Positively moving forward

[awest1217]

The Christmas Program went really well. Saturday practice S wouldn't do anything and I was worried he wouldn't on Sunday either, but he did, and so did the other kids. It all went really well, and I have slept well ever since. I must have been nervous.

H came to just the program and left right after (it was part of our service) because he "had a migraine", when just the day before he says how he wants to have S overnight. Yeah, I am going to let you have S overnight when everytime I ask you to do anything extra you say "I have a migraine", or "I didn't have my phone", etc. H is going to have S overnight the 23rd into the 24th. I am not really liking it too much because H is still "living" at his parents. S doesn't have his own space there, and it isn't real. H has his parents to take care of S. Also his parents and he are very manipulative and I don't want S to get caught up in all of that. There is also some other stuff based on things that H has done in the past and I am sure he is still doing that I don't want S to be a part of. Now I am going to let S go. I am actually looking forward to having a night to myself, but I still don't want S spending the night every other weekend until H has his own place. Does this sound mean?

Part of it on the day H asked (on our anniversary weekend), I cried because I don't want H to take S from me. I have been S's sole caretaker for almost 2 years and it is hard to let go. I don't trust H with S. Because of Thanksgiving and other times, H isn't always there. What if OW calls H when S is spending the night (she is used to H only having S until 7) and she "needs" H? So far with the track record, H will choose OW. I don't want that for S. Also I don't want H to continue to lie to S. H spent our entire relationship lying to me, or so he thought, I actually knew about everything and tried to tell him I did, but he wouldn't ever admit so to him I didn't know. I know H is not living at his parents. Having S spend the night there and H saying that is where he lives is building their relationship on a lie as well. I know it is H's decision, but I don't want S to get hurt again. I also want S to have his own space. I understand that S is going to sleep with H even if he does have his own room, but at least S has that option. I don't want it to be that he automatically sleeps with H because as I continue to try to break him of sleeping with me, it will be hard to break if he is sleeping with H. Right now I am ok with it and I know that would happen, but thinking long term, I don't want this to become a habit until S understands that he does have his own space too, otherwise if H ever does say he has moved, S will have a double whammy; learning a new place without his grandparents and uncles, plus not sleeping with his dad because his dad will be with OW. I just don't like all that change. S is just now really getting used to everything and even starting to talk about stuff with me. He enjoys going to H's. I don't want to jeopardize everything. Maybe we can compromise after the D is final. If H is still living at his parents (H keeps saying he can't move because he doesn't have enough money...not my problem since he wasted about $12,400 over the past two years that he could have saved to put down on something or even had in savings to help pay for an apartment), maybe we could do spend the night once a month. I would like having the time, and S wouldn't get so shocked. I don't know. I am getting better about S spending the night, I just don't like all the lies and how H is only a dad when it suits him, like now that the D papers need to be signed, or now that he wants overnights, not a year ago when I wanted them to start or two years ago when I tried.

I am still really doing well. Christmas eve will be hard, but I have a ton of work to keep me busy that day. My SIL's family invited me to their house, but I don't know. I hate feeling like a third wheel so I am not sure.

S has been very funny. We have two new babies at church and he is at the stage where he wants a baby brother/sister. He loves on those babies all the time. Yesterday we went to the mall and I got my youngest nephew a mickey mouse and I told S he could get something. He got an alien from Toy Story. Since last night, he treats it like his baby. He calls it baby alien, wraps it up in his blanket, feeds him, etc. It is so cute! I tell him he is a good dad and he says no so I say he is a good big brother and he is happy. He gives me the alien and says he wants his mommy. It is too cute!