will go home, and she'll be alone. That must be terrifying.

The last funeral I went to there was MIL five years ago, almost to the day. We were newly married, and I didn't know how to comfort W. She didn't want to be. Everything was fine, she told me. She wants so badly to be OK on her own.

Now I know better. Both trips this week were somewhat against W's wishes, but I think they turned out well. Now time to give her some space and see what happens. There's still a set of daisies in her house I bought her last week. She says it's an actual plant that will keep growing. Good timing I think.

[jon2911]

Catching up on some threads around here today, good to read this stuff. We're all better at the end of this, no matter the outcome. I definitely feel stronger now than ever before.

[jon2911]

My thoughts today can be summed up this way:

1. I'm not sure how much longer I can take being W's secret boyfriend, and nothing more.
2. I'm angry about the texts and being treated this way.

However, I have a work Christmas party and a church worship team one too this weekend. Hopefully alcohol at both lol. Time to rest up tonight and party hard.

[jon2911]

OK, calmed down a bit today. Hit the gym for several hours last night after work. I went between the pool, the steam room and the hot tub thinking and praying.

It struck me that the hardest thing about the funeral was seeing W hurting and not being able to help her. I also felt that God showed me her perspective, and how scared she must be right now.

Reading some threads yesterday I came across this MWD quote:

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

So true. Early in the sitch I found some e-mails by snooping on W that showed an EA at least. I forwarded them to myself and kept them. Then just before she moved back to Houston I sent an angry e-mail to FIL, saying things like "what are you going to do, hold her every night she has a headache like I did?" I also mentioned there were a lot of things he didn't know, like multiple affairs. Worst of all, I left my account open on her computer and she found all the stored e-mails and the one to FIL. She could tell I was storing up evidence if I needed to use it. Funny thing is FIL did the exact same thing during his divorce, he presented all the affair evidence to GFIL, and guess what? It didn't help. MWD is completely right on that.

I cared more about myself and being right than restoring our R. I've made that mistake many times.

Just a lot of emotions to process through, but I'm having a good day today. W called a couple hours ago while I was taking a nap. That's encouraging.

I have no idea when they're reading the will or deciding all the business stuff, but knowing that family it will be very quick and businesslike. Which is good. I'm looking forward to the Christmas parties, and can see the bigger picture better today.

What a week.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

You did the right thing by going. My H's grandfather passed away last year and me and the kids loved him so much but when I asked H if we could attend he said he didn't think it would we a good idea.

I was so hurt. I don't know how they do it.....our spouses. So instead I sent something to his father and step-mother's house from me and the kids and she sent back a nice thank you note.

Which probably killed her since H made me out to be the bad guy from the beginning I guess so none of his family would turn on him and he doesn't like to be alone.

H even said it on Wed. after our hearing for support. He said he is a family man and I know that and I in return said yes, but your own family you made should come before anyone else.

Anyway, if you get a chance can you hop over to my thread? I started a new topic. I need some advice. It is getting closer to D day thanks to H's lawyer.

[jon2911]

GF,
I will hop on over.

Talked to W for a good while last night, finally. We chit-chatted about some things, and she mentioned making some decisions about phone service at the house. Sounds like she'll be there for a little while. I didn't pry for details.

She said SIL flew out early Saturday morning. She also paused for a second, then said "it was kind of you to come to the funeral". We talked about it for a while and how nice it was. She asked where I sat and if I talked to anyone. Later I'll ask her why she didn't want me to come. It was a good talk.

I called her over her lunch and she sounded surprised and then said "I'm busy". Just from her tone of voice I could tell Aunt was over.

She texted me later "I'm sorry, I probably came across as really rude on the phone"
Me: That's ok. Busy day today?
Her: Aunt was over

She also told me last night that SIL isn't flying back in until the day after Christmas. I'm hoping to get down there New Year's, but may go for Christmas if it works out.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

Hope it works out for Christmas for you. My H said to me last week that he was alone for the last 2 years on Christmas and I thought to myself, wait he had his 2 boys and our daughter. But I guess he meant without me or a partner.

I was the one that was alone. No kids or anything. I would love to spend some time with him on Christmas but I don't know how to approach it. If I ask and I'm rejected I know how upset I will be, just wish he would ask. Still no word from him since Sat. night.

Thanks in advance for hopping over to my thread.

[MichelleLT]

Jon,

Sorry I haven't been on the boards much. Just catching up.

Glad you went to the funeral. It's important to do the right thing, for yourself.

She might be pulling back. More people probably noticed you than you realized (or the gossip has now flown around the family lol) so maybe she's getting some questions she's not comfortable with. Ah well, her problem. You just wanted to pay your respects is all.